Acceptance can be uncomfortable

I have had to face an uncomfortable truth recently, to put it simply, I’ve had to accept that I am just a mere mortal, with all the normal frailties that come with being a pensioner.

Since feeling so well over many months I have convinced myself that I am a 63 year old version of Superwoman. I have taken on so many new roles & challenges that I think that a healthy youngster would have struggled.  Absolutely convinced that I had limitless energy reserves, I took a bold/ stupid decision to cancel all help from my carer.  I then launched into a total revamp of my weekly activities. Many people asked how I fitted so much into my days, especially while still coping with constant pain. I’d shrug & say that it was easy, but of course it wasn’t! Yes I loved feeling so strong & being in total control of my life. I’ve hated being dependant on other people & thought that this was my turning point, but I guess I just got too complacent.

My Grandmother was forever telling me that pride comes before a fall, well  I have had a major fall, all self induced.

Recently I’ve had to swallow my pride & accept that I was drowning in  the chaos that I was creating. Everywhere I looked there was ( & still is) piles of clothes , books & bric a brac destined for the charity shop. My laundry wasn’t being done & I had found it too difficult to cook my meals, so was eating rubbish, mind you I couldn’t have done much in my kitchen anyway because It looked like a herd of wild animals had rampaged through it.  You see I had been so busy proving that I could cope, that in reality, I just wasn’t!   Could it have been that I was only coping so well previously simply because I was getting help?

Eventually I realised that I was making myself I’ll, for what? Just to prove a point to myself! Thankfully I was able to get some help reinstated, I do hope that one day I will be able to manage alone, but if not, well so be it.

Unfortunately my lesson didn’t end there.  In a fit of positivity I had ordered a wardrobe to be delivered, to enable me to organise & store my mountain of handicraft bits & pieces. It duly arrived yesterday. As it was being carried in I made a mental note that it looked heavy, but when asked where I wanted it, rather than face the embarresment of admitting how messy my bedroom was, I asked them to leave it in the living room, saying that someone would help me later. Lies of course! 

Shortly afterwards I found myself trapped under an extremely heavy wardrobe, unable to move in any direction. I could have reached the emergency cord that would have summoned help – but again pride stopped me.  Eventually I was able to free myself & get the wardrobe where I wanted it, but not before I had knocked my head badly on an overhanging shelf & causing an Angina attack. All of this through pride?   I was reminded of this later when A paramedic had to call on me & check me over. He was with me for well over an hour, time that he could have been needed  helping at the scene of an accident or saving a child.    Thankfully I was ok, just desperately in need of rest, as well as having a bit of an infection, but nothing that warranted having an ambulance waiting to whisk me off to hospital.   I am so ashamed of allowing my pride to take over my common sense.

I guess that if there is a moral to this tale it will be that pride really does come before a fall! Grandmother was right!

I hope that I am able to learn from this. I must accept that I need to prioritise my wishes. I have set up a new business helping to motivate people who aren’t able to face things alone, I feel even better placed now to do this, I am more able to stress the importance of pacing yourself & acting responsibly, according to your own abilities.  I also volunteer at a memory clinic, again something I will not give up, however I realise that I am unable to give them my time this week, I will still be recouperating & regaining my strength. I will really miss being there, my personal punishment for being so headstrong.

This has given me quite a wake up call. I don’t want to be needy & reliant on other people, yet if I’m not more sensible, that’s exactly what will happen.  I’m not Superwoman, just a pensioner with a new love of life.   I can’t do everything that I’d like but with a little more care & a lot less pride, I can still have a very rich & fulfilling life.  Every time I face a problem, I am shown a way to overcome it. In doing this I am shown a new life lesson. 

I will remember this lesson , the more important thing being – will I change my behaviour?  I certainly hope so,  I don’t want pride to become my downfall, but the only one that can prevent this is me.  I am responsible for my life, my mistakes, just as we all are.  I am so grateful that this has happened, as a I have said so many times, I believe everything happens for a reason. 

Even in pain I feel so happy & glad to be alive. I am truly blessed

Rosie X