When life gets in the way!

Having just come across this from last year, I felt that it was worth reposting. It has helped me to reread it. The decluttering is still ongoing………..

Recently I have been getting more & more bogged down with the practicalities of life. I’ve never been an organised person ( main reason for not blogging regularly.)I promise myself that I will become much more organised, spend hours sorting paperwork into files, boxes & drawers, then realise that I have no idea where everything is so neatly tidied away, causing a mad panic when I need to find something!

This has set me thinking about why I find it so difficult. The main reason is blatantly obvious – I’ve spent my life surrounded by clutter! My Mother loved clutter, 5 children attracted it like a magnet, poverty caused me to save everything & has been a difficult habit to break! The bizarre thing is that I hate living in such chaos! So why do I still do it?

I realised quite a while ago, that I found clutter comforting, because what I had on show was mine & it was a form of security. *(see one of my first blogs, where I talked about needing everything on show.) Once I felt more secure, I was able to begin the very long task of decluttering & letting things go. As regular subscribers will know, this has been an extremely long process & one that I mention regularly. I suppose it shows a) the amount of clutter I’d accumulated & b) the thorough job that I’m doing. I’m extremely delighted with my progress, my home feels far lighter & less oppressive, which in turn has made space to attract new positive energies, all in all, a win-win situation. However I think that there is more to my chaotic lifestyle, than simply clutter, but what?

Having an over active mind doesn’t help, because I find doing one thing at a time virtually impossible. I can be happily cleaning the kitchen, take something into the bedroom, forget the kitchen & begin sorting clothes, take washing into the bathroom & start cleaning the bath! (All the while, storylines, plots & characters are running around in my head, vying for attention!) If I’m not very strict with myself, I’ll just end up writing!
My bathroom needed clearing,being the place of cleansing my body, it made sense for it to be tidier to enable me to cleanse my mind more easily too. I looked around & realised the enormity of my bottles & jars collection. I am aware that many women have huge selections of potions & lotions, however I don’t use most of mine, they just sit there, gathering dust, filling every shelf. My mind immediately slipped back to my childhood, where I remember my parents arguing over my Mothers similar collection. Dad insisted that She get rid of them, which she obediently did. She was upset about it, but never filled the bathroom with anymore. I wonder if deep down, I’ve been following in her footsteps, keeping them to prove that I can!

I think that a psychologist would probably have a field day, untangling why I do what I do! However,the time has come for action, so I have now got rid of many of the unneeded bottles & have donated several beautiful perfume bottles to charity, which have raised quite a few pounds.

I think that this has been an important breakthrough for me. I’m not being forced to get rid of anything, I’m doing it out of choice, my choice -I am no longer allowing myself to be dictated to, or controlled by anyone else. When I give things to charity & they get a good price, I’m delighted. There’s no feeling of upset – it’s really freeing.
Occasionally I slip backwards, dwell in the past & relive the hurt.Thankfully I’m now strong enough to recognise it & pull myself back into the present. I’ve signed up for an online mindfulness course, which is due to begin shortly ( see Future Learn, for free courses) I’ve done a bit of mindfulness previously but have decided that a deeper understanding of these techniques will help me. I hope that they will enable me to focus more on the job in hand, not get so easily distracted & maybe manage my time more effectively. I’ve yet to understand why I’m not able to do so much more,since there are 24 hours in every day!

I am absolutely determined to become more organised, maybe even more tidy, (although I think that may be wishful thinking!) But I have a reason to overcome this chaos,partly because I want to be able to dedicate more time to my writing & it’s difficult to feel creative if I’m worrying about where I put something !!! But more importantly, because I actually want to!

A friend recently commented how nice my home is looking & feeling( she was diplomatic about the untidiness) this has spurred me on. Tommorow I am reluctantly rehoming my tropical fish & their large aquarium. I’ll be sad to see them go, but they are a lot of work to keep clean & it’s difficult for me to manage and realistically the tank is far too large for my room. It’s just another step along this enlightening journey.

For any of us to change, we need to make changes. It can’t happen by itself. We need to be willing participants. Saying goodbye needn’t always be difficult. Rather than losing something, or someone, you are simply freeing yourself to move on to the next chapter. Everything is transient, nothing stays the same forever. I refuse to be stuck in any form of rut anymore. I wasn’t ready before, now I am! I’m saying goodbye to this chaos!

I wish you all love & contentment.

Rosie x

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Trust needs to be total.

 

Since I last wrote here, my life has changed considerably. My health continues to improve – not the pain, that is persistent, but a few months ago I took a really major decision – I needed to put my total faith in the Universe. What would be the point of fighting against the inevitable? Over & over I have been ‘told’ in my heart that I need to simplify my life, yet I am also being guided to take on loads more responsibility.

