Recently I have been getting particularly exhausted, not unexpected, as I have fibromyalgia & CFS, but at times it seems particularly prevalent, this has been such a time!  I have been working hard at letting go of past burdens, guilt, anger, upset & so on, which if I’m honest, has been extremely liberating, yet tiring. It has entailed facing a lot of things that felt easier tucked away, but needed to be unearthed before I could let them  go from my life.  At times I’ve become almost manically obsessed with the mental & physical decluttering, again adding to threatening overload, my way of dealing with this has been to push myself even harder!!!  Originally I kept myself  challenged, because it prevented me having time to dwell on my problems, particularly my physical pain, but of course, like all things, taken to extreme it ceases to be helpful! I knew that I needed a rethink, yet couldn’t see how to usefully change anything.  I meditated & prayed for guidance & have received it in quite an unexpected way.

One of my key aims is to let go of my physical disabilities. I really dislike being disabled, (which may sound an obvious statement) but I have worked so hard on self improvement, lost loads of weight, learnt to walk a little better, albeit with support, but the more I’ve improved, the more I want! I am convinced that with a positive attitude, I can dispense with this illness. I am determined that in some way, I will learn to be ‘whole’ again. I had to learn how to cope with my disability, to be able to help others to do the same. I understand that lesson( even if I haven’t yet achieved it.)  Now I need to go one major step further. One day, hopefully in the not too distant future, I will overcome this illness,mbe able to dispense with the disabled label, put my walking aids into retirement & stand firmly on my own two feet!  I’m not quite sure how it will happen, but I’m determined that it will!

During a recent psychic surgery treatment, the word ‘CLARITY’ filled my head. At first I was a little unsure what this meant, but decided just to wait for an explanation to manifest. Over the following days I knew that I needed to simplify my life, not just decluttering, but simplify everything about myself & my way of being. Hmm, bit extreme, I thought, but who am I to argue?  So I began with practical things, sorting overdue paperwork, combining two bank accounts into one, that sort of thing, yet it wasn’t enough.  I’ve been very frustrated because ill health has forced me to drop out of my exercise class, I can feel myself getting sluggish & unfit, this in turn has led to me loosening my grip on my dietary needs, leading to a slight weight gain. I knew that I needed to regain control, or it would be downhill all the way. I refuse to allow that to happen!  I haven’t even been able to work on my book, unable to concentrate, the heaviness in my stomach, being a constant reminder that things need to change, it was as if I was punishing myself, yet not really sure why.   How can simplicity & clarity be relevant, when I was feeling such a wreck?

Thankfully I have total faith that the Universe would provide the answers, which of course it has.

I’ve loved being fitter & more able, it’s given me so much confidence & provided the motivation to aim higher. I trained a year or so ago, as a flexercise leader & wanted to help older people. I loved doing it, but once again, it became physically too much for me & I was forced to stop. I’ve been trying to push myself back into that mould, but realised that it is no longer the right way for me. Another dream to let go!

Simplicity.  Clarity. What does it mean?

Last weekend, while using my iPad, I found myself flipping through old emails. One message in my sent box, made me want to cry – a letter to my tutor, explaining my need to withdraw from Tai Chi training, again due to ill health, ( this time involving hospitalisation). That had been such a confidence blow. I loved the Chinese art form, yet not only was I too ill to carry on, I had lost faith in my ability to ever be able to teach it. So I gave up!  I’d also cringed with embarrassment at letting everyone down, Including v myself!  Reading that letter made me realise that my health always seemed to get the upper hand. I decided there & then, that it wouldn’t anymore!  I found myself swallowing my pride & writing to the Tai Chi Master, asking to be allowed to resume my training. I doubted that he would even reply, yet he did & has welcomed me back with open arms!  I return to class tomorrow!

Suddenly it all makes sense.   CLARITY.  Tai Chi ( Shibashi) is an extremely gentle exercise form, yet incredibly empowering. It not only energises & balances the body, but brings peace & stillness to the inner self.  I’d been trying too hard!   The class is near to my home, so no transport worries, I don’t need equipment, or special clothing. I just need a dedication to wanting to improve my wellbeing through simple, slow, peacefull movements.  I’d never lost the love of Tai Chi & still practice it when I feel the need ( not very disciplined!)  It had been staring me in the face!  I’d even come across my exercise clothing & soft shoes recently, I had been unable to get rid of them.

When my training has been completed, I will be able to hone my class to the people I most want to help – disabled, elderly & those who need extra encouragement & support. This will all be done on a voluntary basis. I feel absolutely overwhelmed!   The answer really was about simplicity. I don’t need to force myself into doing exercises that make me unwell, I need to be more like the tortoise, slow, quiet & persistent. Understand my place in this world. Rushing around & pushing myself wasn’t the answer, slow, gentle & steady is! I will succeed this time, it has all become so clear.  Before I could move forward, I had to take a step back. I had been making life too complicated, always striving for more difficult challenges.  I had to let go of my pride & be ready to follow where the Universe was leading me.

I know that I can & will win the battle with my disability somehow.

I am ready to resume writing  ( & publishing ) my book. I have the time.

I am ready to accept more space & Clarity in my life.

I am ready to succeed.

Just another twist in this strange & wonderful life!

 

On my fridge there is a little sign that says ‘Remain Calmly Active & Actively Calm’

I understand what it means!

Thank you for  sharing my journey,

until next time, I wish you peace & love.

Rosie x

 

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