for more years than I care to remember I have felt sad, lonely & extremely depressed. Even during good times I felt more empty than I can describe. Unhappy childhood, insecurity, 3 broken marriages, 5 messed up children – it wasn’t a pretty picture.
Something had to change
I chose to end my life on several occasions, figuring that this would bring about the change to my sorrow. It didn’t. All I succeeded in doing was make myself more physically unwell.
Just over a year ago the first miracle happened, I was referred to a clinical psychologist who spent an amazing 12 months patiently unpicking my fears & piecing together the reasons for my traumatic past, with a form of therapy called Cognitive Anylitical Therapy, or CAT for short.
At first things got worse, another suicide attempt followed shortly after I had been diagnosed with emotional borderline personality disorder. I was horrified by the title, I had heard about anger issues & disassociation, surely that wasn’t me? Had my past problems all been down to me? Was I responsible for all the unhappiness that seemed to surround me? I couldn’t live with myself if that was true. I already felt a total failure . My family had all but deserted me, my 30year marriage to an alcoholic had folded.
And it was ALL MY FAULT ! At least that’s what it felt like. I was unlovable, unlikeable , uncaring – a waste of space!!!
Then miracle 2 happened, or maybe it was miracle one, part two?
I’m not sure how or when it happened, all I know is that I discovered an overwhelming desire to change my life. I had always felt ‘different’ from my friends but had discovered that if I wanted to be accepted, I had to be a sheep & follow the flock. Suddenly I found the strength to stand up and say – I AM ME , I DON’T NEED TO APOLOGISE FO IT.
I don’t know where my inner strength came from but I guess it had been hidden away in the mess that had been my life. Having a supportive network around me in the form of friends & the mental health team had acted like a safety net. I had hit rock bottom & like a drowning man I had found the will to survive. They held me safe until I found the way to take my first unsteady independent steps. I began to speak MY TRUTH. Began to learn all that I could about healthy living, both physical & psychological. I learnt about using positive affirmations. I began saying yes instead no. I stopped pretending. I stopped eating wheat & other grains, yeast, sugar & all dairy products. Being a strict vegetarian this made my diet very limiting but in a very bizarre way it also freed me!
Miracle 3. The sun came out, not just in the sky but in my heart! I was progressively losing weight & felt so, so good. Instead of wallowing in my daily pain caused by severe fibromyalgia, I began to force myself to try to walk a little. It hurt like hell, still does but the pleasure that I get from being out in the fresh air & reclaiming a little of my independence makes is all worth while.
I began to be told how inspirational I was – WOW, me? At first I was embarrassed by it but then decided to accept the compliment. This got me thinking, what if there was something in what they said? During meditation & prayers I kept feeling the need to write my feelings down, in case even one person could gain something from my story.
So here I am, writing this blog. There is so much inside of me bursting to get out. I need to write, to help me understand what has happened, as much as helping anyone else. It isn’t a short concise story, I haven’t really touched on the beginning & have no notion of if or where it may come to a conclusion, but today, Christmas Day 2014 I have begun.
Please follow my blogs if you are interested. I feel excited to be sharing my journey. Please join me, you will be very welcome & a journey shared is so much better than a lone one
Blessings from the powers of the Universe