These guided paths have not been at all what I was expecting, or intending to do, but it has been like an avalanche, gathering more & more in it’s inevitable journey towards it’s goal!

As those who have been following me will know, I have been de cluttering for many, many months now. On the surface it would seem like the worst is over but actually it is getting tougher, but more satisfying. This may sound like a total contradiction, but it isn’t really.  When I began to ‘let go’ it was fairly straightforward, anything that had bad or difficult memories was sold or given away & I felt a lot lighter & quite pleased with myself ( in hindsight, being self satisfied was a sign that I had a very long way to go!)    The next step was to part with things that I liked, but didn’t need, most of these were given away as it felt wrong to gain financially over them. At this point I was also working on letting go of any emotional baggage or ties. I spent a lot of time looking inwardly, then trying to follow what I felt I was being told.   

One word kept being repeated – SIMPLIFY!

I tried to analize where would be the best place to start, I was already de cluttering & trying to spend less, but still that word kept coming!

One night, out of the blue I knew that I needed to simplify everything, literally everything in my life! I wondered how I was going to do this, when I knew.

I had to let go of my illness, my past ambitions, my constant planning improvements, even my dreams & hopes.   I had to let go of trying to control my destiny!     Boy that took faith!

(*I’m unsure what has happened, but two posts seem to have amalgamated, which has made it rather confusing! I will correct it when I am able to unravel the mystery, but until then, please accept my apologies)

To begin I had to distance myself from my own pain & suffering, after all, compared to the life that so many people lead, I have nothing to moan about, yet I still hear myself bemoaning how unwell I feel at times.  I began using Self Reiki rather than relying on anything chemical. To that I added the affirmation ‘I feel great’, but I had to really work on believing it sometimes.  This is something I recommend everybody tries. It is incredibly fulfilling answering a polite question about how I was feeling with a heartfelt smiling ‘brilliant thankyou’, the reactions have been almost totally positive.    However it was difficult to maintain this belief, while still having a carer, so with a heavy heart, I let her go.   I now take total responsibility for my own life.

During this time a neighbour was very unwell so I began helping her, visiting, phoning, shopping, cooking & probably more importantly, listening.   Sadly she recently died, but despite causing myself pain, exhaustion & inconvenience I had really enjoyed it.  I believe I had made her last weeks easier, but she repaid me in ways that no one could have guessed, she gave me a sense of purpose.  I had always found  being emotional quite difficult, I couldn’t show sentimentality, I always felt too open, it was too risky!  But in helping her, it all felt natural. That was a real lesson in humility, one I hope I will never forget!I no longer feel that I need to dress up at all, or try to impress anyone, I try to be as natural as I can. By letting go of the public face, the genuine me is free to live life to the full. I began doing voluntary work, which I love. I especially love being a helper at a memory clinic. Their   Dementia makes me full incredibly humble. They are watched, escorted, their liberties & identities taken away, but still they smile, laugh, take pleasure in whatever attention they are given, they touch, cuddle, hug & talk as if you have given them everything . Yet what sacrifices have I made? Given up some of my time, yet gained so much reward.

With the realisation that helping others was my biggest satisfaction, I chose to risk absolutely everything & have set up a business as a motivational coach. I am learning to be a life coach, but in the interim I am satisfied with being able to motivate & hopefully inspire people to live their lives to their full potential. I have sunk every last penny into this venture, the pain & exhaustion are beyond words, yet I am honoured to be able to volunteer with my dementia friends as well as putting my total faith into my newfound career.    Of course it is possible that this is just another lesson that I  need to learn, however that is a risk worth taking.

I believe that I am destined to walk a path of humility & service to the world. This business is a step on that path, one in which I can become fulfilled, help others & take responsibility for my life. Any money that I earn, outside what I genuinely need can be used for positive assistance to those in need.
Rosie x

Getting my priorities straight!

It occurred to me recently, that not only do I need to declutter, I also need to simplify my life.  To clarify, I don’t mean that my life is particularly complicated – it’s not, but I do have an awful lot of things going on !

Being a lone pensioner, my time is very much my own, but through choice I have filled my life with groups, clubs, friends & a voluntary job, on top of which I need to make time for my writing & a couple of online courses. My health, not being good, means that I get incredibly exhausted very easily. I try to fight this, although I know that it’s futile – when my body decides sleep is called for, I have no say in the matter. To make life easier, I could cut back on my commitments, but don’t really want to.  This only leaves one other course of action, to simplify my home life.

I love my little flat, but little is the word! There is very little storage space, which for someone who has a myriad of projects on the go, it is certainly a challenge!  I have been letting go of  many of my hobbies, yet don’t really seem to be making a dent in my handicraft clutter!

I have taken a major step and decided to let go of a large percentage of my book collection, which, in fairness has grown to epic proportions. With every trip to the Oxfam book shop, I have to remind myself that I’m helping myself as well as the charity. I now have gaps on my book shelves, but am finding it hard to let go of many more. I will, but I want to let them go for the right reason, not in some desperate act of clearance.

