Power is in the air.

Whether you are a believer in natural magic or not, most people accept that the Moon has a huge influence over our lives.
I can always tell when the Moon is nearing full – my inspirations & energy go into overdrive. It’s fantastic but does wreak havoc with my sleep pattern.

People throughout the generations have used the phases of the Moon to decide when the optimum time is to set plans into action, plant seedlings, harvest food & many other things. The Universal energies are intense at the time of the full Moon, so it makes sense to use that time to do things that need a positive boost. Similarly the New Moon is the time to start new plans & ideas.

As I am getting older, this energy force is getting more pronounced. If I’ve been planning something, I know that the full Moon is the time to set things in motion. At the moment I am eager to get my workshop booked, the Moon tells me not to procrastinate, do it now. I trust my intuition. I know when the time is right. Unfortunately I am also a 60+ scatterbrain! I am attempting to get more organised & yes, I am getting there but it’s frustrating when I miss a deadline or appointment because I have so much on my mind.

The bizarre thing is that when I need to focus on a particular subject, I find that I naturally prioritise & almost become a different person.
Rosie the motivational speaker or Rosie the workshop leader is very different from Rosie the shopaholic or chatterer. I think that we all have several personas but are often afraid to allow the other sides of our personalities to shine through. It seems logical that for us to be in total balance, we have to allow all sides of our being to be used.

I used to think that the scatterbrained me was who I was, but I now realise that I was very much mistaken. Initially at any function or meeting, I have 5 minutes of mayhem, once that’s out of my system, I can commit to my given task. In an ideal world I would always choose to arrive early at an event, but I haven’t yet mastered that. When I arrive in a rush, I don’t have time for my energies to settle & am like a whirling dervish. Clients & friends tend to look on, very dubious at the wisdom/ ability of this madwoman. I have been told on many occasions how pleasantly surprised they have been once I settle into my balanced self.

As my T’ai Chi training progresses, I am becoming more capable of finding my inner calm without the whirlwind start, unfortunately I am often running so late that I don’t allow myself the time to get centred.

Ah well. Nobody is perfect. Like most of the human race, I am work in progress. As I previously mentioned, I am getting there, but at times I need to forgive myself for not being more organised. Maybe one dayūüėČ.

Rosie X

Thank you for taking time to read my ramblings.
If you enjoyed it, please ‘like ‘ ‘share’ & follow me.
Getting new followers is very pleasing & helps me to write more regularly.

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The busier my life, the better it gets.

There was a time, not too many years ago when the idea of being busy would have seemed abhorent to me. I had no energy & couldn’t understand those who urged me to do more – how could I? I was ill, depressed, too worn out to care. What did those do-gooders know about my life?

I ignored them.
I stayed stuck in my misery.

Today someone reminded me about a saying that I felt was very apt. I might not get the quote exactly correct but I’m sure you’ll get the gist of it.
Unfortunately I don’t know the author either, but here are the words:

If you always do what you’ve always done, in the same ways as you always done them. You will always get the same results.

Simple words, yet very true.
In those days gone by, I was doing exactly what I shouldn’t. I bemoaned that life was too exhausting, that I felt lethargic, uninspired, lacking in motivation. I wasn’t willing to try any other way. Sure I’d read self help books & listened to those ‘in the know’ but they were talking idealism, not real life. Or so I believed.

As regular subscribers will know, things changed for me quite dramatically. It took a while for the changes in my mind set to really filter through but it seems that the Universe has accepted my genuine desire for change. Life keeps on improving. The point that I’m making here is that things didn’t just fall into my lap. I had to work at it.

So how did I find the energy to do all the things that are making my life so complete? Simple really – I forced myself to put more in! It’s inconceivable that success & happiness will come for no reason. Obviously I had to play my part. I began to do things to help others,I’d always wanted to but hated the idea of being rejected, so was reluctant to offer. I forced myself to challenge that fear & began volunteering, befriending & at first simply trying to be a helpful & considerate neighbour. People expressed gratitude, I felt useful. I needed to do more.
I set my intention to be a good, kind, useful member of society. I asked for guidance. At times the ideals seemed impossible to ever achieve. I was just me, a little old woman with some pretty batty ideas! But something urged me to continue. I volunteered more, did more. I turned off the television. I stopped procrastinating. I began ‘doing’. It still exhausts me yet it’s so intoxicating that I never want to give up.

I fit more in my week than I previously would have done in a year ( or more). Although It makes me so tired, it means that I generally sleep well. I’ve become fitter, calmer & far more ‘balanced’ in every sense. I’ve also learnt to respect my body more. At times the pain rips through my body like a red hot poker, nothing can ease it. At these times I know that going out walking or working would be counter productive, so I remain at home. Here is where the difference comes – yes I’m at home, maybe, like now with my poor aching feet raised high, but I do something to keep my mind from fixating on my pain. I write a lot when I’m in pain, there again I’m regularly in pain! The thing is that keeping busy, having something to focus on, having a reason to force myself to get on with things or to drag myself out to a meeting is good. It’s extremely therapeutic.
All of my time is used usefully, even ‘wasted time’ isn’t really wasted, If my body needs to sleep, I sleep. If I need to relax, I do so mindfully or use meditation. I no longer force myself to fit into a schedule of what I feel that I have to do, I do things because I want to. I get so many rewards from helping others (emotional, not financial) I love seeing people happy, the work is it’s own reward. I enjoy everything about my life now, even the niggling annoyances of general life serve a purpose. There is positivity in absolutely everything, even though we can’t always see it at the time. If we are open to accept the good things that are offered, they will come, rarely in the form or way that had been anticipated but good things will come in abundance. At times I feel overwhelmed by the gifts that the Universe has showered on me, but I accept graciously & genuinely knowing that it is reward for what I do for others. I feel gratitude for these opportunities. The embarrassing part is that simply enjoying everything is reward enough.
I do things because I can. I can do things because I work at it. I work at it because I enjoy it. I enjoy it because I’m doing what I love & love what I do.

