The busier my life, the better it gets.

There was a time, not too many years ago when the idea of being busy would have seemed abhorent to me. I had no energy & couldn’t understand those who urged me to do more – how could I? I was ill, depressed, too worn out to care. What did those do-gooders know about my life?

I ignored them.
I stayed stuck in my misery.

Today someone reminded me about a saying that I felt was very apt. I might not get the quote exactly correct but I’m sure you’ll get the gist of it.
Unfortunately I don’t know the author either, but here are the words:

If you always do what you’ve always done, in the same ways as you always done them. You will always get the same results.

Simple words, yet very true.
In those days gone by, I was doing exactly what I shouldn’t. I bemoaned that life was too exhausting, that I felt lethargic, uninspired, lacking in motivation. I wasn’t willing to try any other way. Sure I’d read self help books & listened to those ‘in the know’ but they were talking idealism, not real life. Or so I believed.

As regular subscribers will know, things changed for me quite dramatically. It took a while for the changes in my mind set to really filter through but it seems that the Universe has accepted my genuine desire for change. Life keeps on improving. The point that I’m making here is that things didn’t just fall into my lap. I had to work at it.

So how did I find the energy to do all the things that are making my life so complete? Simple really – I forced myself to put more in! It’s inconceivable that success & happiness will come for no reason. Obviously I had to play my part. I began to do things to help others,I’d always wanted to but hated the idea of being rejected, so was reluctant to offer. I forced myself to challenge that fear & began volunteering, befriending & at first simply trying to be a helpful & considerate neighbour. People expressed gratitude, I felt useful. I needed to do more.
I set my intention to be a good, kind, useful member of society. I asked for guidance. At times the ideals seemed impossible to ever achieve. I was just me, a little old woman with some pretty batty ideas! But something urged me to continue. I volunteered more, did more. I turned off the television. I stopped procrastinating. I began ‘doing’. It still exhausts me yet it’s so intoxicating that I never want to give up.

I fit more in my week than I previously would have done in a year ( or more). Although It makes me so tired, it means that I generally sleep well. I’ve become fitter, calmer & far more ‘balanced’ in every sense. I’ve also learnt to respect my body more. At times the pain rips through my body like a red hot poker, nothing can ease it. At these times I know that going out walking or working would be counter productive, so I remain at home. Here is where the difference comes – yes I’m at home, maybe, like now with my poor aching feet raised high, but I do something to keep my mind from fixating on my pain. I write a lot when I’m in pain, there again I’m regularly in pain! The thing is that keeping busy, having something to focus on, having a reason to force myself to get on with things or to drag myself out to a meeting is good. It’s extremely therapeutic.
All of my time is used usefully, even ‘wasted time’ isn’t really wasted, If my body needs to sleep, I sleep. If I need to relax, I do so mindfully or use meditation. I no longer force myself to fit into a schedule of what I feel that I have to do, I do things because I want to. I get so many rewards from helping others (emotional, not financial) I love seeing people happy, the work is it’s own reward. I enjoy everything about my life now, even the niggling annoyances of general life serve a purpose. There is positivity in absolutely everything, even though we can’t always see it at the time. If we are open to accept the good things that are offered, they will come, rarely in the form or way that had been anticipated but good things will come in abundance. At times I feel overwhelmed by the gifts that the Universe has showered on me, but I accept graciously & genuinely knowing that it is reward for what I do for others. I feel gratitude for these opportunities. The embarrassing part is that simply enjoying everything is reward enough.
I do things because I can. I can do things because I work at it. I work at it because I enjoy it. I enjoy it because I’m doing what I love & love what I do.

Wow! I’ve just surprised myself by what I’ve written. It’s late at night, I have a busy day tomorrow & a kitchen that looks like there’s been an earthquake in there but it doesn’t matter. I will sleep well & in the morning I will deal with what needs to be done. If that means the housework stays undone – does it really matter? Having a sparkling kitchen or smiling people? No contest!

This has been a bit of a ramble tonight. I hadn’t intended to write anything so it has all tumbled out, totally unplanned. I hope that you can follow my line of thought.

Until next time, look after yourselves & those around you.
Be happy,

Rosie X

If you have enjoyed this blog, please ‘like’, ‘share’ and ‘follow’. Tell your friends about it. Let’s see if we can get this blog a wider audience. Not for glory, not for egotism, simply to share my love of life & gratitude to have been given the chance to make a difference, no matter how small.
Imagine how good this world would be if everyone tried giving instead of taking?
Bye for now X

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Life keeps getting better

Each time I believe that my life has reached it’s peak, it proves me wrong & something even more wonderful happens.

Despite my reservations I recently set up a free writing group which has been running for a few weeks now. Attendance has been comparatively low which has been disappointing, however I realised that I was sending out the wrong signals to the Universe. I had been doubting my competence, once I dismissed that notion & realised that knowing that I was capable was not an ego trip, things began to change. This week I have had several enquirers from potential new members. Hopefully they will all come but It matters not if they change their minds – I won’t.

