Learning from disappointment.

I have had the strangest week!
I tend to overbook myself & end up burning the candle at both ends as well as in the middle. Not one to give in, I keep pushing myself until I come to an abrupt halt. Recently I have been approaching the halt sign & had tried to reduce my unnecessary workload before I hit it – however I needn’t have worried, it was taken out of my hands.

Having more than one commitment a day causes me extreme exhaustion & pain, however sometimes it can’t be avoided, Wednesday this week was one such day.
Although looking forward to the first event ( as a mental health champion with Mind/ Rethink at a freshers day talking to students) it was expected to be tiring. Knowing that I had an important meeting the same evening, I was a little concerned how to pace myself. I preplanned my meals, double checked bus timetables & was getting close to worrying about it.

The evening before, it got cancelled.

I used the opportunity to attend a different group, then of course began to beat myself up because I was still over stretching myself.

On my return I received a message to say that I wasn’t needed at the evening meeting.

Hmm, bit weird. Maybe the Universe was making my decisions for me?

Following a very exhausting day at my voluntary job yesterday, I felt dreadful this morning. A friend gave me the routine lecture about taking things easier, which led to a discussion about my upcoming charity abseil –

Just received an email telling me that it has been cancelled!!!

I’m beginning to see a pattern here.
As I rarely get stressed or worried about things, I emailed the abseil organiser asking to be notified if another becomes available,then decided to write this blog.

Just received an email telling me that another abseil is being arranged.

I wonder if the Universe is testing me or playing jokes?

It has however made me think whether I need to learn something from this. As always there was a very definite lesson trying to get it’s message across.
I have had to ask myself if I was getting a bit egotistical & full of my own self importance? Possibly I was. So many people do far more important & worthwhile things than I do. Of course to me, my achievements are big, but not to everyone else. I had been banging on about the abseil to anyone who would listen, probably boring the pants off them. Had I allowed my courage & determination go to my head? I had enjoyed the praise that I was receiving.

Humility isn’t simply a word, it’a life choice. Made for the right reasons. Not something done for glory, or to be boasted about. I had fallen into a trap.

Humility is about simplicity, about genuine care, about honour.
Part of me thinks that I should be ashamed, but isn’t that playing the same card?
I need to actually understand & learn from the lesson. Being ashamed isn’t the solution. I had strayed from my life choice, chosen to broadcast my glory. Been guilty of pride & tripped myself up. It wasn’t about doing anything wrong, it was doing things in the wrong way. I enjoy helping others, I do it because it helps us both. I don’t need to broadcast it. I’m no saint, just a person trying to fulfil my purpose on this earth ( as feels right to me). Helping someone so that you get praised isn’t what it should be about.

Acceptance & Humilty are all important. Or certainly should be.

I’m thankful for being able to understand what it all meant.
We are all trying to find our way through the maze of life. There will always be hazards, blocks & difficulties, without these we would be unable to appreciate when things are going well. The newer abseil gives me a chance to approach things differently. Yes I will still approach people for sponsorship but for the correct reasons – just to gain money for the charities, not so that I can bask in the glory of how brave I am. It lovely to be paid compliments but to accept them with grace is not the same as milking it for all it’s worth.

In gratitude & with humility I accept this lesson.

Rosie X

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Until next time, take care x

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I only need prove to myself.

Recently I have questioned myself about where my confidence has come from & why I keep setting myself challenges. I’m not totally sure of the answer but am so thankful that I feel this way.

Today two people were teasing me about my forthcoming charity abseil, saying that I was proving something to everyone else. They couldn’t have been more wrong.
Of course it will be great to show the world that I can do it – me, little old age pensioner me! Naturally I hope that my children will be very proud of me but ultimately I’m doing the challenge for two very different reasons. The first being that I want to raise money for SOS Africa, as the plight of the people there is abhorrent. I’ve raised funds for the Country in a few ways but this is definitely the biggest that I’ve done.

I had hoped to volunteer in Ghana this October, teaching young children in the poorest parts of the area. It probably wouldn’t have helped very much but at least I would have tried. Unfortunately common sense has stopped me from going.

My health is very variable & I can have a bad spell without warning. Over there I would have been pushing myself to keep going, which is really asking for trouble. If I had become ill, I would have become a burden on the host family which would have been dreadful for them. I realised that going over there alone, with my health issues was being selfish.