Having got to a sticking point, I asked for divine guidance & got it in a way that I hadn’t anticipated………..

I was ‘told’ that my very large fish tank needs rehoming.  I love my aquarium, but it is hard work to keep it maintained. Things have been made more complicated by the fact  that the fish keep breeding!  I love seeing the minute little  fry manoeuvring between the plants, yet know that they are incredibly hard work, as it’s very difficult to clean the tank without accidentally catching dozens of tiny fish too!

This morning I walked up to town & put a notice in the pet shop window. I have only asked for a token amount of payment, which means that I will be very out of pocket!   The decision took me by surprise, but it’s one that I needed to take. It will free up a lot of space, both in my home & in my head. It is the right thing for me to do!

Writing that advert, letting go of much loved things is a test of my faith. I totally believe that I am being guided. I trust in the Universal powers, that they know & want what’s right for me.  I asked for guidance, I got it, now I must abide by decision.

How many people pray for something, yet when set some challenge, they refuse to do it. I have tried to follow my intuition ( Universal guidance) for most of my life, yet now realise that I can’t pick & choose what I’m being shown to do.

I’m not weak willed, or easily swayed, I follow in faith because I know it’s right! It would be much easier to be selfish, but that would defeat the object! This is about simplifying & learning to let go.  I’m getting there!

A successful life calls for getting priorities straight. It isn’t about taking the easy option, it’s about showing that I am willing to make sacrifices, in order to receive & be worthy of the abundance that is regularly given to me. I don’t have much money ( very little actually) but I have more friendships, serenity, joyousness & opportunities than I ever believed possible. That’s got to be worth giving up a few loved things for, after all, none of it is really ours. The only certainty is that the only guaranteed thing is that we have is the life given to us by Whichever power you believe in.

Love & blessings to you all.

Be happy,

Rosie x

 

 

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Too much rushing, not enough doing!

I haven’t written a blog for a while now. Almost everyday I think of things that I’d like to write about, often I even jot down ideas or use my voice recorder ( sometimes reeling off an entire blog ) yet for some reason, I just haven’t had time to actually sit down & write!   Of course when I say that I haven’t had the time, what I really mean is that I haven’t FOUND the time!  Although not really a procrastinator, I do have an amazing knack of losing time. I could blame one of my conditions, fibromyalgia for it, but although that does play it’s part, it’s not the full story.

So what is the full story?

I could write a comprehensive list with many valid excuses for why I don’t get things done, but that would be avoiding facing the facts.  Isn’t that what too many people do when they don’t want to admit simply being disorganised?

I COULD BE IN THE RUNNING FOR THE CROWN AS Ms DISORGANISED 2016.               I am very good at planning.  I excel when it comes to writing lists.  I have a very sharp memory when it comes to the little details, the things that many people overlook, BUT…………………  When it comes down to getting things done for myself, I’m dreadful!    Things used to be very different, I could multi- task with the best of them.  I seemed to find hidden hours, where I was able to fit in a near unbelievable amount of tasks, yet still be standing at the end of the day.  I suppose that being retired has a lot to answer for!  When I had children at home, I had to keep to a schedule, I had to provide meals, do the laundry, feed the multitude of pets, as well as the human variety. Housework would be fitted in & around other things but always got done, bills would be dealt with at the appropriate time.  In  other words, I managed.  I agree that it was always a case of organised chaos, but things did get done.

Now?  I have all day to spend as I wish – & that’s the problem!  I rarely set an alarm, I wake, then get up when I want to.  I amble around my flat in my dressing gown while I follow the necessary routine of feeding my cat, cleaning his litter tray, making my breakfast & so on.  Unless I have an appointment, I shower & dress when I feel like it. There is no pressure. There is very little stress.  I don’t have to answer to anyone.  Meals are made & eaten at random times.  As for housework, the less said the better!      It’s not that I am lazy, far from it.  I keep myself extremely busy, although I do often question what it is exactly that I do all day.  I don’t watch daytime tv. I don’t languish in bed with a cuppa, or spend hours soaking in the bath.   I don’t spend hours chatting on the phone or even waste my days on social media ( although that has been known to happen)   Basically I potter!  I do a little bit here, a little bit there, always intending to get the essentials out of the way so that I can do what is important to me.   Unfortunately I potter about so much, keeping myself occupied, that by the time I decide to settle down to write or read or paint, I have used up all of my energy!