Wow! I’ve just surprised myself by what I’ve written. It’s late at night, I have a busy day tomorrow & a kitchen that looks like there’s been an earthquake in there but it doesn’t matter. I will sleep well & in the morning I will deal with what needs to be done. If that means the housework stays undone – does it really matter? Having a sparkling kitchen or smiling people? No contest!

This has been a bit of a ramble tonight. I hadn’t intended to write anything so it has all tumbled out, totally unplanned. I hope that you can follow my line of thought.

Until next time, look after yourselves & those around you.
Be happy,

Rosie X

If you have enjoyed this blog, please ‘like’, ‘share’ and ‘follow’. Tell your friends about it. Let’s see if we can get this blog a wider audience. Not for glory, not for egotism, simply to share my love of life & gratitude to have been given the chance to make a difference, no matter how small.
Imagine how good this world would be if everyone tried giving instead of taking?
Bye for now X

I only need prove to myself.

Recently I have questioned myself about where my confidence has come from & why I keep setting myself challenges. I’m not totally sure of the answer but am so thankful that I feel this way.

Today two people were teasing me about my forthcoming charity abseil, saying that I was proving something to everyone else. They couldn’t have been more wrong.
Of course it will be great to show the world that I can do it – me, little old age pensioner me! Naturally I hope that my children will be very proud of me but ultimately I’m doing the challenge for two very different reasons. The first being that I want to raise money for SOS Africa, as the plight of the people there is abhorrent. I’ve raised funds for the Country in a few ways but this is definitely the biggest that I’ve done.

I had hoped to volunteer in Ghana this October, teaching young children in the poorest parts of the area. It probably wouldn’t have helped very much but at least I would have tried. Unfortunately common sense has stopped me from going.

My health is very variable & I can have a bad spell without warning. Over there I would have been pushing myself to keep going, which is really asking for trouble. If I had become ill, I would have become a burden on the host family which would have been dreadful for them. I realised that going over there alone, with my health issues was being selfish.

I wanted to go. I wanted to do it. I wanted to be of help.
Sometimes however it’s more important to see the bigger picture.

There’s such a lot that I would like to do before this life ends. I wasted so many years through having agoraphobia that my choices are now limited. My teenage years weren’t filled with mad stunts,I was too busy being a Mum. I didn’t have the opportunity to explore the world or have exciting experiences, my children took up all of my time. Now so many years later, when many people begin to slow down, I want to experience everything that I am able.
I could save up & maybe in a few years afford a really exotic holiday but the thought leaves me hollow. What I want to experience is something that will enrich my life. Teach me something. I don’t need posh holidays, I’m content with what I do. I want something that money can’t buy me – and that is the inner satisfaction of proving to myself that I have enough trust and faith in the Universe to take these challenges.

I was a cowardly child. A nervous teenager. A troubled young mum & then a very anxious, depressed middle age woman. I was always so needy, incapable of managing anything on my own.

WHAT A WASTE OF LIFE!

Things are very different now.
I want to prove to myself that I have overcome those problems. I have finally discovered the real me & am happy but It doesn’t alter all of the wasted years.
Challenging myself helps me, helping others in the process makes everything even more worthwhile.

I want to embrace life. Celebrate being alive. That’s why I push myself. I could be taking it easy. Instead I fill my life with many diverse things, none of which I could have ever dreamed possible.
So no I’m not doing it for glory or to impress anyone. It’s my way of saying thank you for being alive and capable. I know how fortunate I am to have come through what I did. This is my way of showing gratitude.
I will be doing the abseil at the same time as I had planned to travel to Ghana – one door closed and another one immediately opened. Isn’t that amazing?

I will continue to challenge myself, some things may be trivial, some may not, but I don’t intend to waste any more of my precious time on this earth.

Rosie X

I hope that this has struck a chord with some of you & urge you to make the most of every single day.

Thanks for reading this. Please ‘follow’ & share my blogs, your support means such a lot X

Life keeps getting better

Each time I believe that my life has reached it’s peak, it proves me wrong & something even more wonderful happens.

Despite my reservations I recently set up a free writing group which has been running for a few weeks now. Attendance has been comparatively low which has been disappointing, however I realised that I was sending out the wrong signals to the Universe. I had been doubting my competence, once I dismissed that notion & realised that knowing that I was capable was not an ego trip, things began to change. This week I have had several enquirers from potential new members. Hopefully they will all come but It matters not if they change their minds – I won’t.

Everyday I become more certain of my abilities. I am continually learning new skills. My enthusiasm is growing for the writing group as well as a few other projects that I have in the pipeline.