Everyday I become more certain of my abilities. I am continually learning new skills. My enthusiasm is growing for the writing group as well as a few other projects that I have in the pipeline.

So many people believe that their life wanes as they age. I don’t believe that it does. What seems to happen is that we need to change our direction as we age. Things that inspired or interested us when we were young lose their appeal or are no longer relevant. Too many people are afraid to let go & hang on to what they used to do/ be good at. This prevents them from learning new skills & finding new interests that would suit them better. There is so much that is out there to learn & experience. Don’t let fear hold you back-
GO FOR IT!ūüėČ

How much had I been missing?

Today has been exceptionally good for me. I haven’t come into money, or met the man of my dreams, nor have I been on an exotic jaunt. No, my days was blessed with simple pleasures.

Despite feeling unwell, a fellow writer dragged herself out to pick me up, enabling me to attend a much enjoyed writing retreat in Frome. I had expected to miss it due to her illness, so being able to attend was terrific. I was able to do quite a significant amount of work, despite us needing to leave early.
I met several new people, hopefully recruiting a few new members for my writing group. I also paid a visit to the cottage that is key to my novel. All in all, an enjoyable morning. But there was much more to come……

The day has been very sunny and warm, too nice to go home, so I uncovered my mega size mobility scooter and headed for one of Wells’ jewels – The Bishops Palace. I was fortunate enough to have been given a membership by a dear friend which allows me free access to the magnificent gardens. I frequently go there to write, especially if I feel a little bogged down with hum-drum life. Today however, I simply wanted to bask in the sun.
I have recently been unwell (hence no blogs)and have become a slight recluse, purely because I didn’t have strength to venture outside. I hadn’t realised how much I had missed it.

I was filled with pleasure from the outset, having chosen to use a bridleway rather than the town centre. I’ve lived here for four years but for some inexplicable reason I had never used this route. Although the road has houses, they are non obtrusive and all the way there are overhanging trees and bushes. I immediately felt at peace. I even noticed the first blackberries of the season, something which, for some reason always excites me.
After a pleasant ride alongside the moat, observing the ducks and almost fully grown cygnets, I enjoyed a glass of elderflower presse, overlooking the palace before entering the gardens. That’s when I felt totally serene.

Leaving my mobility scooter safely inside the grounds, I continued on foot across the stream towards my favourite writing spot. Seating myself down, I tied my scarf around my shorn hair to protect me from the searing heat & settled down to get on with my stories, but was couldn’t. Sipping my water, I closed my eyes and enjoyed feeling the suns rays impregnating my skin. All around people were in good humour, due mainly to the weather I imagine, but I paid very little attention to them. The sounds of nature were speaking far louder. The water flowed, ducks quacked, birds chirped, leaves rustled and bees buzzed, I’m sure that I could even hear the insects scurrying around. It was idyllic.
My mind drifted to a time and place when I lived on Dartmoor, a memory that had become tainted by life problems. A storyline came into my head and as I quickly scribbled it onto paper, I knew that the happy feelings could be recalled. I felt myself smiling like a goon! Bare feet, scarfed head, a batty old woman sitting, grinning to herself but I didn’t care.

I spent a while writing before roughly sketching the scene. A couple of elderly neighbours stopped to exchange pleasantries before wending their way around the grounds. The Cathedral clock chimed. Taking a further sip of water, I realised what was making me so happy.
Life.
Pure and simple.
Life.

I have recently spent quite a while sharing the details of my 17 year battle with crippling agoraphobia. I’ve even had a near full page article about it published. Life is rapidly changing, new opportunities are making themselves known. I’m so enthralled with the fullness of my life, but I still hadn’t truly grasped what had happened previously. For seventeen long, lonely, miserable years I hadn’t spent any time outside. The warm air hadn’t brushed my skin. The breeze hadn’t blown through my (then long) hair. I hadn’t lifted my face to the sun, or heard the calls of the birds. I had been imprisoned through fear, yet it had affected me in ways that I hadn’t considered.

I now understand why it is so vital for me to encourage others to step outside. Face life. Face their demons, their challenges, their fears. No-one should take the elements for granted. It wasn’t just my physical freedom that I gave up – it was all of the years of poetry and song, writing and drawing. It was my potential that I had turned my back on.

I have been so fortunate to have been given another chance. If I could bottle that feeling of sunshine in my heart as well as my body, I would. Can you imagine sharing that with people in despair? Unfortunately I am unable to do that but came home with the knowledge of what I need to do.