I know about the importance of keeping to a schedule but it is so difficult to maintain when the only one cracking the whip is yourself!  My doctors are forever telling me about taking care of my health, how important it is for me to pace myself. They don’t seem to grasp the fact that to be able to pace yourself, you first of all need to start!   Occasionally I wake early, get out of bed immediately, have myself & cat up & organised by 7am.  I love those days!   I have always been a morning  person, preferring to be up with the dawn chorus, it’s such a wonderful, fresh time of the day but over the past year or so, I find myself still up & fully awake at 3 or 4am. I frequently can be found cleaning the kitchen or defrosting the freezer at midnight.  Unfortunately the early hours of the morning are my creative times, in the stillness of the night is when I am filled with inspiration, when I want to write.  I have tried setting myself a writing schedule, it all looks great on paper, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me.  I know that I could become more disciplined,  but I have had a lifetime of that, now is my ‘me’ time.  However there is so much that I want to do, that I end up doing none of them.

On my fridge I have a slogan that reads ” Always be calmly active & actively calm” I agree wholeheartedly, yet I seem to rush around like a headless chicken ( bad expression for a vegan to use!)  I have been actively decluttering for well over a year now, yet I am getting more & more obsessed by it.  I turn out drawers to clear out the unwanted things that  were kept ‘in case they might come in handy one day’. I now have several empty drawers, yet piles of larger item still scattered around my home, just waiting to go to the charity shop & even more small items waiting to leap into the empty drawers.

Maybe I should give up, shove everything out of sight & blame my illnesses?

Or of course there is a really radical solution.  I could stop worrying about why I don’t find enough to spare time and just actually CHANGE MY MINDSET.                        Time spent worrying, is always time wasted.  Instead of saying that I am disorganised, I could become organised. It is time for me to take personal responsibility for my chaos.   I would tell friends to use positive affirmations, I know how well they can work.

So I will start here & now.

” I have no need to rush, I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely.”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

Now I shall go into the kitchen, make a chamomile tea & get an early night. I have a whole new regime to get up early for!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thankyou for persevering to the end of my waffle.  Maybe one or two of you might find following a similar train of thought useful.  Apparently it would seem that you don’t need to be a procrastinator to procrastinate!

love & light to one & all,

Rosie x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

at planning

No questions without answers.

Today I have felt dreadful.  There’s no point in me dressing it up – I have felt absolutely awful!

I had made plans for today.   Depending on how well I felt, I intended going out for a wander around my hometown or if I wasn’t strong enough, I’d stay at home & continue with my decluttering.   What I hadn’t reckoned on was to wake up with a banging headache.  Unusually for me, I had a very disturbing dream,  one of those that you can’t shake off!  Although not a nightmare it was quite unnerving.  I tried to return to sleep but my mind wasn’t going to play ball, it was insistent that I carry the images from the dream around with me all day. Try as I might, it wasn’t to be ignored!

After forcing myself to get up, feed the cat & follow the initial morning routine, I realised that today would be a wipe out unless I got some quality sleep.  Much to my cats’ disgust, I returned back to bed and slept and slept and slept.   I finally opened my eyes well after midday. It took just a matter of a few seconds to know that I actually felt worse, not better!  I am telling you this, simply to set the scene for my pondering.

As some of you will know, I’ve been unwell for quite a while now, which has hit me very hard, especially since I have been flying high for several months prior to this.  During that ‘well’ time,  although still in tremendous pain, I managed to have a very full & enjoyable life.  I knew that I had been pushing myself too hard ( fibromyalgia hates being pushed) so wasn’t at all surprised to have a relapse, but the severity has taken me by surprise.    Enough whinging!    Suffice it to say that a ‘well period’ feels very much overdue!

Thankfully throughout this difficult period, I have remained          ( on the whole) cheerful & have managed to keep depression at bay.   However recently I have been writing a lot,   including a book about a difficult period in my life. As you may understand, this has brought up a lot of previously buried emotions.   Add  to this my support for the ‘Time to Change ‘ campaign, which is trying to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health difficulties (please see my recent blog). and it’s not hard to see that I have had to fight the black dog ( depression) which has been snapping at my heels.  Yesterday was a particularly melancholy day,  not helped by it being the anniversary of my Mothers’ passing, a couple of years ago. All in all it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster!

Needless to say, I felt unable to go out today & as soon as I began to do any form of activity,  it soon became apparent that that was to be a no no also! The most physical thing that I have achieved was washing a few dishes & boiling some potatoes for my meal.

As someone who has had previous long term agoraphobia, I am very mindful about not allowing myself to go down that road again. Now, especially since I have felt so exhausted, I have been staying at home most days & have been concentrating on my writing.  If I’m honest, I’ve quite enjoyed being a hermit, but in my circumstances it is a risky strategy!    Since not being able to do much else today, I decided to sit & write, except that falling asleep again was all I managed.  After my 3rd or was it 4th nap?  I gave up the idea.     As many people know, when you create a void, something needs to fill its’ space, in my case it was a churning brain, firing questions at me.  I began to worry if I was getting mentally unstable again, but quickly dismissed that idea. But then I reasoned if it wasn’t that, was I being punished for something?  By now getting into dangerous territory, I gave myself a bit of a shake & looked  at what has actually happened.

