Oh what a day

I have always been very much of a morning person, but over recent months I have been finding it a struggle to get started each day.  Fibromyalgia doesn’t help, as one of it’s kind gifts is feeling unrefreshed as if you haven’t slept at all, regardless of how many hours of sleep you’ve actually had.  Apparently it prevents the body from getting into the deep level of sleep that is required – hence fibro sufferers always feel totally washed out.  Unlike many people, I actually have very little trouble with getting to sleep & apart from the inevitable trip(s) to the toilet in the small hours, I sleep fairly soundly. It wasn’t always so. I  used to cope on two hours a night, without any daytime naps either !  I was totally unable to sleep.  I hate using sleeping tablets so read all that I could about sleep deprivation & have implemented a lot of the suggestions that struck a chord with me. Now, as I said, I normally sleep well. Unfortunately this hasn’t helped me wake any more refreshed but I try to get up as soon as I wake, that is until recently!

Yesterday was a really enjoyable day & my head was buzzing with what I had learnt at my writing class so I found myself still writing at silly o’clock , even then having  to force myself to retire.  Finally I crawled into bed, head throbbing from eye strain, legs hardly able to carry me the few paces to my bedroom. I literally fell into bed & went out like a light, stopping just long enough to realise that I didn’t have any commitments today, so I could sleep as long as I needed.

Nobody told my cat!

A couple of hours after collapsing into the world of dreams, Chi ( my cat) decided that it was time to get up.  NO!   After a difference of opinion he accepted that he wasn’t able to win, so we both went back to sleep.  Only to be rudely awoken by a speeding cat, bouncing across my body in his haste to hide away from the person who was ringing the doorbell!   It’s extremely difficult to pretend that you are still asleep, with the trail of blood from cats claws crossing my body.  Too bleary eyed to read the clock, I expected it to be the postmen. I pulled on my dressing gown, bare feet, with hair that would have been a credit to a scarecrow, I dragged myself to the door.

“Good morning, can I come in & fit you new intercom.”   I mumbled yes but my mind was certainly not using that word!  Being a lady, I will not tell your what I wanted to say, but it wasn’t very polite!   By now my cat was sat under the chair, growling at the workmen, glaring at him for daring to disrupt the morning rituals.  As for me – I  wasn’t  sure if I was even in the land of the living,  but my need to use the bathroom told me that I was.  However I couldn’t use it because the man was working there ( I should point out that there are emergency pull cords throughout the flat, not that I need to answer the door via the bathroom😄)   A second workman came in, cat flew elsewhere, I shuffled uncomfortably , needing the bathroom, needing a cuppa, needing to dress, but above all, wanting to go back to sleep……….

Eventually of course, the job was done & normal day should have been resumed, but no, I dragged myself around, as if I was weighed down, legs like lead weights. My head was pounding, I couldn’t snap out of it at all.  Poor cat wanted to play, I wanted to make cat kebabs!   He was safe – I’m vegan.   I bent to pick up his food bowl & lost my balance, reached out to find support, which unfortunately came in the form of a glass dish,  which smashed into a million pieces.  Grrr!   Not what I needed today!    Once I had cleaned up the glass, fed the cat & my fish, I couldn’t face feeding me.  I decided that today was going to be a right off.  I trudged towards my bedroom & caught sight of myself!  What a pathetic sight!   I looked so sorry for myself, it was ridiculous!   I had a frown so deep that I hardly recognised myself.  I stared at my reflection,  Chi was staring at me.  Suddenly the absurdity of it all struck me.   I burst into laughter.  Chi came over to see if I was okay.   No I wasn’t, but I soon would be.

Now approaching lunchtime, I finally got myself washed & dressed, followed by a deep & meaningful conversation with my deity through prayer. After which I gave myself a long relaxing Reiki session.  I had intended to get some pain killers but of course found that I no longer needed them.  I turned on the radio & began to sing along.      Cat purred.  We played.   I forgot breakfast & went straight onto lunch.  Tiredness gone,  I did a lot of de cluttering, letting go of many possessions that I had been reluctant to give away.  Finally, exhausted but excillerated,   I collapsed onto my sofa in the late afternoon.  I began to think about my day.  It had been such a strange day yet turned from negative into positive, simply because of the absurdity of my reflection.