I have been toying with the idea of giving motivational talks (not speeches)but have been dismissing it as a flight of fancy. It’s not. I have those feelings inside of me. I can write about them but I can also talk about them. I’m very capable. I KNOW THAT I CAN DO IT. It was the aftermath of the grey existence that was preventing me, causing doubt. The heady influence of the sun has warmed my soul, shone over my path, guiding me on the role that I was kept alive for. I feel so excited. I’m sure that the road won’t be smooth but it doesn’t matter one bit. I have a story to share, an ability to express it.
WOW!
A couple of hours ago I signed with a motivational speakers agency. The Universe won’t send me clients/jobs unless I’m ready. I’ve got no reason to doubt it.
My blessings are bigger than even I can comprehend. Yes I hid from life for so long as a caterpillar, protected in the safety of my chrysalis for the past few years. Now, today I have emerged into the sunshine as a fully fledged butterfly, dried my wings and have taken flight. I will be guided by the breeze of the universe. One thing is certain – I won’t stop until my job is done.
)0(

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that you enjoyed it.
If you did, please ‘share’, post onto your social media pages or even subscribe. I would welcome having you as a follower.
I am aware that my blogs are irregular-something that I shall attempt to rectify. Don’t give up on me. I’m still here, just sometimes a bit side-tracked.
Blessings and love to you all.
Rosie

When life gets in the way!

Having just come across this from last year, I felt that it was worth reposting. It has helped me to reread it. The decluttering is still ongoing………..

Recently I have been getting more & more bogged down with the practicalities of life. I’ve never been an organised person ( main reason for not blogging regularly.)I promise myself that I will become much more organised, spend hours sorting paperwork into files, boxes & drawers, then realise that I have no idea where everything is so neatly tidied away, causing a mad panic when I need to find something!

This has set me thinking about why I find it so difficult. The main reason is blatantly obvious – I’ve spent my life surrounded by clutter! My Mother loved clutter, 5 children attracted it like a magnet, poverty caused me to save everything & has been a difficult habit to break! The bizarre thing is that I hate living in such chaos! So why do I still do it?

I realised quite a while ago, that I found clutter comforting, because what I had on show was mine & it was a form of security. *(see one of my first blogs, where I talked about needing everything on show.) Once I felt more secure, I was able to begin the very long task of decluttering & letting things go. As regular subscribers will know, this has been an extremely long process & one that I mention regularly. I suppose it shows a) the amount of clutter I’d accumulated & b) the thorough job that I’m doing. I’m extremely delighted with my progress, my home feels far lighter & less oppressive, which in turn has made space to attract new positive energies, all in all, a win-win situation. However I think that there is more to my chaotic lifestyle, than simply clutter, but what?

Having an over active mind doesn’t help, because I find doing one thing at a time virtually impossible. I can be happily cleaning the kitchen, take something into the bedroom, forget the kitchen & begin sorting clothes, take washing into the bathroom & start cleaning the bath! (All the while, storylines, plots & characters are running around in my head, vying for attention!) If I’m not very strict with myself, I’ll just end up writing!
My bathroom needed clearing,being the place of cleansing my body, it made sense for it to be tidier to enable me to cleanse my mind more easily too. I looked around & realised the enormity of my bottles & jars collection. I am aware that many women have huge selections of potions & lotions, however I don’t use most of mine, they just sit there, gathering dust, filling every shelf. My mind immediately slipped back to my childhood, where I remember my parents arguing over my Mothers similar collection. Dad insisted that She get rid of them, which she obediently did. She was upset about it, but never filled the bathroom with anymore. I wonder if deep down, I’ve been following in her footsteps, keeping them to prove that I can!

I think that a psychologist would probably have a field day, untangling why I do what I do! However,the time has come for action, so I have now got rid of many of the unneeded bottles & have donated several beautiful perfume bottles to charity, which have raised quite a few pounds.

I think that this has been an important breakthrough for me. I’m not being forced to get rid of anything, I’m doing it out of choice, my choice -I am no longer allowing myself to be dictated to, or controlled by anyone else. When I give things to charity & they get a good price, I’m delighted. There’s no feeling of upset – it’s really freeing.
Occasionally I slip backwards, dwell in the past & relive the hurt.Thankfully I’m now strong enough to recognise it & pull myself back into the present. I’ve signed up for an online mindfulness course, which is due to begin shortly ( see Future Learn, for free courses) I’ve done a bit of mindfulness previously but have decided that a deeper understanding of these techniques will help me. I hope that they will enable me to focus more on the job in hand, not get so easily distracted & maybe manage my time more effectively. I’ve yet to understand why I’m not able to do so much more,since there are 24 hours in every day!

I am absolutely determined to become more organised, maybe even more tidy, (although I think that may be wishful thinking!) But I have a reason to overcome this chaos,partly because I want to be able to dedicate more time to my writing & it’s difficult to feel creative if I’m worrying about where I put something !!! But more importantly, because I actually want to!

A friend recently commented how nice my home is looking & feeling( she was diplomatic about the untidiness) this has spurred me on. Tommorow I am reluctantly rehoming my tropical fish & their large aquarium. I’ll be sad to see them go, but they are a lot of work to keep clean & it’s difficult for me to manage and realistically the tank is far too large for my room. It’s just another step along this enlightening journey.