Yes, I’ve been unable to go out much,  which has had a knock on effect of my spending being reduced. Positive outcome!

Yes, I’ve been forced to take a lengthy absence from my voluntary job.  I found this devastating, but it has helped me to see that when I return , not only will I be more physically able to work,  I will be able to re-evaluate  quite what tasks I should & shouldn’t take on. Resulting in a decision to make a slightly different work schedule. Positive outcome!

Yes, I have missed many groups & clubs.  Result being that I had realised how much I had been burning the candle at both ends.  I needed a rest.  I knew it.  I ignored it.  Now I can see that as a pensioner, with a variety of medical problems, I should prioritise & concentrate on what I need to do, rather than what I want to do!  Life won’t grind to a halt if I withdraw from one or two activities. Life will go on, as will the clubs without me.  Positive outcome!

Yes, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands.  Result being that I have used that time decluttering  my home, making it a much nicer, airier space.  Definite winner all round there!

Yes, I’ve had to let a lot of people down, something that I hate doing.   Resulting in being able to catch up with overdue paperwork & also old friendships via social media.  Positive outcome!

Yes, I have been unable to buy fresh food. ( someone does get me essentials).   Result being that I have been forced to use up food from my freezer & store cupboard ( or black hole, as it often seems!)  I have also invented many simple, tasty & nutritional vegan meals & snacks for myself. Some of which I will at some point share on my sister page http:// Rosieways,  howdidisite.com . My kitchen cupboard agrees it ‘s definitely been a positive outcome!

Being unable to do everything for myself , I’ve had to swallow my pride & ask for help.  Result being a lesson in humility that I badly needed.  Positive outcome!

Finally for now, Yes, I have been unable to keep up with housework, laundry etc.  Result, first of all – does it really matter?  Mainly though, enforced resting has given me plenty of time to write, write, write & write some more.  I have wanted to dedicate more time to creative writing, but never found much spare time. In the past few weeks I have actively written more than I would have thought possible. I have created a writing routine. I have sorted out my writing books into one place, easy to find & use.  Have found many interesting websites to aid my muse & have entered a couple of competitions.  Positive outcome!

Although I already knew about not being given questions ( & hardships / challenges ) without being given the answers  (or solutions)It took an enforced rest to help me actually take notice!

The end result to all of this episode will hopefully be a much more relaxed schedule with more ‘me’ time, more space for creativity & maybe even a healthier bank balance.

I certainly have a lot to be grateful for.     Namaste X

Love & Blessings to you all.

Rosie X

 

New Challenges

Once again I’ve had to accept lessons from the Universe.

Today I began to clear out my office.

What had begun as an exciting challenge soon began to tell on my health. I always knew that it was going to be a risk, but one that I felt compelled to try.   Although I am disappointed that I haven’t been physically strong enough to make a go of my new venture, it hasn’t been a wasted experience. Through it I have come to realise that there are many, many things more important than money or status.

I have realised that I get far more pleasure from helping in a charitable format.  The pressures involved in needing to cover my rent & other expenses had begun to play on my mind.  I had begun to doubt myself.

I have worked long & hard to build up the self esteem needed to happily survive as a lone pensioner. I was being unrealistic to think that I could just shrug these pressures off.  Lessons in the form of a several week downturn in my health hit me square in the face!  I was made to understand, in no uncertain terms that although my mind may be strong, my body is not!

Once again I accept the need for the lesson in humility!

I am exceptionally fortunate that being a pensioner, I do not have to work to survive. There is a tremendous freedom about not needing a lot .  I still buy far more than I should, have a close to zero bank balance, but so what?  When push comes to shove, what do I get most satisfaction from?  I don’t smoke, gamble or drink from personal choice. I don’t buy expensive perfumes or fancy clothes, not because I’m deprived of choice – the exact opposite!  I could spend my income on these ‘luxuries’ but why on earth would I want to?

I love the simplicity of my life these days.  I have a busy social life ( too busy!) lots of friends, a lovely home, beautiful companion in my cat Chi.  Vegan lifestyle.  No car.  Few holidays, haven’t been abroad for many years!  But I have a lifestyle that I wouldn’t swap with anyone, or for anything!

I don’t intend to sound smug.  I am aware that many people can’t understand how I can be so happy, at times I find it hard to understand myself!    But then something will happen to put things in perspective again.

Tonight has been such a revelation.