There is certainly a lesson there for me.  No matter how rubbish I feel, allowing myself to wallow is a disastrous move.  I know that if I take a step back,  take a  quiet time in prayer &/or meditation, All negativity dissolves.  Every problem  doesn’t disappear, but they stay in their right context.   I had stayed up far too late,  I had woken badly,     I  had smashed  a dish,   I had a very bad headache.   And?   And nothing!    Nothing dreadful happened,  the world didn’t fall apart, in fact I ended up having a very good day.      All because of those few peaceful moments.

It’s now midnight, I have some writing practice to do.  Goodnight to one & all.

Rosie x

 

 

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In search of happiness (Sharing a miracle).            

Happy being me!
Happy being me!

for more years than I care to remember I have felt sad, lonely & extremely depressed. Even during good times I felt more empty than I can describe. Unhappy childhood, insecurity, 3 broken marriages, 5 messed up children – it wasn’t a pretty picture. 

Something had to change

I chose to end my life on several occasions, figuring that this would bring about the change to my sorrow. It didn’t. All I succeeded in doing was make myself more physically unwell.

Just over a year ago the first miracle happened, I was referred to a clinical psychologist who spent an amazing 12 months patiently unpicking my fears & piecing together the reasons for my traumatic past, with a form of therapy called Cognitive Anylitical Therapy, or CAT for short. 

At first things got worse, another suicide attempt followed shortly after I had been diagnosed with emotional borderline personality disorder. I was horrified by the title, I had heard about anger issues & disassociation, surely that wasn’t me? Had my past problems all been down to me? Was I responsible for all the unhappiness that seemed to surround me?  I couldn’t live with myself if that was true. I already felt a total failure .  My family had all but deserted me, my 30year marriage to an alcoholic had folded. 

And it was ALL MY FAULT !         At least that’s what it felt like.         I was unlovable, unlikeable , uncaring – a waste of space!!!

Then miracle 2 happened, or maybe it was miracle one, part two?

I’m not sure how or when it happened, all I know is that I discovered an overwhelming desire to change my life. I had always felt ‘different’ from my friends but had discovered that if I wanted to be accepted, I had to be a sheep & follow the flock. Suddenly I found the strength to stand up and say – I AM ME , I DON’T NEED TO APOLOGISE FO IT.

I don’t know where my inner strength came from but I guess it had been hidden away in the mess that had been my life. Having a supportive network around me in the form of friends & the mental health team had acted like a safety net. I had hit rock bottom & like a drowning man I had found the will to survive. They held me safe until I found the way to take my first unsteady independent steps. I began to speak MY TRUTH. Began to learn all that I could about healthy living, both physical & psychological. I learnt about using positive affirmations. I began saying yes instead no. I stopped pretending. I stopped eating wheat & other grains, yeast, sugar & all dairy products. Being a strict vegetarian this made my diet very limiting but in a very bizarre way it also freed me!

Miracle 3.     The sun came out, not just in the sky but in my heart!  I was progressively losing weight & felt so, so good.  Instead of wallowing in my daily pain caused by severe fibromyalgia, I began to force myself to try to walk a little. It hurt like hell, still does but the pleasure that I get from being out in the fresh air & reclaiming a little of my independence makes is all worth while.

I began to be told how inspirational I was – WOW, me? At first I was embarrassed by it but then decided to accept the compliment. This got me thinking, what if there was something in what they said?  During meditation & prayers I kept feeling the need to write my feelings down, in case even one person could gain something from my story.

So here I am, writing this blog. There is so much inside of me bursting to get out. I need to write, to help me understand what has happened, as much as helping anyone else. It isn’t a short concise story, I haven’t really touched on the beginning & have no notion of if or where it may come to a conclusion, but today, Christmas Day 2014 I have begun.

Please follow my blogs if you are interested. I feel excited to be sharing my journey. Please join me, you will be very welcome  & a journey shared is so much better than a lone one

Blessings from the powers of the Universe

xxx

Rosie xxx