So many people believe that their life wanes as they age. I don’t believe that it does. What seems to happen is that we need to change our direction as we age. Things that inspired or interested us when we were young lose their appeal or are no longer relevant. Too many people are afraid to let go & hang on to what they used to do/ be good at. This prevents them from learning new skills & finding new interests that would suit them better. There is so much that is out there to learn & experience. Don’t let fear hold you back-
GO FOR IT!ūüėČ

How much had I been missing?

Today has been exceptionally good for me. I haven’t come into money, or met the man of my dreams, nor have I been on an exotic jaunt. No, my days was blessed with simple pleasures.

Despite feeling unwell, a fellow writer dragged herself out to pick me up, enabling me to attend a much enjoyed writing retreat in Frome. I had expected to miss it due to her illness, so being able to attend was terrific. I was able to do quite a significant amount of work, despite us needing to leave early.
I met several new people, hopefully recruiting a few new members for my writing group. I also paid a visit to the cottage that is key to my novel. All in all, an enjoyable morning. But there was much more to come……

The day has been very sunny and warm, too nice to go home, so I uncovered my mega size mobility scooter and headed for one of Wells’ jewels – The Bishops Palace. I was fortunate enough to have been given a membership by a dear friend which allows me free access to the magnificent gardens. I frequently go there to write, especially if I feel a little bogged down with hum-drum life. Today however, I simply wanted to bask in the sun.
I have recently been unwell (hence no blogs)and have become a slight recluse, purely because I didn’t have strength to venture outside. I hadn’t realised how much I had missed it.

I was filled with pleasure from the outset, having chosen to use a bridleway rather than the town centre. I’ve lived here for four years but for some inexplicable reason I had never used this route. Although the road has houses, they are non obtrusive and all the way there are overhanging trees and bushes. I immediately felt at peace. I even noticed the first blackberries of the season, something which, for some reason always excites me.
After a pleasant ride alongside the moat, observing the ducks and almost fully grown cygnets, I enjoyed a glass of elderflower presse, overlooking the palace before entering the gardens. That’s when I felt totally serene.

Leaving my mobility scooter safely inside the grounds, I continued on foot across the stream towards my favourite writing spot. Seating myself down, I tied my scarf around my shorn hair to protect me from the searing heat & settled down to get on with my stories, but was couldn’t. Sipping my water, I closed my eyes and enjoyed feeling the suns rays impregnating my skin. All around people were in good humour, due mainly to the weather I imagine, but I paid very little attention to them. The sounds of nature were speaking far louder. The water flowed, ducks quacked, birds chirped, leaves rustled and bees buzzed, I’m sure that I could even hear the insects scurrying around. It was idyllic.
My mind drifted to a time and place when I lived on Dartmoor, a memory that had become tainted by life problems. A storyline came into my head and as I quickly scribbled it onto paper, I knew that the happy feelings could be recalled. I felt myself smiling like a goon! Bare feet, scarfed head, a batty old woman sitting, grinning to herself but I didn’t care.

I spent a while writing before roughly sketching the scene. A couple of elderly neighbours stopped to exchange pleasantries before wending their way around the grounds. The Cathedral clock chimed. Taking a further sip of water, I realised what was making me so happy.
Life.
Pure and simple.
Life.

I have recently spent quite a while sharing the details of my 17 year battle with crippling agoraphobia. I’ve even had a near full page article about it published. Life is rapidly changing, new opportunities are making themselves known. I’m so enthralled with the fullness of my life, but I still hadn’t truly grasped what had happened previously. For seventeen long, lonely, miserable years I hadn’t spent any time outside. The warm air hadn’t brushed my skin. The breeze hadn’t blown through my (then long) hair. I hadn’t lifted my face to the sun, or heard the calls of the birds. I had been imprisoned through fear, yet it had affected me in ways that I hadn’t considered.

I now understand why it is so vital for me to encourage others to step outside. Face life. Face their demons, their challenges, their fears. No-one should take the elements for granted. It wasn’t just my physical freedom that I gave up – it was all of the years of poetry and song, writing and drawing. It was my potential that I had turned my back on.

I have been so fortunate to have been given another chance. If I could bottle that feeling of sunshine in my heart as well as my body, I would. Can you imagine sharing that with people in despair? Unfortunately I am unable to do that but came home with the knowledge of what I need to do.

I have been toying with the idea of giving motivational talks (not speeches)but have been dismissing it as a flight of fancy. It’s not. I have those feelings inside of me. I can write about them but I can also talk about them. I’m very capable. I KNOW THAT I CAN DO IT. It was the aftermath of the grey existence that was preventing me, causing doubt. The heady influence of the sun has warmed my soul, shone over my path, guiding me on the role that I was kept alive for. I feel so excited. I’m sure that the road won’t be smooth but it doesn’t matter one bit. I have a story to share, an ability to express it.
WOW!
A couple of hours ago I signed with a motivational speakers agency. The Universe won’t send me clients/jobs unless I’m ready. I’ve got no reason to doubt it.
My blessings are bigger than even I can comprehend. Yes I hid from life for so long as a caterpillar, protected in the safety of my chrysalis for the past few years. Now, today I have emerged into the sunshine as a fully fledged butterfly, dried my wings and have taken flight. I will be guided by the breeze of the universe. One thing is certain – I won’t stop until my job is done.
)0(

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that you enjoyed it.
If you did, please ‘share’, post onto your social media pages or even subscribe. I would welcome having you as a follower.
I am aware that my blogs are irregular-something that I shall attempt to rectify. Don’t give up on me. I’m still here, just sometimes a bit side-tracked.
Blessings and love to you all.
Rosie

Day of awareness

My post today is very different. I had a choice of subjects that I wanted to write about, however the following subject grabbed me by the throat & refused to be silenced, so here goes ……….