For any of us to change, we need to make changes. It can’t happen by itself. We need to be willing participants. Saying goodbye needn’t always be difficult. Rather than losing something, or someone, you are simply freeing yourself to move on to the next chapter. Everything is transient, nothing stays the same forever. I refuse to be stuck in any form of rut anymore. I wasn’t ready before, now I am! I’m saying goodbye to this chaos!

I wish you all love & contentment.

Rosie x

Refinding the feel good factor

Last weekend, while I was discussing the viability of a vulnerable friend volunteering in a local charity shop, I did something that surprised myself!

The charity shop in question was unable to accept my friend, as they had no vacancies in their sorting room ( my friend is uncomfortable around people.) Me being me, a conversation ¬†ensued, with the Manageress explaining how they were in need of till staff. ¬†I heard myself asking if they would consider taking me on!!! ¬†I certainly hadn’t had any intention of volunteering there, especially as my role has been as a flexercise leader with older people. I recently had to withdraw from my voluntary job, as it had become too physically challenging for me , which really upset me. I’ve been trying to decide what to do, I like feeling useful but my health has to be taken into consideration. ¬†Hence the reason why my offering my services that day had taken me so much by surprise.

As a total believer in following where the Universe leads me, I realised that this had happened for a reason, so duly filled out the application forms before self doubt got the better of me. I should mention that this shop is one of the busiest in our City, so it would be anything but a quiet job!

At 12.30 today I got a call to ask if I was able to start this afternoon -at 1pm, as somebody had called in sick. Talk about shock! ¬†It was actually wonderful, I didn’t have chance to doubt myself, or my abilities. ¬†I am very aware that I can be clumsy, forgetful & tongue-tied, yet my head told me that I was more than capable. Most of my self doubt has been cultivated through years of depression & anxiety, now thankfully long conquered.

Newly found confidence allowed me to say that I would be a little late, as I needed to have lunch first, which I did. Then without panic or fear, I headed to town. There was no hesitation, I entered the shop, telling myself that I am as capable as anyone else. And I think that I proved it!

It was a really enjoyable afternoon. The staff were welcoming & after introducing me to the wonders of the kitchen & toilet ( vital!) I was left with an experienced volunteer. Thankfully the shop was quiet at first, although got manic later. I have been allowed to take things at my own pace , so haven’t yet used the touch screen till or taken credit cards, but it isn’t much different than using a touch screen computer. I loved it! I am a people person anyway & found a natural affinity with the shoppers, finding it so easy to chat naturally with them all. I was surprised that I managed to sell several of the more expensive items in the locked cabinet – I didn’t really try! ¬†Our sales figure was good, the Manageress was delighted & I felt like I’d been working there for ages!

Where were the nerves? ¬†It was great because I was able to remain seated between customers, so didn’t get too exhausted, met several friends that I hadn’t seen for ages & shockingly wasn’t tempted to buy anything myself! Absolute Win, Win!

I am so glad that I followed where I was being guided & trusted enough, not to try & talk myself out of it. ¬†I have never worked in retail before, although have lots of market & boot sale experience. The job entailed me doing several things that were alien to me, yet there was no mistakes or panic at all! I don’t doubt that mistakes will happen, after all, I’m human, however I can’t wait to go again. Nowadays I am eager to learn new things, life is far too short to shy away from them. 17 years of agoraphobia have taught me that!

The absolutely amazing thing is that all of this, the new courage, the enjoyment of challenges & more, only really came to fruition one year ago when I undertook a sponsored walk for charity. Until then I had always thought that I wasn’t capable. That walk was a catalyst! My life continues to improve day upon day.

Retirement has been the opening up of my life & oh boy am I enjoying it!

Thankyou for sharing my journey,

until next time, take care.

Rosie xūüėä

 

Inspiration is everywhere!

I am frequently asked where I get all of my positivity & inspiration from, the answer is really very simple -in this beautiful, ever changing world of ours, inspiration is literally everywhere!

Far too many people rush around, barely noticing what is going on in the natural world around them. They fail to notice the diversity of trees in their neighbourhood & probably have never even considered the differences between them all. Each Country tends to have it’s own ‘signature’ tree, in Canada a large percentage of people would say ‘Maple’, in England the Oak is synonymous with our countryside – ( can you imagine Britain without it?)¬† However, I wonder how many of us consider the differing attributes of these beautiful features in our landscape?¬† How about the way they move in the¬†wind?¬†¬†¬† The Willow, for example is fexible, graceful with strong sweeping branches that sway & rustle in even the slightest breeze A tree with similar structure but very different characteristics is the tall & slender Silver Birch. Like the willow , it too sways easily, but is extremely hardy & is said to be the first tree that would re-emerge after some form of world devestaion ( although I’m unsure how this could be substantiated!)¬†¬† The Oak just oozes stability. In fact all plants & trees have qualities of their own.¬†¬† People make jokes about tree huggers, but it’s not as bizarre as it sounds.¬† If you are feeling particularly stressed, which tree would you seek solace underneath?¬†¬† Most of us have a favourite.¬†¬† When you consider how long they have lived, what storms they have been through, how widespread their roots & yet they need no special care. They get all that they need from the Earth, Air, Water ( rain) & Fire ( sun).¬† No one teaches them how to grow, or whether they need to drop their leaves in the autumn. Like all living things, they do this automatically.¬† Their knowledge is inbuilt, as is ours, yet we have learnt not to trust our instincts, we rely on ‘facts’, books, tutors & other information sources. Have you ever wondered why?