I wanted to go. I wanted to do it. I wanted to be of help.
Sometimes however it’s more important to see the bigger picture.

There’s such a lot that I would like to do before this life ends. I wasted so many years through having agoraphobia that my choices are now limited. My teenage years weren’t filled with mad stunts,I was too busy being a Mum. I didn’t have the opportunity to explore the world or have exciting experiences, my children took up all of my time. Now so many years later, when many people begin to slow down, I want to experience everything that I am able.
I could save up & maybe in a few years afford a really exotic holiday but the thought leaves me hollow. What I want to experience is something that will enrich my life. Teach me something. I don’t need posh holidays, I’m content with what I do. I want something that money can’t buy me – and that is the inner satisfaction of proving to myself that I have enough trust and faith in the Universe to take these challenges.

I was a cowardly child. A nervous teenager. A troubled young mum & then a very anxious, depressed middle age woman. I was always so needy, incapable of managing anything on my own.

WHAT A WASTE OF LIFE!

Things are very different now.
I want to prove to myself that I have overcome those problems. I have finally discovered the real me & am happy but It doesn’t alter all of the wasted years.
Challenging myself helps me, helping others in the process makes everything even more worthwhile.

I want to embrace life. Celebrate being alive. That’s why I push myself. I could be taking it easy. Instead I fill my life with many diverse things, none of which I could have ever dreamed possible.
So no I’m not doing it for glory or to impress anyone. It’s my way of saying thank you for being alive and capable. I know how fortunate I am to have come through what I did. This is my way of showing gratitude.
I will be doing the abseil at the same time as I had planned to travel to Ghana – one door closed and another one immediately opened. Isn’t that amazing?

I will continue to challenge myself, some things may be trivial, some may not, but I don’t intend to waste any more of my precious time on this earth.

Rosie X

I hope that this has struck a chord with some of you & urge you to make the most of every single day.

Thanks for reading this. Please ‘follow’ & share my blogs, your support means such a lot X

Life keeps getting better

Each time I believe that my life has reached it’s peak, it proves me wrong & something even more wonderful happens.

Despite my reservations I recently set up a free writing group which has been running for a few weeks now. Attendance has been comparatively low which has been disappointing, however I realised that I was sending out the wrong signals to the Universe. I had been doubting my competence, once I dismissed that notion & realised that knowing that I was capable was not an ego trip, things began to change. This week I have had several enquirers from potential new members. Hopefully they will all come but It matters not if they change their minds – I won’t.

Everyday I become more certain of my abilities. I am continually learning new skills. My enthusiasm is growing for the writing group as well as a few other projects that I have in the pipeline.

So many people believe that their life wanes as they age. I don’t believe that it does. What seems to happen is that we need to change our direction as we age. Things that inspired or interested us when we were young lose their appeal or are no longer relevant. Too many people are afraid to let go & hang on to what they used to do/ be good at. This prevents them from learning new skills & finding new interests that would suit them better. There is so much that is out there to learn & experience. Don’t let fear hold you back-
GO FOR IT!ūüėČ

No questions without answers.

Today I have felt dreadful. ¬†There’s no point in me dressing it up – I have felt absolutely awful!

I had made plans for today. ¬† Depending on how well I felt, I intended going out for a wander around my hometown or if I wasn’t strong enough, I’d stay at home & continue with my decluttering. ¬† What I hadn’t reckoned on was to wake up with a banging headache. ¬†Unusually for me, I had a very disturbing dream, ¬†one of those that you can’t shake off! ¬†Although not a nightmare it was quite unnerving. ¬†I tried to return to sleep but my mind wasn’t going to play ball, it was insistent that I carry the images from the dream around with me all day. Try as I might, it wasn’t to be ignored!

After forcing myself to get up, feed the cat & follow the initial morning routine, I realised that today would be a wipe out unless I got some quality sleep. ¬†Much to my cats’ disgust, I returned back to bed and slept and slept and slept. ¬† I finally opened my eyes well after midday. It took just a matter of a few seconds to know that I actually felt worse, not better! ¬†I am telling you this, simply to set the scene for my pondering.