Since deciding, albeit reluctantly to abandon the pressure to make a better income for myself, I have dedicated my time to a charity that is close to my heart.  It is a small mental health charity in Wells , called Heads Up.  There I found the strength & support that I needed to firmly establish myself as part of the human race after years of mental health problems.  I now volunteer there when I am able.   I have also decided to write to help others who find themselves alone, as I was, to overcome whatever may be holding them back from living a fulfilling life.  I can only do this from personal experience, so am now grateful for the hell that I’ve been through. I have also realised that I have a lot of simple skills that I can share.  I don’t need an office or headed notepaper.   All I need is trust in myself & the path that I am being led along.  I have that in abundance!

Strange skills are making themselves visible to me, choices that I never would have considered.  I am writing blogs,  poetry,  I am offering help in many different ways.  In each new challenge I find payment in kind.

Tomorrow, or rather later on today I am holding a free relaxation group for clients, carers & staff at Heads Up.  Two things spring to mind here – firstly,  me leading the session?  Voluntarily?  Me who not too many years ago couldn’t even speak to a stranger. Me who was agoraphobic for nearly 17 years.  Me who was such a wreck that I couldn’t cope with life!     Secondly I am in the laughable situation that I am always chattering, laughing, active, always talking too much, yet I find that I can lead a group of people, with a quiet sense of serenity that I never would have thought possible.  I wrote the session myself, have written a guided relaxation exercise without really even trying & have many more waiting to be penned.   I have found something in me that I didn’t know, a strength through gentleness, a voice through quietness, a new direction that I hadn’t ever imagined.

Another aspect to this class is – what if no one turns up?  The absolute truth is that it doesn’t matter.  I don’t feel like I need to prove anything anymore.   I am giving the session,  I have the room booked, I have the music, the oils, the mats & the words ready.  If I am the only person in that session, it will be because that is what I need.  I will run the session even if it is just for myself.  I will gain a lot from it, whether I have a room full of people, or just me.  I will gain peace & serenity in there, which I can utilise to send out to those in need.

WOW!   How blessed & fortunate am I?

Love & blessings

Rosie 🕉

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Here is a link to my new blog site which I hope to fill with words, prose, poetry & inspirations both from my darkest days & my brightest.  I would be delighted if you would give it a read & maybe follow it. Thanks.   The site is rosie-anne bright.wordpress.com 

Challenging your own views

Respecting other points of view

I have a tendency to be very headstrong, especially if it involves something that I feel passionate about. I’ve always convinced myself that I know instinctively what is right or wrong for me. As I have grown in maturity ( questionable!) I have had to rethink a lot of my hard held beliefs, Particularly about my attitude towards anyone who tries to alter my choices without justification.  This has been very strongly engrained into my psyche, even as a small child I have had to fight for my often unorthodox attitudes to be given any serious considerations.

I was always dressed in beautiful clothes as a young girl & wasn’t allowed to question it, even though I wanted to be like my friends- I hated being different!                                                       As the years passed, my personal choices became very important to me & it has to be said that I have been known to deliberately dress inappropriately just to prove my point!             I have also been know to stick my heels in over issues that were really non important, just because someone tried to force me to do something against my will.  Of course this is a very silly attitude to take albeit one that many people subscribe to.

Occasionaly however it is worth rocking the boat if you really believe it necessary.   One example of this was at school when I was about 13.  I have always enjoyed all thing creative, partly because it allows self expression.  My art teacher was always telling us how things ‘should’ look & had a nasty tendency to alter our pictures against our will.  The final straw came when she actually took my paintbrush from me, against my wishes & totally transformed my work of art from something that I was happy with, into her vision of what it should have looked like. To add insult to that humiliation she then told me to pin it on the wall,  ready to show parents that evening.   I was a very reserved, nervous child who did as she was told at school & rarely got into any trouble,   but this time I saw red!!!                           I  REFUSED!      Point blank   NO!                                                             It was no longer my picture, I wouldn’t put my name to it!     Even under threat of punishment I stood my ground.                     I got sent outside to reconsider my stance, but it actually strengthened it.     Defiance gave me a feeling that I hadn’t known & I have to admit that it felt good.                                      Yes I got into trouble, both with my teachers & parents but it was a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

Unfortunately standing up for yourself can often backfire if not kept under control.    We all need to chose our battles.    Being the winner loses it’s glory if you choose to go to fight over every issue that you disagree with.     Equally unsuccessful is the attitude of always  giving in just to keep the peace – this causes unexpressed frustration & anger.                                               Balance as always is the key !

Following a very turbulent marriage, during which I found myself losing control of my own thoughts & actions, I had to work very hard to rebuild my confidence.   I struggled for quite a while because I couldn’t get the balance right – I couldn’t find the right way of stand up for myself without being confrontational.    With time & practice  (and lots of failures)  I  have more or less learnt how to express myself,   but it hasn’t been easy!    I have grown very strong & now am no longer afraid to oppose something that I feel is unjust.   This however can backfire,   sometimes we can be so wrapped up in the injustice of something that we don’t stop to question whether we may have got it wrong.