How does all of the above relate to my search for inspiration?¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† When I have a problem or am looking for something to motivate me, I don’t turn to technology, I normally can find my answers during silent meditation, a stroll around the garden or even just gazing out of my living room window.¬† We all know the answers to our problems, we just need to trust ourselves.¬† Our intuition works on most occasions,¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† (although unfortunately it rarely works for choosing lottery numbers!)¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† How often has an idea/ solution¬†popped into your head, only for you to dismiss it as ridiculous?¬† What if you’d tried it, could it have worked?¬† Quite frequently the answer would be yes.¬† Fear & doubt stopped you, you didn’t want to be considered idiotic or different.¬† You didn’t listen to your inner voice!¬†¬† Of course, unlike trees & plants, we have the ability to use common sense too, which sometimes we need.

I use symbols from the natural world for a lot¬†of my inspirations.¬† If a notice a feather, I may walk past, however if I keep on seeing them, I may ask myself what it could mean. A traditional suggestion could be that a departed loved one is trying to make contact. I see a differing idea – to me, the feather is a sign of lightness of thought, or ideas that already floating around in my head , maybe I just need to pluck that idea from it’s resting place & work with it.¬†¬† If I notice a lot of drooping flowers, despite rain, it may well indicate that I need to take more care of myself, or of someone else.¬†¬† If I notice a single bird flying away from it’s flock – that one is easy – it is a sign that I must follow my heart & not follow everyone else. * Readers of ‘Jonathon Livingstone Seagull’,¬†wonderfully¬†¬†written by Richard Bach will probably understand why! A single sheep, running away from it’s flock, to me means the opposite – it makes me ask myself if I am just being stubborn!¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† ¬† I use similar tactics when deciding whether something is good or bad for me, if something looks bright, healthy¬† & inviting, I’ll eat it, if I really fancy something yet it feels heavy or looks uninviting, then I’ll leave it.¬† Sometimes I surprise myself by trying a food that I’ve always refrained from, simply because it seemed to call me.I haven’t been disappointed once! If I get caught in the rain unexpectedly, maybe I need to consider if I need to clear away negativity. Symbols & signs are everywhere & just like inspiration they are just waiting to be noticed. When I write, I rarely plan anything, I trust that the right words & ideas will spring into life. I allow my inner voice to speak it’s wisdom, which only makes sense to those who need or understand it.

Yes, I’m aware that this all sounds a bit fanciful & weird, but that doesn’t worry me. I’ve learnt to trust my instincts. I don’t need approval or permission, this is my life to live, in the best way that I can. As long as I don’t cause harm to anyone else, then what reason could there be for me to stop? I spent far too many years of my life toeing the line, being unhappily ‘one of the crowd’. I conformed & absolutely hated it. I felt so stifled & unfulfilled. Years later I went to the other extreme & made a point of standing out & being different. I wore dramatic clothes, huge jewellery & wore my hair very wild & long. In it’s own way that was equally unfulfilling – I ended up just playing a part, still not finding a way to express myself.

Things are very, very different now. I write about my emotions, I bare my soul & risk ridicule, but finally I am being myself! I wear my hair short,wear very bright clothes, whether they are suitable for a pensioner is open to debate!¬†I changed from vegetarian to vegan, but in a form that I am happy with. I¬†live a fairly simple, uncomplicated life, don’t drink, smoke or gamble, but don’t feel the need to justify my choices, why would I?¬†¬† I’ve been called a rebel, but I’m not really, I just live my life in the way that seems to work for me.¬†¬† I don’t mind being considered an oddball or eccentric, ultimately¬† I have the last laugh.I have confidence by the bucket load. Very little frightens me. I’ll have a go at most things, does it matter if I fail?

I live a very contented, uncomplicated & stress- free life. I am extremely happy with the way things are going. I now need very little & feel comlete. I rarely get depressed or upset, have a good social life & plenty of friends. What more could I possibly want?

Love & blessings to everyone,

Rosie x

Too much rushing, not enough doing!