For the umpteenth time recently, I’m sitting in a pub just a few doors away from my home, simply because I have absolutely no energy to cook myself a meal, so am eating here. I had my day mapped out. I intended to do some housework,a little weeding in the communal garden, clean my goldfish tank & catch up with paperwork, as well as making myself a healthy meal. Things went awry after a friend called & suggested that we go out for a walk as it was such a glorious day. Although I’ve been struggling to stay on my feet as they are dreadfully painful, I decided to ignore the pain & take in the sights & smells of the Jewel in Wells’ crown – the Bishops Palace gardens. It is a fabulous place. I was fortunate enough to be given a membership for my birthday, so am able to visit freely, but typically I don’t go often enough. Today however, I forced myself & am so glad that I did. As my friend is elderly, he was happy to walk slowly, so we strolled around in the sunshine, sitting when needed, enjoyed a cup of tea overlooking the croquet lawn & had a thoroughly enjoyable time. Walking back towards home was less fun, as I was beginning to doubt if I could make it home & of course then I would need to make myself a meal. With the pub in sight, I decided to rest awhile & eat in the hostelry.

As today is part of the bank holiday weekend, as well as such a glorious day, the place was heaving!
I pop in sometimes for a cup of tea, especially if I need a breather before I get home. Usually, because I avoid evenings, it tends to be fairly quiet, but today the noise was at a very high volume. The doors into the garden/ smoking area were open, so there was a cool breeze, which was lovely. I sat by the open door, enjoying the fresh air ( well, tobacco enhanced, but air never the less.)

After ordering my meal, I returned to my table, clutching a diet cola, which is an occasional treat & did as I usually do – I took out my notebook & began to write. Although I have plenty of subjects on he go, I like to use cafes / pubs as a space for observational writing. Noticing the people around me, their behaviour, language, snippets of conversation etc is very interesting & gives me a lot of subject matter, as well as food for thought. Today was no exception.
I find that when I am writing, I’m in a near sound- proofed bubble, although I am aware of the volume, it hardly disturbs me at all.
What does affect me, although not as much as in time gone by, is the smell of alcohol. Drunken people cause me worry, but I think that’s because of my past. I am very conscious of them & give them a wide berth. It’s ironic really, as years ago, I too used to frequently drink far too much & at times could be as drunk as those that I now avoid! This made me think about my own behaviour at that time – did people avoid me too? I dare say that they did, as I have no reason to believe that I was any less obnoxious!
The smell of alcohol, especially beer has the ability to transport me back to those very bleak days, or should I say years? Like so many other people, I didn’t realise what a life destroyer & family breaker it was. Of course I knew the down side, but didn’t really understand until I lived with an alcoholic. No, I’m not a party pooper, most things in moderation are alright, but why have we allowed our society to become so dependant on drinking? A social drink can be undoubtedly pleasurable, but how many people know when they have crossed the line? I was sure that I knew, yet I drank far, far more than was healthy, even worse, I allowed it to destroy much more than my health! Being married to an alcoholic made it easy to excuse my own failings. Between us we allowed our family & finances to suffer. Having one or two drinks inside can make us loosen up & be fun, more than that……?
From a personal point of view, seeing someone that I dearly loved being transformed from a witty, clever man, into a bumbling violent wreck was heartbreaking. His life was being eaten away, simply because he was unable to resist drinking. He was not able to draw a line at which to stop, oblivion was his stopping point! He admitted that he no longer enjoyed the flavour, but would do literally anything to feed his habit. Thankfully My drinking wasn’t an addiction, so when I made the decision to stop, it was incredibly easy for me, but I was very, very fortunate! But for many people, how would they know if they were addicted, unless they tried to stop? Ask most drinkers & they will say that they could easily stop if they wanted to, yet they won’t try.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With this train of thought, I began to notice the behaviour of some of the people sitting nearby. I’m sure that they would hate to read my observations of them – I would have!
Sitting next to me, by the open door into the garden area, there was a group of young women, (maybe in their 20s). They had obviously been enjoying their day & had presumably been drinking for several hours. They were excruciatingly loud & embarrasing – tomorrow they will probably have major hangovers. I can’t tell you how clearly I remember those!!! Their pounding heads & upset stomachs will likely affect their bank holiday plans, so why do they do it? Why did I?
One girl in particular, a very neatly dressed blonde with a beautiful figure was especially mouthy, shouting, swearing & being obstructive when it was time to catch their bus. Screeching, with elegant long legs going everywhere except in a straight line, she was last heard threatening to be sick on the pavement! Classy! Her friends were laughing at her, just as I’m sure mine did to me! One ‘friend’ was even capturing the image on her phone, no doubt sharing it on social media for the world to see. Thank goodness that wasn’t available during my drinking days! I wonder if she has considered the side effect of alcohol on her wonderful complexion & slim figure? I certainly didn’t!