Writing is a newly revived passion of mine & whenever I have created something that I feel pleased with,  I protect it,  mindful of the art teachers’ clumsy attempts at improving my artistic talents.  I treat my new creations as if they are really something precious!   Some might say that this is as it should be,  but is it really?

I attend a writing class which I thoroughly enjoy,  however I am not too keen on criticism or suggestions on how to improve my work.   I tolerate them,    after all I know that they are being said as part of the course- no one is above learning & to do that we have to accept that improvements could be made.     This happened to me again today & although I accepted the feedback,   I quietly told myself that it wouldn’t make a jot of difference – after all,   it was MY WORK   not theirs!   I noted the suggested alterations  but didn’t really believe it was necessary.   However I found myself rewriting my story,  following the alternative ideas,    Mainly to prove to myself that my idea was better.   But was it?    Now I am not sure.     That’s the point – I’m no longer certain.  Both methods have brought pleasing results,  but both very different.  This has made me stop & have a total rethink,    not just  about the writing,   that will find it’s form,   but about  re evaluating  our beliefs & views.

We all know people who are totally sure that their way is the only way.     We are usually in agreement that these people are very deluded,    no one can always be right.   But how many of us are happy to relook at ourselves & our stance over issues that we feel passionate about?

As we grow, we change,   our outlook changes,   our actions change,   but do our views change?     I know that I for one have radically changed my thoughts on things that I once would have fought tooth & nail for.    We all need to follow,  like  or  do things that work for us.   We are not sheep.   All of us have free will to think for ourselves,  yet so many still follow  their parents’ political views without questioning why.  Too many women ( especially older ) agree with their partners views on everything,   as if they aren’t entitled to think for themselves.

I’m not advocating anarchy.   I’m a peace lover.    What I am suggesting is that we all look at why we follow certain things.   If after reassessing  our reasoning  we come back to the original belief, all well & good,   at least those thoughts will   be current & viable  for us personally.    In so many cases there is no right or wrong way, just different.    As long as we are true to ourselves, then our opinions really are relevant.

I learnt a lot today at the writing class.    (Once the dreaded pride was pushed out of the way.)    I’m a learner, no more, no less.    I’m inexperienced, that’s why I am at the class.  I need to be taught.     I don’t need to hang onto things out of principal.    I can reassess,  rethink  & change what I’m doing  or stay as I am.   My choice.   As long as it is my decision & done for the correct reason,   then it really is ok.     I can go with the flow, or swim against the tide,    but I really should understand  why I am doing it!

whether you agree with what I’ve said, or totally disagree, as long as it is your own free thought, then I am happy, this blog has done it’s job.

written with sincerity & love

Rosie X

 

Time for a rethink?

I attend a writing course & am becoming more & more hooked on it.  I am writing mainly short stories & poetry but still it isn’t enough. I don’t feel that I am ready to tackle a novel yet, although am playing with ideas on a semi autobiographical book, time will tell.

As I have previously said,  I have set up as a motivational coach which is still in it’s formative stages.  I get huge satisfaction in helping other people & have an overwhelming desire to put my crap life experience to good use,  however a new idea has crept into my head  & refuses to go away!   This in itself is very typical of me,  I regularly chop & change things , I couldn’t bear to be stuck in a rut!  However my idea could entail hitting my new business on the head before it’s had time to get established  & I’m not sure whether that is very sensible – Hey but who wants to be sensible?

I really, really, really want to work in the field of journalism but don’t want to give up on ‘Fulfilling Life’ (my business) so here lies my dilemma………………….

I have been thinking about trying to get a regular magazine or newspaper column, where I could continue to act as a motivator, but  through a series of blog type articles,  maybe helping with readers problems as well. It would seem to have everything that I have ever wanted all rolled into one!   This brings up many insecurities.   First  & foremost I guess would be the obvious question of whether I am good enough?  Could I hold write interesting articles & keep readers interest on a regular basis?  Am I knowledgeable enough to put my views out there, for all the world to see & judge me?    Another question is that of pride – I have advertised my new venture extensively & had so many good wishes that I would feel a failure if I gave it all up now.   Of course the simple answer to that is that it shouldn’t make a jot of difference what people thought about my life choices,  I tell people this all the time!   It has taken me a long time to cultivate my confidence, something that has totally changed my life, so why am I having a bit of a wobble in case people think I’m taking the easy way out?   The saddest part is that I know the answers to these questions but I am procrastinating – something I rarely do.  I need to put my trust in the Universe, write my pitches & see what happens, so why isn’t it that easy?