I haven’t written a blog for a while now. Almost everyday I think of things that I’d like to write about, often I even jot down ideas or use my voice recorder ( sometimes reeling off an entire blog ) yet for some reason, I just haven’t had time to actually sit down & write! ¬† Of course when I say that I haven’t had the time, what I really mean is that I haven’t FOUND the time! ¬†Although not really a procrastinator, I do have an amazing knack of losing time. I could blame one of my conditions, fibromyalgia for it, but although that does play it’s part, it’s not the full story.

So what is the full story?

I could write a comprehensive list with many valid excuses for why I don’t get things done, but that would be avoiding facing the facts. ¬†Isn’t that what too many people do when they don’t want to admit simply being disorganised?

I COULD BE IN THE RUNNING FOR THE CROWN AS Ms DISORGANISED 2016. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I am very good at planning. ¬†I excel when it comes to writing lists. ¬†I have a very sharp memory when it comes to the little details, the things that many people overlook, BUT………………… ¬†When it comes down to getting things done for myself, I’m dreadful! ¬† ¬†Things used to be very different, I could multi- task with the best of them. ¬†I seemed to find hidden hours, where I was able to fit in a near unbelievable amount of tasks, yet still be standing at the end of the day. ¬†I suppose that being retired has a lot to answer for! ¬†When I had children at home, I had to keep to a schedule, I had to provide meals, do the laundry, feed the multitude of pets, as well as the human variety. Housework would be fitted in & around other things but always got done, bills would be dealt with at the appropriate time. ¬†In ¬†other words, I managed. ¬†I agree that it was always a case of organised chaos, but things did get done.

Now? ¬†I have all day to spend as I wish – & that’s the problem! ¬†I rarely set an alarm, I wake, then get up when I want to. ¬†I amble around my flat in my dressing gown while I follow the necessary routine of feeding my cat, cleaning his litter tray, making my breakfast & so on. ¬†Unless I have an appointment, I shower & dress when I feel like it. There is no pressure. There is very little stress. ¬†I don’t have to answer to anyone. ¬†Meals are made & eaten at random times. ¬†As for housework, the less said the better! ¬† ¬† ¬†It’s not that I am lazy, far from it. ¬†I keep myself extremely busy, although I do often question what it is exactly that I do all day. ¬†I don’t watch daytime tv. I don’t languish in bed with a cuppa, or spend hours soaking in the bath. ¬† I don’t spend hours chatting on the phone or even waste my days on social media ( although that has been known to happen) ¬† Basically I potter! ¬†I do a little bit here, a little bit there, always intending to get the essentials out of the way so that I can do what is important to me. ¬† Unfortunately I potter about so much, keeping myself occupied, that by the time I decide to settle down to write or read or paint, I have used up all of my energy!

I know about the importance of keeping to a schedule but it is so difficult to maintain when the only one cracking the whip is yourself! ¬†My doctors are forever telling me about taking care of my health, how important it is for me to pace myself. They don’t seem to grasp the fact that to be able to pace yourself, you first of all need to start! ¬† Occasionally I wake early, get out of bed immediately, have myself & cat up & organised by 7am. ¬†I love those days! ¬† I have always been a morning ¬†person, preferring to be up with the dawn chorus, it’s such a wonderful, fresh time of the day but over the past year or so, I find myself still up & fully awake at 3 or 4am. I frequently can be found cleaning the kitchen or defrosting the freezer at midnight. ¬†Unfortunately the early hours of the morning are my creative times, in the stillness of the night is when I am filled with inspiration, when I want to write. ¬†I have tried setting myself a writing schedule, it all looks great on paper, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. ¬†I know that I could become more disciplined, ¬†but I have had a lifetime of that, now is my ‘me’ time. ¬†However there is so much that I want to do, that I end up doing none of them.

On my fridge I have a slogan that reads ” Always be calmly active & actively calm” I agree wholeheartedly, yet I seem to rush around like a headless chicken ( bad expression for a vegan to use!) ¬†I have been actively decluttering for well over a year now, yet I am getting more & more obsessed by it. ¬†I turn out drawers to clear out the unwanted things that ¬†were kept ‘in case they might come in handy one day’. I now have several empty drawers, yet piles of larger item still scattered around my home, just waiting to go to the charity shop & even more small items waiting to leap into the empty drawers.

Maybe I should give up, shove everything out of sight & blame my illnesses?

Or of course there is a really radical solution. ¬†I could stop worrying about why I don’t find enough to spare time and just actually CHANGE MY MINDSET. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Time spent worrying, is always time wasted. ¬†Instead of saying that I am disorganised, I could become organised. It is time for me to take personal responsibility for my chaos. ¬† I would tell friends to use positive affirmations, I know how well they can work.

So I will start here & now.

” I have no need to rush, I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely.”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

Now I shall go into the kitchen, make a chamomile tea & get an early night. I have a whole new regime to get up early for!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thankyou for persevering to the end of my waffle. ¬†Maybe one or two of you might find following a similar train of thought useful. ¬†Apparently it would seem that you don’t need to be a procrastinator to procrastinate!

love & light to one & all,

Rosie x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

at planning

Time for a rethink?