At the table in front of me there was a couple, possibly in their 30s. Already there when I arrived, they seemed to be having a pleasant meal. Over a very short time, aided by several glasses of wine, the woman got progressively louder & louder. Without trying, I overheard many personal things that I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted to share! I learnt where they met, how long they had been together & how much she hates his sister. I even know what her favourite sexual activity is – believe me, I really didn’t want to overhear that! As he went to the bar to top up their drinks, she began the ‘I love you’ phase. I’m sure that most people know how it goes : ‘I really, really love you, do you love me?’ ‘I love you too’ he responds, ‘but I really, really love you, much more than you love me – do you love me?’ “Yes, you know that I do” came the reply. Tearfully now,”Do you love me? Promise? Tell me you love me?” He grumpily responds & walks to the bar. She begins to sob uncontrollably. He returns & their drinks are wasted as he escorts her out of the pub. Their day probably now spoilt too. I remember that conversation myself. I wonder why alcohol brings out our insecurities?

To one side of me was an older couple, grimacing at the chaos a party of young men near to them was causing. They were having a great time, with no consideration of the upset they were causing. Eventually the older couple left, their part eaten meal, a sign that their day was spoilt through no fault of their own.

As I was gathering my belongings, ready to leave, another couple came & sat nearby. She was hanging around his neck, calling him ‘ babe’ every few seconds, alternating with criticising & swearing at him for how he was treating her. His response was to let out a very unbecoming belch! She didn’t seem to notice & was draping herself all over him. A couple of men, presumably his mates began to jeer & egg him on to ‘go for it!’ I was glad to leave! This may be normal behaviour late on a Friday or Saturday night, but this was at 6pm on a Sunday! At a time when there were several families around, it didn’t seem right!

Although now in my 60s I’m not at all straight laced & enjoy a joke & laugh as much as anyone, but I did find the pub visit an eye opener. Not just because of the behaviour of those so obviously inebriated, the main realisation was that although I can say that I was never that bad, I’ve no real way of being sure. Drink numbs us & helps us to have selective memory. I lost my family through alcohol ( not primarily mine, but it played it’s part!) thankfully, now single & teetotal, I am beginning to rebuild bridges with them. I would never try to prevent anyone from drinking, if that is their choice, but I wonder if things would be different if we were able to see ourselves as others see us. Probably not! Youngsters have an excuse, they are just learning, experimenting. It doesn’t make their actions right, or any less annoying but it is understandable. As we get older, it’s very tempting to gloss over our pasts, or burying them in the hope that they will never be unearthed.
Facing our demons, whatever they may be is a very difficult thing to undertake, but a very worthwhile one. Hindsight would be helpful, but not available, all any of us can do is our best with the tools we have. If we use them to try recollection, we can admit, even if only to ourselves, that we made stupid decisions, probably acted atrociously at times, embarrassingly at others. Most of the time they weren’t actually choices as such, we just didn’t think about the consequences of what we were doing.
Tonight, in the pub, seeing reflections of my past was horrible, yet illuminating. I have come through those days & although I can’t rewrite them, I can learn from them & forgive myself. I can move on.
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All of that said, I hope that you all have a lovely weekend. Enjoy the good weather, drink enough water & whatever you do,be kind to yourself, as well as to those you love.

Thanks for reading this, although not my usual style, it feels good to get it out of my system.
I hope that you will ‘follow’ or subscribe to my blog. I love sharing my thoughts with you all.

Love & light

Rosie x

Trust needs to be total.

 

Since I last wrote here, my life has changed considerably. My health continues to improve – not the pain, that is persistent, but a few months ago I took a really major decision – I needed to put my total faith in the Universe. What would be the point of fighting against the inevitable? Over & over I have been ‘told’ in my heart that I need to simplify my life, yet I am also being guided to take on loads more responsibility.

These guided paths have not been at all what I was expecting, or intending to do, but it has been like an avalanche, gathering more & more in it’s inevitable journey towards it’s goal!

As those who have been following me will know, I have been de cluttering for many, many months now. On the surface it would seem like the worst is over but actually it is getting tougher, but more satisfying. This may sound like a total contradiction, but it isn’t really. ¬†When I began to ‘let go’ it was fairly straightforward, anything that had bad or difficult memories was sold or given away & I felt a lot lighter & quite pleased with myself ( in hindsight, being self satisfied was a sign that I had a very long way to go!) ¬† ¬†The next step was to part with things that I liked, but didn’t need, most of these were given away as it felt wrong to gain financially over them. At this point I was also working on letting go of any emotional baggage or ties. I spent a lot of time looking inwardly, then trying to follow what I felt I was being told. ¬†¬†

One word kept being repeated – SIMPLIFY!

I tried to analize where would be the best place to start, I was already de cluttering & trying to spend less, but still that word kept coming!

One night, out of the blue I knew that I needed to simplify everything, literally everything in my life! I wondered how I was going to do this, when I knew.

I had to let go of my illness, my past ambitions, my constant planning improvements, even my dreams & hopes.   I had to let go of trying to control my destiny!     Boy that took faith!