I think if I’m honest with myself, the fact is that because I am so happy with my life, I’m worried about rocking the apple cart!   It’s not about getting rich, or about becoming well known,  or getting praise,  it’s just that I feel that I have so much to give & want to find the best forum to do it.   I have had many different ideas but my physical health limits me in what I can practically do. I have severe widespread pain, predominantly through Fibromyalgia, and  have other issues too, which prevents me walking very far or for very long. I also have eyesight difficulties & some cognitive & balance problems  but for far  too  long I allowed my disability to dictate what I could & couldn’t do. Now  I do the exact opposite,  I push myself far too far to prove that I won’t be stopped.  This of course is a stupid way of doing things as my bedridden days prove!

 So why am I unable to settle for what I already have?    EASY!    Because I am human!   Just like the people that I help, I feel uncertain at times, and don’t know what to do, but  as I would say to them,  

       ” trust yourself,   listen to your inner wisdom,   it will never lie to you or let you down”.  

 I believe in those words.    They have  just worked for me too.   I listened,  like an outsider,   to myself as I wrote it down  & then was hit across the head by a huge sledgehammer, or more likely a feather, of realisation.   I must stop doubting myself.   We get back what we put out to the Universe.  If I send out negative vibes, I can’t expect positive resolutions !    I will begin to research my markets,  I will  write my letters to pitch for work. I will put my faith &  trust that the right thing for me will come about.    Whatever the outcome, I will be grateful.    It seems so obvious now!

Thankyou for giving me space to waffle & work things out. I don’t know if any of this will resonate with you   but it has certainly been helpful to me.  So in gratitude I will say goodnight X

Keep on blogging,  keep on laughing,  keep on loving,

Rosie xx

In search of happiness (Sharing a miracle).            

Happy being me!
Happy being me!

for more years than I care to remember I have felt sad, lonely & extremely depressed. Even during good times I felt more empty than I can describe. Unhappy childhood, insecurity, 3 broken marriages, 5 messed up children – it wasn’t a pretty picture. 

Something had to change

I chose to end my life on several occasions, figuring that this would bring about the change to my sorrow. It didn’t. All I succeeded in doing was make myself more physically unwell.

Just over a year ago the first miracle happened, I was referred to a clinical psychologist who spent an amazing 12 months patiently unpicking my fears & piecing together the reasons for my traumatic past, with a form of therapy called Cognitive Anylitical Therapy, or CAT for short. 

At first things got worse, another suicide attempt followed shortly after I had been diagnosed with emotional borderline personality disorder. I was horrified by the title, I had heard about anger issues & disassociation, surely that wasn’t me? Had my past problems all been down to me? Was I responsible for all the unhappiness that seemed to surround me?  I couldn’t live with myself if that was true. I already felt a total failure .  My family had all but deserted me, my 30year marriage to an alcoholic had folded. 

And it was ALL MY FAULT !         At least that’s what it felt like.         I was unlovable, unlikeable , uncaring – a waste of space!!!

Then miracle 2 happened, or maybe it was miracle one, part two?

I’m not sure how or when it happened, all I know is that I discovered an overwhelming desire to change my life. I had always felt ‘different’ from my friends but had discovered that if I wanted to be accepted, I had to be a sheep & follow the flock. Suddenly I found the strength to stand up and say – I AM ME , I DON’T NEED TO APOLOGISE FO IT.

I don’t know where my inner strength came from but I guess it had been hidden away in the mess that had been my life. Having a supportive network around me in the form of friends & the mental health team had acted like a safety net. I had hit rock bottom & like a drowning man I had found the will to survive. They held me safe until I found the way to take my first unsteady independent steps. I began to speak MY TRUTH. Began to learn all that I could about healthy living, both physical & psychological. I learnt about using positive affirmations. I began saying yes instead no. I stopped pretending. I stopped eating wheat & other grains, yeast, sugar & all dairy products. Being a strict vegetarian this made my diet very limiting but in a very bizarre way it also freed me!

Miracle 3.     The sun came out, not just in the sky but in my heart!  I was progressively losing weight & felt so, so good.  Instead of wallowing in my daily pain caused by severe fibromyalgia, I began to force myself to try to walk a little. It hurt like hell, still does but the pleasure that I get from being out in the fresh air & reclaiming a little of my independence makes is all worth while.

I began to be told how inspirational I was – WOW, me? At first I was embarrassed by it but then decided to accept the compliment. This got me thinking, what if there was something in what they said?  During meditation & prayers I kept feeling the need to write my feelings down, in case even one person could gain something from my story.

So here I am, writing this blog. There is so much inside of me bursting to get out. I need to write, to help me understand what has happened, as much as helping anyone else. It isn’t a short concise story, I haven’t really touched on the beginning & have no notion of if or where it may come to a conclusion, but today, Christmas Day 2014 I have begun.

Please follow my blogs if you are interested. I feel excited to be sharing my journey. Please join me, you will be very welcome  & a journey shared is so much better than a lone one

Blessings from the powers of the Universe

xxx

Rosie xxx