I attend a writing course & am becoming more & more hooked on it. ¬†I am writing mainly short stories & poetry but still it isn’t enough. I don’t feel that I am ready to tackle a novel yet, although am playing with ideas on a semi autobiographical book, time will tell.

As I have previously said, ¬†I have set up as a motivational coach which is still in it’s formative stages. ¬†I get huge satisfaction in helping other people & have an overwhelming desire to put my crap life experience to good use, ¬†however a new idea has crept into my head ¬†& refuses to go away! ¬† This in itself is very typical of me, ¬†I regularly chop & change things , I couldn’t bear to be stuck in a rut! ¬†However my idea could entail hitting my new business on the head before it’s had time to get established ¬†& I’m not sure whether that is very sensible – Hey but who wants to be sensible?

I really, really, really want to work in the field of journalism but don’t want to give up on ‘Fulfilling Life’ (my business) so here lies my dilemma………………….

I have been thinking about trying to get a regular magazine or newspaper column, where I could continue to act as a motivator, but ¬†through a series of blog type articles, ¬†maybe helping with readers problems as well. It would seem to have everything that I have ever wanted all rolled into one! ¬† This brings up many insecurities. ¬† First ¬†& foremost I guess would be the obvious question of whether I am good enough? ¬†Could I hold write interesting articles & keep readers interest on a regular basis? ¬†Am I knowledgeable enough to put my views out there, for all the world to see & judge me? ¬† ¬†Another question is that of pride – I have advertised my new venture extensively & had so many good wishes that I would feel a failure if I gave it all up now. ¬† Of course the simple answer to that is that it shouldn’t make a jot of difference what people thought about my life choices, ¬†I tell people this all the time! ¬† It has taken me a long time to cultivate my confidence, something that has totally changed my life, so why am I having a bit of a wobble in case people think I’m taking the easy way out? ¬† The saddest part is that I know the answers to these questions but I am procrastinating – something I rarely do. ¬†I need to put my trust in the Universe, write my pitches & see what happens, so why isn’t it that easy?

I think if I’m honest with myself, the fact is that because I am so happy with my life, I’m worried about rocking the apple cart! ¬† It’s not about getting rich, or about becoming well known, ¬†or getting praise, ¬†it’s just that I feel that I have so much to give & want to find the best forum to do it. ¬† I have had many different ideas but my physical health limits me in what I can practically do. I have severe widespread pain, predominantly through Fibromyalgia, and ¬†have other issues too, which prevents me walking very far or for very long. I also have eyesight difficulties & some cognitive & balance problems ¬†but for far ¬†too ¬†long I allowed my disability to dictate what I could & couldn’t do. Now ¬†I do the exact opposite, ¬†I push myself far too far to prove that I won’t be stopped. ¬†This of course is a stupid way of doing things as my bedridden days prove!

¬†So why am I unable to settle for what I already have? ¬† ¬†EASY! ¬† ¬†Because I am human! ¬† Just like the people that I help, I feel uncertain at times, and don’t know what to do, but ¬†as I would say to them, ¬†

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†” trust yourself, ¬† listen to your inner wisdom, ¬† it will never lie to you or let you down”. ¬†

¬†I believe in those words. ¬† ¬†They have ¬†just worked for me too. ¬† I listened, ¬†like an outsider, ¬† to myself as I wrote it down ¬†& then was hit across the head by a huge sledgehammer, or more likely a feather, of realisation. ¬† I must stop doubting myself. ¬† We get back what we put out to the Universe. ¬†If I send out negative vibes, I can’t expect positive resolutions ! ¬† ¬†I will begin to research my markets, ¬†I will ¬†write my letters to pitch for work. I will put my faith & ¬†trust that the right thing for me will come about. ¬† ¬†Whatever the outcome, I will be grateful. ¬† ¬†It seems so obvious now!

Thankyou for giving me space to waffle & work things out. I don’t know if any of this will resonate with you ¬† but it has certainly been helpful to me. ¬†So in gratitude I will say goodnight X

Keep on blogging,  keep on laughing,  keep on loving,

Rosie xx

Reason to re-evaluate

Recently my health has been a lot worse than usual & I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. This weight loss has been a double edged sword, although totally delighted by the new ‘slim line’ me, deep down I have been concerned because I was sure that there was something very wrong. Eventually I knew that I needed to visit the GP, only to hear what I had expected – that there was a very real chance that I have got cancer……..

Now anyone who knows me well would be able to tell you that death holds no fear for me. In past years I have tried so desperately to bring about my own demise, that I have faced any fears that I may have had. However since I have been able to turn my life around, my outlook has changed. I am still not in the slightest bit worried about dying, but – and it’s a very BIG BUT- I now feel that I have far too much that I want to do before I go, so the possibility of my life being cut short has caused me to re- evaluate how I am living my life, albeit in an unexpected way…….