As some of you will know, I’ve been unwell for quite a while now, which has hit me very hard, especially since I have been flying high for several months prior to this. ¬†During that ‘well’ time, ¬†although still in tremendous pain, I managed to have a very full & enjoyable life. ¬†I knew that I had been pushing myself too hard ( fibromyalgia hates being pushed) so wasn’t at all surprised to have a relapse, but the severity has taken me by surprise. ¬† ¬†Enough whinging! ¬† ¬†Suffice it to say that a ‘well period’ feels very much overdue!

Thankfully throughout this difficult period, I have remained ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†( on the whole) cheerful & have managed to keep depression at bay. ¬† However recently I have been writing a lot, ¬† including a book about a difficult period in my life. As you may understand, this has brought up a lot of previously buried emotions. ¬† Add ¬†to this my support for the ‘Time to Change ‘ campaign, which is trying to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health difficulties (please see my recent blog). and it’s not hard to see that I have had to fight the black dog ( depression) which has been snapping at my heels. ¬†Yesterday was a particularly melancholy day, ¬†not helped by it being the anniversary of my Mothers’ passing, a couple of years ago. All in all it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster!

Needless to say, I felt unable to go out today & as soon as I began to do any form of activity,  it soon became apparent that that was to be a no no also! The most physical thing that I have achieved was washing a few dishes & boiling some potatoes for my meal.

As someone who has had previous long term agoraphobia, I am very mindful about not allowing myself to go down that road again. Now, especially since I have felt so exhausted, I have been staying at home most days & have been concentrating on my writing. ¬†If I’m honest, I’ve quite enjoyed being a hermit, but in my circumstances it is a risky strategy! ¬† ¬†Since not being able to do much else today, I decided to sit & write, except that falling asleep again was all I managed. ¬†After my 3rd or was it 4th nap? ¬†I gave up the idea. ¬† ¬† As many people know, when you create a void, something needs to fill its’ space, in my case it was a churning brain, firing questions at me. ¬†I began to worry if I was getting mentally unstable again, but quickly dismissed that idea. But then I reasoned if it wasn’t that, was I being punished for something? ¬†By now getting into dangerous territory, I gave myself a bit of a shake & looked ¬†at what has actually happened.

Yes, I’ve been unable to go out much, ¬†which has had a knock on effect of my spending being reduced. Positive outcome!

Yes, I’ve been forced to take a lengthy absence from my voluntary job. ¬†I found this devastating, but it has helped me to see that when I return , not only will I be more physically able to work, ¬†I will be able to re-evaluate ¬†quite what tasks I should & shouldn’t take on. Resulting in a decision to make a slightly different work schedule. Positive outcome!

Yes, I have missed many groups & clubs. ¬†Result being that I had realised how much I had been burning the candle at both ends. ¬†I needed a rest. ¬†I knew it. ¬†I ignored it. ¬†Now I can see that as a pensioner, with a variety of medical problems, I should prioritise & concentrate on what I need to do, rather than what I want to do! ¬†Life won’t grind to a halt if I withdraw from one or two activities. Life will go on, as will the clubs without me. ¬†Positive outcome!

Yes, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands. ¬†Result being that I have used that time decluttering ¬†my home, making it a much nicer, airier space. ¬†Definite winner all round there!

Yes, I’ve had to let a lot of people down, something that I hate doing. ¬† Resulting in being able to catch up with overdue paperwork & also old friendships via social media. ¬†Positive outcome!

Yes, I have been unable to buy fresh food. ( someone does get me essentials). ¬† Result being that I have been forced to use up food from my freezer & store cupboard ( or black hole, as it often seems!) ¬†I have also invented many simple, tasty & nutritional vegan meals & snacks for myself. Some of which I will at some point share on my sister page http:// Rosieways, ¬†howdidisite.com . My kitchen cupboard agrees it ‘s definitely been a positive outcome!

Being unable to do everything for myself , I’ve had to swallow my pride & ask for help. ¬†Result being a lesson in humility that I badly needed. ¬†Positive outcome!

Finally for now, Yes, I have been unable to keep up with housework, laundry etc.  Result, first of all Рdoes it really matter?  Mainly though, enforced resting has given me plenty of time to write, write, write & write some more.  I have wanted to dedicate more time to creative writing, but never found much spare time. In the past few weeks I have actively written more than I would have thought possible. I have created a writing routine. I have sorted out my writing books into one place, easy to find & use.  Have found many interesting websites to aid my muse & have entered a couple of competitions.  Positive outcome!