(*I’m unsure what has happened, but two posts seem to have amalgamated, which has made it rather confusing! I will correct it when I am able to unravel the mystery, but until then, please accept my apologies)

To begin I had to distance myself from my own pain & suffering, after all, compared to the life that so many people lead, I have nothing to moan about, yet I still hear myself bemoaning how unwell I feel at times. ¬†I began using Self Reiki rather than relying on anything chemical. To that I added the affirmation ‘I feel great’, but I had to really work on believing it sometimes. ¬†This is something I recommend everybody tries. It is incredibly fulfilling answering a polite question about how I was feeling with a heartfelt smiling ‘brilliant thankyou’, the reactions have been almost totally positive. ¬† ¬†However it was difficult to maintain this belief, while still having a carer, so with a heavy heart, I let her go. ¬† I now take total responsibility for my own life.

During this time a neighbour was very unwell so I began helping her, visiting, phoning, shopping, cooking & probably more importantly, listening. ¬† Sadly she recently died, but despite causing myself pain, exhaustion & inconvenience I had really enjoyed it. ¬†I believe I had made her last weeks easier, but she repaid me in ways that no one could have guessed, she gave me a sense of purpose. ¬†I had always found ¬†being emotional quite difficult, I couldn’t show sentimentality, I always felt too open, it was too risky! ¬†But in helping her, it all felt natural. That was a real lesson in humility, one I hope I will never forget!I no longer feel that I need to dress up at all, or try to impress anyone, I try to be as natural as I can. By letting go of the public face, the genuine me is free to live life to the full. I began doing voluntary work, which I love. I especially love being a helper at a memory clinic. Their ¬† Dementia makes me full incredibly humble. They are watched, escorted, their liberties & identities taken away, but still they smile, laugh, take pleasure in whatever attention they are given, they touch, cuddle, hug & talk as if you have given them everything . Yet what sacrifices have I made? Given up some of my time, yet gained so much reward.

With the realisation that helping others was my biggest satisfaction, I chose to risk absolutely everything & have set up a business as a motivational coach. I am learning to be a life coach, but in the interim I am satisfied with being able to motivate & hopefully inspire people to live their lives to their full potential. I have sunk every last penny into this venture, the pain & exhaustion are beyond words, yet I am honoured to be able to volunteer with my dementia friends as well as putting my total faith into my newfound career.    Of course it is possible that this is just another lesson that I  need to learn, however that is a risk worth taking.

I believe that I am destined to walk a path of humility & service to the world. This business is a step on that path, one in which I can become fulfilled, help others & take responsibility for my life. Any money that I earn, outside what I genuinely need can be used for positive assistance to those in need.
Rosie x

It’s too easy to make excuses!

I have  been having a battle of wills with my inner saboteur.  It needs to stop!

My desire to become an author has taken over so much of my time, that I find myself chasing my own tail. I want to write all of the time. I let life get in the way. I tell myself that I ‘really should be……….’ I add different excuses all of the time! ¬†It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually did the things that I tell myself that ‘I should’. Ironically I have perfected the art of NOT doing any of the important things, I waste time, often I can’t even work out where the time has gone.

Yesterday I settled down to do an important rewrite, ready for a competition. I was exhausted, it was late, but I persevered, typing, rereading, retyping.

Then the message appeared……..

Windows 10 is reconfiguring an important update on your computer. Please save your work or cancel.

I was too busy writing, I thought that It would be alright to finish what I was doing first. ¬†WRONG! ¬† The update completely took over my laptop before I had saved my work. ¬†I convinced myself that it would be safe somewhere. ¬†WRONG! ¬†Finally at 1.30am ¬†the install had completed, I eagerly went to Open Office to check my work – totally gone! Several hours of work wasted! ¬†I’ve tried to convince myself that it obviously wasn’t good enough & that it will be better at the next rewrite. ¬†Do I believe it? ¬†Hmm, not sure.

Unfortunately my solution to this wasted work was to spend 5 hours wandering around the town today, instead of putting my head down & getting on with the job in hand. ¬†Procrastination in the extreme. ¬†I do this sabotage in many different ways, for example I hate having a pile of dirty dishes In the sink, when I want to write. Simple. Wash the dishes! No, I sit down, or maybe do something else rather than do them. I don’t mind cleaning the dishes, so why don’t I just do them? ¬† Another example, I noticed while in town, that my mobile needs charging. That was over 9 hours ago, it still needs charging. I can’t receive calls until it is done, nor can I settle to anything else because I keep telling myself to charge up the phone! ¬†It would take no more that a couple of minutes, ¬†yet rather than do it, I’m writing about not doing it! ¬†For some reason this sums up my way of putting things off. ¬†It really annoys me, yet I continue to do it.

I have been inspired to write this now because I have just read a blog about making excuses for not writing. ¬† Is that what I am doing? ¬†Am I so critical of my ability to create something worthwhile, that I am using the flimsiest of excuses to put off the completion of any of my writing projects? ¬†I know the answer. ¬†I do this a lot. ¬†I have used excuses throughout my life, usually for avoiding something that would take minutes to rectify. ¬†One childhood memory is of trying to avoid cleaning my teeth, or washing my hands. ¬†My Mother would check my toothbrush/ hands for evidence of use. Knowing this, I would go to great lengths to wet the brush, squeeze some paste down the plug hole, ruffle the towel etc, which took me much longer than just doing it! ¬†I was a child then. That was well over half a century ago. I’m still using the same, illogical reasoning towards avoiding tasks. I want to do them, I want to get things done. I want a clear, uncluttered home, allowing me to have clarity of thought yet I still make excuses to myself that prevent me from doing them.