I try to live my life to the full, still trying to make up for all of the years that I wasted, wallowing in depression and self imposed isolation. I am acutely aware that I cannot make up the 17 years that¬†I ¬†lost through agoraphobia – but I’m certainly trying!

My mind buzzes with ideas & inspirations, to such an extent that I find myself actually wasting my potential, trying to find ways of fitting in more challenges & attempting to¬† cram 30 hours into each & every day,¬†8 days a week!¬† This has the unfortunate effect of actually acheiving far less than I really am able to.¬† Also of course, due to my fibromyalgia, M.E & assorted other health issues, I push myself far too far, with the resulting physical energy crash.¬† It really is stupidity! ¬†So in a way I have a lot to thank this possible ‘big C’ for.¬† Because I have no way of knowing if my time could be cut short, I realise that I need¬† to prioritise (& organise) my use of time.

One of the things that have hit home has been my lack of happy memories, of course there have been some, but most have been over shadowed by bad ones.     Simple things have been foremost in my mind, memories of taking my children blackberry picking, walking on the moor, making cakes & pies by the score!  Kite flying, bulding snowmen, rummaging at jumble sales,taking my goat for a walk and being dragged on my bottom down the hill when he decided he was heading for home! That memory in particular still makes me smile!   As  I said, simple pleasures. Life was hard in those days, there was no money,but there was lots of hope, tomorrow was always going to be a new day. Unfortunately the new day tended to be filled with problems, but I coped because I had my little brood Рmy 5 sons. As long as I had them, I felt safe, fulfilled.   But life moves on, as did my children, my dreams faded, the harshness of life cut like a knife.   For so many years I felt totally at odds with the world, but mostly with myself & my bad life choices.  Maybe there were happy memories, but they have become assigned to the trash can of my mind, some were probably deleted, maybe even unintentionally, but self protection causes us to do strange things!

Nowadays I try very hard to live in the here & now, no longer dwelling in the past recesses of my mind. My possible illness has made me  realise what is important to me -now.

I need fulfillment, I need happy memories to warm my heart if it feels chilly, I need to feel proud of my acheivements, but that will be impossible if I don’t actually do something positive & make steps toward my goals – so I have started.

For too long I have wasted time & money as a reaction to having been controlled previously. I have no real use for money, nor for possessions, but never the less I buy, just for the sake of it, then give it away through guilt at my wastefullness.¬† Well, no more!¬† Okay maybe that’s a bit idealistic – I have promised myself to try to change my ways.

I have a few challenges to myself – I want to write a book, or two, or more..¬† I want to lead others to find happiness,¬†¬†¬† I want to gain qualifications,¬† I want to be able to look at my life & be proud of what I’ve done but to do that, I have to start…………….

To gain new happy memories, I have booked a few short breaks away with a friend and have decided that lack of money, or confidence shouldn’t be a stumbling block.¬†¬† I am going to book onto a short trip to Iceland next year, I’ve no idea who with, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve always wanted to look for the Northern lights, so I¬† am going to go & try. It doesn’t matter if I don’t see them – I’ll know I’ve looked! as far as affording it, well I have plenty of unneeded items that I can sell!

My dream of becoming an author has long bothered me. although writing is a passion, I lack a lot of know how, so yesterday booked onto a creative writing course & a publishing workshop. again I may not ever get published, but I am improving my chances by increasing my knowledge.

Helping lead others has taken an unexpected direction.¬† I always believed that I would earn my reputation through my Tarot card reading, or laterly through healing ( Reiki, Crystal & energy healing are incredibly important to me)¬† But I realise that although these things may happen, my path is through teaching, inspiring & generally making people happy. Because being with vulnerable people gives me a sense of purpose & exercise helps me cope, I have decided to combine both ideals & use my new found skills as a flexercise leader & become an older persons’ party organisor ( mad possibly, but exciting prospect!)

I have also decided to enrole in a Tai Chi tutor course Рsomething I had to give up a while ago when lack of confidence got the better of me! This time I WILL complete it! Even if I never use the skills, I will have the qualification & the choice.     My choice!

Finally & maybe most importantly I have offered¬†to help out at the local community college,volunteering with a group of people with learning difficulties, doing whatever I can to assist them. I need to help others & can’t think of a better way!

As for my diagnosis, I am going to Hospital in a couple of days for tests, but really it is not important.¬† Whatever the outcome, I intend to fill my time doing what I can to improve my life.¬† I don’t need to live my life filled with regrets. Of course there is a lot that I would have preferred not to have happened, but it did, I can’t change that.¬† I can’t even change the future, because it’s not yet here to be able to change, but I can change ME. I can live everyday fully, not punishing myself, being kind to myself, being mindful & aiming to fulfil my dreams & find contentment.

I will shoot my arrows of intent at the targets of my dreams¬† –¬† ¬†& if they fall short of the target?

At least I will have had the courage to try.