Although I already knew about not being given questions ( & hardships / challenges ) without being given the answers  (or solutions)It took an enforced rest to help me actually take notice!

The end result to all of this episode will hopefully be a much more relaxed schedule with more ‘me’ time, more space for creativity & maybe even a healthier bank balance.

I certainly have a lot to be grateful for.     Namaste X

Love & Blessings to you all.

Rosie X

 

Having second thoughts?

A couple of days ago I wrote a blog about my experiences with mental health. ¬†Although unintentional, I was actually a lot more forthright than I had intended. ¬†I’ve had quite a reaction to this blog, some saying how stupid I have been to be so open, other, my far the majority, have welcomed & thanked me for my honesty. Well, I’ve reassessed my thoughts about the wisdom of that post & have reached a very definite conclusion – ALthough a little embarrassing, I DO NOT REGRET WRITING IT ONE TINY BIT!

Mental health problems are very diverse, affecting a wide range of people. the range of illnesses affects everyone in many different ways. There is no one pill to cure all. In many cases it is a very long road of trial & error. Depending on the type of mental health problem, some people recover reasonably quickly, some never recover.   Everyone is an individual. One thing that most people have in common is the fight to be recognised as a normal person with an illness, not some freak of nature. This is something that needs to be addressed.

I will continue to speak out…

Rosie

 

Challenging your own views

Respecting other points of view

I have a tendency to be very headstrong, especially if it involves something that I feel passionate about. I’ve always convinced myself that I know instinctively what is right or wrong for me. As I have grown in maturity ( questionable!) I have had to rethink a lot of my hard held beliefs, Particularly about my attitude towards anyone who tries to alter my choices without justification. ¬†This has been very strongly engrained into my psyche, even as a small child I have had to fight for my often unorthodox attitudes to be given any serious considerations.

I was always dressed in beautiful clothes as a young girl & wasn’t allowed to question it, even though I wanted to be like my friends- I hated being different! ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† As the years passed, my personal choices became very important to me & it has to be said that I have been known to deliberately dress inappropriately just to prove my point! ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I have also been know to stick my heels in over issues that were really non important, just because someone tried to force me to do something against my will. ¬†Of course this is a very silly attitude to take albeit one that many people subscribe to.

Occasionaly however it is worth rocking the boat if you really believe it necessary. ¬† One example of this was at school when I was about 13. ¬†I have always enjoyed all thing creative, partly because it allows self expression. ¬†My art teacher was always telling us how things ‘should’ look & had a nasty tendency to alter our pictures against our will. ¬†The final straw came when she actually took my paintbrush from me, against my wishes & totally transformed my work of art from something that I was happy with, into her vision of what it should have looked like. To add insult to that humiliation she then told me to pin it on the wall, ¬†ready to show parents that evening. ¬† I was a very reserved, nervous child who did as she was told at school & rarely got into any trouble, ¬† but this time I saw red!!! ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬† ¬† ¬†I ¬†REFUSED! ¬† ¬† ¬†Point blank ¬† NO! ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† It was no longer my picture, I wouldn’t put my name to it! ¬† ¬† Even under threat of punishment I stood my ground. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I got sent outside to reconsider my stance, but it actually strengthened it. ¬† ¬† Defiance gave me a feeling that I hadn’t known & I have to admit that it felt good. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Yes I got into trouble, both with my teachers & parents but it was a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

Unfortunately standing up for yourself can often backfire if not kept under control. ¬† ¬†We all need to chose our battles. ¬† ¬†Being the winner loses it’s glory if you choose to go to fight over every issue that you disagree with. ¬† ¬† Equally unsuccessful is the attitude of always ¬†giving in just to keep the peace – this causes unexpressed frustration & anger. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Balance as always is the key !