Bizarrely I don’t do this where other people are concerned. If something needs doing for someone else, I do it as soon as possible. Why is it different when helping others? ¬†The answer is that I don’t like to let people down. This seems to suggest that I don’t mind letting myself down! Aren’t I worth more than that?

What can I do to challenge this behaviour?

The answer is so simple – ¬†I just need to do, rather than think about it! ¬†I made a start recently, I installed some to do apps on my phone & iPad, to allow me to keep track of things that I need to do & allow me to prioritise my tasks. ¬†I felt quite pleased with myself. Good start I thought. ¬†Hmm, I now have daily messages telling me about the overdue tasks, I haven’t even ticked off any jobs that I’ve completed!

Now I could use this ineffective idea as an excuse to stop trying. I could delete the app. I could ignore it. ¬†Or……….

I could do something radical – I could actually try again. No excuses, no delaying tactics, I could simply start at the beginning of my list & work through it. Making excuses is a really pointless exercise, something that should have been left behind with childhood. ¬†So I will try again. I won’t give up. I have an incredibly busy life yet could easily make more time if I simply became more organised & got on with the job in hand.

Having got this off my chest, I’m going to have an early-ish night & make a positive start in the morning, after a good nights’ sleep, but first ¬†have to put my phone on charge!!!

bye for now, take care everyone.

Rosie ūüėÄ

 

Too much rushing, not enough doing!

I haven’t written a blog for a while now. Almost everyday I think of things that I’d like to write about, often I even jot down ideas or use my voice recorder ( sometimes reeling off an entire blog ) yet for some reason, I just haven’t had time to actually sit down & write! ¬† Of course when I say that I haven’t had the time, what I really mean is that I haven’t FOUND the time! ¬†Although not really a procrastinator, I do have an amazing knack of losing time. I could blame one of my conditions, fibromyalgia for it, but although that does play it’s part, it’s not the full story.

So what is the full story?

I could write a comprehensive list with many valid excuses for why I don’t get things done, but that would be avoiding facing the facts. ¬†Isn’t that what too many people do when they don’t want to admit simply being disorganised?

I COULD BE IN THE RUNNING FOR THE CROWN AS Ms DISORGANISED 2016. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I am very good at planning. ¬†I excel when it comes to writing lists. ¬†I have a very sharp memory when it comes to the little details, the things that many people overlook, BUT………………… ¬†When it comes down to getting things done for myself, I’m dreadful! ¬† ¬†Things used to be very different, I could multi- task with the best of them. ¬†I seemed to find hidden hours, where I was able to fit in a near unbelievable amount of tasks, yet still be standing at the end of the day. ¬†I suppose that being retired has a lot to answer for! ¬†When I had children at home, I had to keep to a schedule, I had to provide meals, do the laundry, feed the multitude of pets, as well as the human variety. Housework would be fitted in & around other things but always got done, bills would be dealt with at the appropriate time. ¬†In ¬†other words, I managed. ¬†I agree that it was always a case of organised chaos, but things did get done.

Now? ¬†I have all day to spend as I wish – & that’s the problem! ¬†I rarely set an alarm, I wake, then get up when I want to. ¬†I amble around my flat in my dressing gown while I follow the necessary routine of feeding my cat, cleaning his litter tray, making my breakfast & so on. ¬†Unless I have an appointment, I shower & dress when I feel like it. There is no pressure. There is very little stress. ¬†I don’t have to answer to anyone. ¬†Meals are made & eaten at random times. ¬†As for housework, the less said the better! ¬† ¬† ¬†It’s not that I am lazy, far from it. ¬†I keep myself extremely busy, although I do often question what it is exactly that I do all day. ¬†I don’t watch daytime tv. I don’t languish in bed with a cuppa, or spend hours soaking in the bath. ¬† I don’t spend hours chatting on the phone or even waste my days on social media ( although that has been known to happen) ¬† Basically I potter! ¬†I do a little bit here, a little bit there, always intending to get the essentials out of the way so that I can do what is important to me. ¬† Unfortunately I potter about so much, keeping myself occupied, that by the time I decide to settle down to write or read or paint, I have used up all of my energy!

I know about the importance of keeping to a schedule but it is so difficult to maintain when the only one cracking the whip is yourself! ¬†My doctors are forever telling me about taking care of my health, how important it is for me to pace myself. They don’t seem to grasp the fact that to be able to pace yourself, you first of all need to start! ¬† Occasionally I wake early, get out of bed immediately, have myself & cat up & organised by 7am. ¬†I love those days! ¬† I have always been a morning ¬†person, preferring to be up with the dawn chorus, it’s such a wonderful, fresh time of the day but over the past year or so, I find myself still up & fully awake at 3 or 4am. I frequently can be found cleaning the kitchen or defrosting the freezer at midnight. ¬†Unfortunately the early hours of the morning are my creative times, in the stillness of the night is when I am filled with inspiration, when I want to write. ¬†I have tried setting myself a writing schedule, it all looks great on paper, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. ¬†I know that I could become more disciplined, ¬†but I have had a lifetime of that, now is my ‘me’ time. ¬†However there is so much that I want to do, that I end up doing none of them.

