Today I have felt dreadful. There’s no point in me dressing it up – I have felt absolutely awful!
I had made plans for today. Depending on how well I felt, I intended going out for a wander around my hometown or if I wasn’t strong enough, I’d stay at home & continue with my decluttering. What I hadn’t reckoned on was to wake up with a banging headache. Unusually for me, I had a very disturbing dream, one of those that you can’t shake off! Although not a nightmare it was quite unnerving. I tried to return to sleep but my mind wasn’t going to play ball, it was insistent that I carry the images from the dream around with me all day. Try as I might, it wasn’t to be ignored!
After forcing myself to get up, feed the cat & follow the initial morning routine, I realised that today would be a wipe out unless I got some quality sleep. Much to my cats’ disgust, I returned back to bed and slept and slept and slept. I finally opened my eyes well after midday. It took just a matter of a few seconds to know that I actually felt worse, not better! I am telling you this, simply to set the scene for my pondering.
As some of you will know, I’ve been unwell for quite a while now, which has hit me very hard, especially since I have been flying high for several months prior to this. During that ‘well’ time, although still in tremendous pain, I managed to have a very full & enjoyable life. I knew that I had been pushing myself too hard ( fibromyalgia hates being pushed) so wasn’t at all surprised to have a relapse, but the severity has taken me by surprise. Enough whinging! Suffice it to say that a ‘well period’ feels very much overdue!
Thankfully throughout this difficult period, I have remained ( on the whole) cheerful & have managed to keep depression at bay. However recently I have been writing a lot, including a book about a difficult period in my life. As you may understand, this has brought up a lot of previously buried emotions. Add to this my support for the ‘Time to Change ‘ campaign, which is trying to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health difficulties (please see my recent blog). and it’s not hard to see that I have had to fight the black dog ( depression) which has been snapping at my heels. Yesterday was a particularly melancholy day, not helped by it being the anniversary of my Mothers’ passing, a couple of years ago. All in all it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster!
Needless to say, I felt unable to go out today & as soon as I began to do any form of activity, it soon became apparent that that was to be a no no also! The most physical thing that I have achieved was washing a few dishes & boiling some potatoes for my meal.
As someone who has had previous long term agoraphobia, I am very mindful about not allowing myself to go down that road again. Now, especially since I have felt so exhausted, I have been staying at home most days & have been concentrating on my writing. If I’m honest, I’ve quite enjoyed being a hermit, but in my circumstances it is a risky strategy! Since not being able to do much else today, I decided to sit & write, except that falling asleep again was all I managed. After my 3rd or was it 4th nap? I gave up the idea. As many people know, when you create a void, something needs to fill its’ space, in my case it was a churning brain, firing questions at me. I began to worry if I was getting mentally unstable again, but quickly dismissed that idea. But then I reasoned if it wasn’t that, was I being punished for something? By now getting into dangerous territory, I gave myself a bit of a shake & looked at what has actually happened.
Yes, I’ve been unable to go out much, which has had a knock on effect of my spending being reduced. Positive outcome!
Yes, I’ve been forced to take a lengthy absence from my voluntary job. I found this devastating, but it has helped me to see that when I return , not only will I be more physically able to work, I will be able to re-evaluate quite what tasks I should & shouldn’t take on. Resulting in a decision to make a slightly different work schedule. Positive outcome!
Yes, I have missed many groups & clubs. Result being that I had realised how much I had been burning the candle at both ends. I needed a rest. I knew it. I ignored it. Now I can see that as a pensioner, with a variety of medical problems, I should prioritise & concentrate on what I need to do, rather than what I want to do! Life won’t grind to a halt if I withdraw from one or two activities. Life will go on, as will the clubs without me. Positive outcome!
Yes, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands. Result being that I have used that time decluttering my home, making it a much nicer, airier space. Definite winner all round there!
Yes, I’ve had to let a lot of people down, something that I hate doing. Resulting in being able to catch up with overdue paperwork & also old friendships via social media. Positive outcome!
Yes, I have been unable to buy fresh food. ( someone does get me essentials). Result being that I have been forced to use up food from my freezer & store cupboard ( or black hole, as it often seems!) I have also invented many simple, tasty & nutritional vegan meals & snacks for myself. Some of which I will at some point share on my sister page http:// Rosieways, howdidisite.com . My kitchen cupboard agrees it ‘s definitely been a positive outcome!
Being unable to do everything for myself , I’ve had to swallow my pride & ask for help. Result being a lesson in humility that I badly needed. Positive outcome!
Finally for now, Yes, I have been unable to keep up with housework, laundry etc. Result, first of all – does it really matter? Mainly though, enforced resting has given me plenty of time to write, write, write & write some more. I have wanted to dedicate more time to creative writing, but never found much spare time. In the past few weeks I have actively written more than I would have thought possible. I have created a writing routine. I have sorted out my writing books into one place, easy to find & use. Have found many interesting websites to aid my muse & have entered a couple of competitions. Positive outcome!
Although I already knew about not being given questions ( & hardships / challenges ) without being given the answers (or solutions)It took an enforced rest to help me actually take notice!
The end result to all of this episode will hopefully be a much more relaxed schedule with more ‘me’ time, more space for creativity & maybe even a healthier bank balance.
I certainly have a lot to be grateful for. Namaste X
Love & Blessings to you all.