Following a very turbulent marriage, during which I found myself losing control of my own thoughts & actions, I had to work very hard to rebuild my confidence. ¬† I struggled for quite a while because I couldn’t get the balance right – I couldn’t find the right way of stand up for myself without being confrontational. ¬† ¬†With time & practice ¬†(and lots of failures) ¬†I ¬†have more or less learnt how to express myself, ¬† but it hasn’t been easy! ¬† ¬†I have grown very strong & now am no longer afraid to oppose something that I feel is unjust. ¬† This however can backfire, ¬† sometimes we can be so wrapped up in the injustice of something that we don’t stop to question whether we may have got it wrong.

Writing is a newly revived passion of mine & whenever I have created something that I feel pleased with, ¬†I protect it, ¬†mindful of the art teachers’ clumsy attempts at improving my artistic talents. ¬†I treat my new creations as if they are really something precious! ¬† Some might say that this is as it should be, ¬†but is it really?

I attend a writing class which I thoroughly enjoy, ¬†however I am not too keen on criticism or suggestions on how to improve my work. ¬† I tolerate them, ¬† ¬†after all I know that they are being said as part of the course- no one is above learning & to do that we have to accept that improvements could be made. ¬† ¬† This happened to me again today & although I accepted the feedback, ¬† I quietly told myself that it wouldn’t make a jot of difference – after all, ¬† it was MY WORK ¬† not theirs! ¬† I noted the suggested alterations ¬†but didn’t really believe it was necessary. ¬† However I found myself rewriting my story, ¬†following the alternative ideas, ¬† ¬†Mainly to prove to myself that my idea was better. ¬† But was it? ¬† ¬†Now I am not sure. ¬† ¬† That’s the point – I’m no longer certain. ¬†Both methods have brought pleasing results, ¬†but both very different. ¬†This has made me stop & have a total rethink, ¬† ¬†not just ¬†about the writing, ¬† that will find it’s form, ¬† but about ¬†re evaluating ¬†our beliefs & views.

We all know people who are totally sure that their way is the only way.     We are usually in agreement that these people are very deluded,    no one can always be right.   But how many of us are happy to relook at ourselves & our stance over issues that we feel passionate about?

As we grow, we change, ¬† our outlook changes, ¬† our actions change, ¬† but do our views change? ¬† ¬† I know that I for one have radically changed my thoughts on things that I once would have fought tooth & nail for. ¬† ¬†We all need to follow, ¬†like ¬†or ¬†do things that work for us. ¬† We are not sheep. ¬† All of us have free will to think for ourselves, ¬†yet so many still follow ¬†their parents’ political views without questioning why. ¬†Too many women ( especially older ) agree with their partners views on everything, ¬† as if they aren’t entitled to think for themselves.

I’m not advocating anarchy. ¬† I’m a peace lover. ¬† ¬†What I am suggesting is that we all look at why we follow certain things. ¬† If after reassessing ¬†our reasoning ¬†we come back to the original belief, all well & good, ¬† at least those thoughts will ¬† be current & viable ¬†for us personally. ¬† ¬†In so many cases there is no right or wrong way, just different. ¬† ¬†As long as we are true to ourselves, then our opinions really are relevant.

I learnt a lot today at the writing class. ¬† ¬†(Once the dreaded pride was pushed out of the way.) ¬† ¬†I’m a learner, no more, no less. ¬† ¬†I’m inexperienced, that’s why I am at the class. ¬†I need to be taught. ¬† ¬† I don’t need to hang onto things out of principal. ¬† ¬†I can reassess, ¬†rethink ¬†& change what I’m doing ¬†or stay as I am. ¬† My choice. ¬† As long as it is my decision & done for the correct reason, ¬† then it really is ok. ¬† ¬† I can go with the flow, or swim against the tide, ¬† ¬†but I really should understand ¬†why I am doing it!

whether you agree with what I’ve said, or totally disagree, as long as it is your own free thought, then I am happy, this blog has done it’s job.

written with sincerity & love

Rosie X

 

Time for a rethink?

I attend a writing course & am becoming more & more hooked on it. ¬†I am writing mainly short stories & poetry but still it isn’t enough. I don’t feel that I am ready to tackle a novel yet, although am playing with ideas on a semi autobiographical book, time will tell.