On my fridge I have a slogan that reads ” Always be calmly active & actively calm” I agree wholeheartedly, yet I seem to rush around like a headless chicken ( bad expression for a vegan to use!) ¬†I have been actively decluttering for well over a year now, yet I am getting more & more obsessed by it. ¬†I turn out drawers to clear out the unwanted things that ¬†were kept ‘in case they might come in handy one day’. I now have several empty drawers, yet piles of larger item still scattered around my home, just waiting to go to the charity shop & even more small items waiting to leap into the empty drawers.

Maybe I should give up, shove everything out of sight & blame my illnesses?

Or of course there is a really radical solution. ¬†I could stop worrying about why I don’t find enough to spare time and just actually CHANGE MY MINDSET. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Time spent worrying, is always time wasted. ¬†Instead of saying that I am disorganised, I could become organised. It is time for me to take personal responsibility for my chaos. ¬† I would tell friends to use positive affirmations, I know how well they can work.

So I will start here & now.

” I have no need to rush, I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely.”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

Now I shall go into the kitchen, make a chamomile tea & get an early night. I have a whole new regime to get up early for!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thankyou for persevering to the end of my waffle. ¬†Maybe one or two of you might find following a similar train of thought useful. ¬†Apparently it would seem that you don’t need to be a procrastinator to procrastinate!

love & light to one & all,

Rosie x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

at planning

Time for a rethink?

I attend a writing course & am becoming more & more hooked on it. ¬†I am writing mainly short stories & poetry but still it isn’t enough. I don’t feel that I am ready to tackle a novel yet, although am playing with ideas on a semi autobiographical book, time will tell.

As I have previously said, ¬†I have set up as a motivational coach which is still in it’s formative stages. ¬†I get huge satisfaction in helping other people & have an overwhelming desire to put my crap life experience to good use, ¬†however a new idea has crept into my head ¬†& refuses to go away! ¬† This in itself is very typical of me, ¬†I regularly chop & change things , I couldn’t bear to be stuck in a rut! ¬†However my idea could entail hitting my new business on the head before it’s had time to get established ¬†& I’m not sure whether that is very sensible – Hey but who wants to be sensible?

I really, really, really want to work in the field of journalism but don’t want to give up on ‘Fulfilling Life’ (my business) so here lies my dilemma………………….

I have been thinking about trying to get a regular magazine or newspaper column, where I could continue to act as a motivator, but ¬†through a series of blog type articles, ¬†maybe helping with readers problems as well. It would seem to have everything that I have ever wanted all rolled into one! ¬† This brings up many insecurities. ¬† First ¬†& foremost I guess would be the obvious question of whether I am good enough? ¬†Could I hold write interesting articles & keep readers interest on a regular basis? ¬†Am I knowledgeable enough to put my views out there, for all the world to see & judge me? ¬† ¬†Another question is that of pride – I have advertised my new venture extensively & had so many good wishes that I would feel a failure if I gave it all up now. ¬† Of course the simple answer to that is that it shouldn’t make a jot of difference what people thought about my life choices, ¬†I tell people this all the time! ¬† It has taken me a long time to cultivate my confidence, something that has totally changed my life, so why am I having a bit of a wobble in case people think I’m taking the easy way out? ¬† The saddest part is that I know the answers to these questions but I am procrastinating – something I rarely do. ¬†I need to put my trust in the Universe, write my pitches & see what happens, so why isn’t it that easy?

I think if I’m honest with myself, the fact is that because I am so happy with my life, I’m worried about rocking the apple cart! ¬† It’s not about getting rich, or about becoming well known, ¬†or getting praise, ¬†it’s just that I feel that I have so much to give & want to find the best forum to do it. ¬† I have had many different ideas but my physical health limits me in what I can practically do. I have severe widespread pain, predominantly through Fibromyalgia, and ¬†have other issues too, which prevents me walking very far or for very long. I also have eyesight difficulties & some cognitive & balance problems ¬†but for far ¬†too ¬†long I allowed my disability to dictate what I could & couldn’t do. Now ¬†I do the exact opposite, ¬†I push myself far too far to prove that I won’t be stopped. ¬†This of course is a stupid way of doing things as my bedridden days prove!

¬†So why am I unable to settle for what I already have? ¬† ¬†EASY! ¬† ¬†Because I am human! ¬† Just like the people that I help, I feel uncertain at times, and don’t know what to do, but ¬†as I would say to them, ¬†

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†” trust yourself, ¬† listen to your inner wisdom, ¬† it will never lie to you or let you down”. ¬†

¬†I believe in those words. ¬† ¬†They have ¬†just worked for me too. ¬† I listened, ¬†like an outsider, ¬† to myself as I wrote it down ¬†& then was hit across the head by a huge sledgehammer, or more likely a feather, of realisation. ¬† I must stop doubting myself. ¬† We get back what we put out to the Universe. ¬†If I send out negative vibes, I can’t expect positive resolutions ! ¬† ¬†I will begin to research my markets, ¬†I will ¬†write my letters to pitch for work. I will put my faith & ¬†trust that the right thing for me will come about. ¬† ¬†Whatever the outcome, I will be grateful. ¬† ¬†It seems so obvious now!

Thankyou for giving me space to waffle & work things out. I don’t know if any of this will resonate with you ¬† but it has certainly been helpful to me. ¬†So in gratitude I will say goodnight X

Keep on blogging,  keep on laughing,  keep on loving,

Rosie xx