As I have previously said, ¬†I have set up as a motivational coach which is still in it’s formative stages. ¬†I get huge satisfaction in helping other people & have an overwhelming desire to put my crap life experience to good use, ¬†however a new idea has crept into my head ¬†& refuses to go away! ¬† This in itself is very typical of me, ¬†I regularly chop & change things , I couldn’t bear to be stuck in a rut! ¬†However my idea could entail hitting my new business on the head before it’s had time to get established ¬†& I’m not sure whether that is very sensible – Hey but who wants to be sensible?

I really, really, really want to work in the field of journalism but don’t want to give up on ‘Fulfilling Life’ (my business) so here lies my dilemma………………….

I have been thinking about trying to get a regular magazine or newspaper column, where I could continue to act as a motivator, but ¬†through a series of blog type articles, ¬†maybe helping with readers problems as well. It would seem to have everything that I have ever wanted all rolled into one! ¬† This brings up many insecurities. ¬† First ¬†& foremost I guess would be the obvious question of whether I am good enough? ¬†Could I hold write interesting articles & keep readers interest on a regular basis? ¬†Am I knowledgeable enough to put my views out there, for all the world to see & judge me? ¬† ¬†Another question is that of pride – I have advertised my new venture extensively & had so many good wishes that I would feel a failure if I gave it all up now. ¬† Of course the simple answer to that is that it shouldn’t make a jot of difference what people thought about my life choices, ¬†I tell people this all the time! ¬† It has taken me a long time to cultivate my confidence, something that has totally changed my life, so why am I having a bit of a wobble in case people think I’m taking the easy way out? ¬† The saddest part is that I know the answers to these questions but I am procrastinating – something I rarely do. ¬†I need to put my trust in the Universe, write my pitches & see what happens, so why isn’t it that easy?

I think if I’m honest with myself, the fact is that because I am so happy with my life, I’m worried about rocking the apple cart! ¬† It’s not about getting rich, or about becoming well known, ¬†or getting praise, ¬†it’s just that I feel that I have so much to give & want to find the best forum to do it. ¬† I have had many different ideas but my physical health limits me in what I can practically do. I have severe widespread pain, predominantly through Fibromyalgia, and ¬†have other issues too, which prevents me walking very far or for very long. I also have eyesight difficulties & some cognitive & balance problems ¬†but for far ¬†too ¬†long I allowed my disability to dictate what I could & couldn’t do. Now ¬†I do the exact opposite, ¬†I push myself far too far to prove that I won’t be stopped. ¬†This of course is a stupid way of doing things as my bedridden days prove!

¬†So why am I unable to settle for what I already have? ¬† ¬†EASY! ¬† ¬†Because I am human! ¬† Just like the people that I help, I feel uncertain at times, and don’t know what to do, but ¬†as I would say to them, ¬†

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†” trust yourself, ¬† listen to your inner wisdom, ¬† it will never lie to you or let you down”. ¬†

¬†I believe in those words. ¬† ¬†They have ¬†just worked for me too. ¬† I listened, ¬†like an outsider, ¬† to myself as I wrote it down ¬†& then was hit across the head by a huge sledgehammer, or more likely a feather, of realisation. ¬† I must stop doubting myself. ¬† We get back what we put out to the Universe. ¬†If I send out negative vibes, I can’t expect positive resolutions ! ¬† ¬†I will begin to research my markets, ¬†I will ¬†write my letters to pitch for work. I will put my faith & ¬†trust that the right thing for me will come about. ¬† ¬†Whatever the outcome, I will be grateful. ¬† ¬†It seems so obvious now!

Thankyou for giving me space to waffle & work things out. I don’t know if any of this will resonate with you ¬† but it has certainly been helpful to me. ¬†So in gratitude I will say goodnight X

Keep on blogging,  keep on laughing,  keep on loving,

Rosie xx

Praise where it is due

like so many people, I always had difficulty in accepting praise, I’d mumble something about not being very good, or else rather than embarrassing myself by blushing, I’d make a joke, or make fun of myself.
I’d been brought up not to show pride in myself or my achievements. Pride is on par with lust, gluttony or avarice ( although to be honest, I never truthfully understood quite what avarice was.) I grew up believing that it was wrong to be pleased with myself – so inevitably I stopped showing my talents – became a mediocre nobody.
I hated having the spotlight on me, even to the extreme! One painful memory involved winning the first prize in a theatre draw. I was mortified! I begged my Father not to make me collect the prize, but I was ritually marched through the theatre towards the stage. I could feel myself burning up, tears pricking at my eyes as I made my way past all of the envious spectators. Why Me? I didn’t deserve to win, I didn’t even want the prize! Surely everyone must believe that I’d cheated? Why Oh why did it have to be me?
I’ve never forgotten that day. It acted as a blueprint for the rest of my life. I would never claim any further prizes, even at Bingo ( which I hated then & now) if I noticed hat I was close to a full house, or winning line, I stopped crossing off any more numbers. I couldn’t bear the humiliation of having everyone stare at me.
I stopped doing the Lottery because I dreaded winning a fortune but not being able to claim it!
Bizarrely though I felt comfortable being on stage, be it as an actor, dancer or singer, I guess that it felt safe because I was playing a part – it wasn’t really me that everyone was staring at. I wasn’t there, I’d stepped back to allow the ‘other me’ to take front stage, I was invisible. Safe.

How different things are now!

Since living alone, since finding out who I really am, I’ve come to understand that there is no shame in being proud of my achievements. I have no need to be embarrased when someone offers praise.¬†¬† I’m only an ordinary person but like everyone else – I am unique. You are unique, we all are & we all have positive attributes as well as weaknesses. I am learning to feel quietly proud when praised & now am able to say a simple “thankyou”.

Recently, in a moment of madness I decided to do something positive, to show gratitude for the abundance that the Universe has bestowed on me.¬†¬† My health was reasonably stable so I took part in Care Internationals’ campaign ” Walk in Her Shoes”, which involved walking 10,000 steps a day, every day for a week. This was to represent the distance that Women & girls in the poorest parts of Africa need to walk daily, just to fetch water.

Although the daily distance wasn’t huge ( approx 5 miles) for a fibromyalgia & angina sufferer who was usually only able to totter for a few steps before collapsing in pain, this was way, way out of my comfort zone!¬†¬†¬† However the cause is very important to me, so I duly proceeded to train myself to walk, with the aid of my pusher, a few metres more each day.

Naturally for this to be a success I needed to gain lots of sponsorship, but as I haven’t lived here for very long, I didn’t have a lot of people that I could call on to support me.¬† Therefore I decided to enlist the help of the local newspaper to highlight my endevours.¬†¬†¬† I wrote a letter, hoping that part of it would be published, what I hadn’t expected was to have¬†an entire article¬†and a full length photo of myself published!¬† Not much chance of anonimity anymore.

At first I was dreadfully embarrased, but soon realised that I needed to embrace this publicity if I wanted to raise awareness of this cause.¬† Good job really because shortly afterwards I was awarded a beautiful bouquet of flowers as that weeks’ most inspirational story.

I soon discovered that being recognised had it’s advantages. I found the courage to ask people to sponsor me & even had my photogragh taken again with my carers’ company, along with a very decent sponsorship.

I began keeping an online account of my training, difficulies & successes, this involved regular updates, photos etc.¬† I admit that I found this quite daunting – taking ‘selfies’ may be the norm these days, but not for me!

By the time the challenge began ( 23rd March 2015) my health had deteriorated but I knew that I needed to carry on РI had invested too much effort & time, besides I needed to do this for ME!  I had to prove to myself that I am able to hold my head up, I am able to succeed!

And succeed I did!

I raised quite a substantial amount of money & although now one month later, I am still suffering from the ill effects of pushing myself too far, I AM PROUD of myself. I did what was seemingly impossible for me, I did it without worrying what other people thought.

This has opened a whole new chapter in my life.¬† Why shouldn’t I continue with this positivity?

I have also realised that I was taught wrongly.¬†¬† Being proud is good in the right situation.¬† I now know that I have the right to create my own life rules, as long as I don’t cause harm to anyone.

I’m no longer that terrified little girl.

It no longer matters if people doubt my motives, as long as I know my intentions are good, why should I justify it to anyone else?

There are millions of people on this Earth, most of them stumbling along trying to find their role in life, many of them apologising for their existence.¬† Hopefully they too will one day realise that it is GOOD to hold your head up & say¬† ” This is me, I’m not perfect but I’m proud to be doing the best that I can”

We’ve all got a role to play, never forget that.

Be unique

Be yourself

Be happy & proud of who you are.

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till next time, stay strong,

Rosie x