Source: At times I don’t think I fit in
Author: rosieways
In my 60s, divorced with five adult sons, I live with debilitating fibromyalgia, angina & mental health problems. However these don’t define who I am & I live my life to the full!
I share my life with my self opinionated cat Chi, who is rarely far from my side.
Born in Devon, I now live in beautiful Wells in Somerset (UK)
I’m a Reiki Master with a passion for alternative therapies.
Refusing to give in to ill health, I’ve trained as a Tai Chi instructor & enjoy helping others control of their lives.
I’ve successfully set up and led a free, Community creative writing group, which, although I’ve now left to persue other ideas, still continues to thrive.
For a while I wrote a column in the local newspaper, have self published a couple of books and have two novels awaiting full edit before seeking a publisher. Life just keeps getting better 😀
Too much rushing, not enough doing!
I haven’t written a blog for a while now. Almost everyday I think of things that I’d like to write about, often I even jot down ideas or use my voice recorder ( sometimes reeling off an entire blog ) yet for some reason, I just haven’t had time to actually sit down & write! Of course when I say that I haven’t had the time, what I really mean is that I haven’t FOUND the time! Although not really a procrastinator, I do have an amazing knack of losing time. I could blame one of my conditions, fibromyalgia for it, but although that does play it’s part, it’s not the full story.
So what is the full story?
I could write a comprehensive list with many valid excuses for why I don’t get things done, but that would be avoiding facing the facts. Isn’t that what too many people do when they don’t want to admit simply being disorganised?
I COULD BE IN THE RUNNING FOR THE CROWN AS Ms DISORGANISED 2016. I am very good at planning. I excel when it comes to writing lists. I have a very sharp memory when it comes to the little details, the things that many people overlook, BUT………………… When it comes down to getting things done for myself, I’m dreadful! Things used to be very different, I could multi- task with the best of them. I seemed to find hidden hours, where I was able to fit in a near unbelievable amount of tasks, yet still be standing at the end of the day. I suppose that being retired has a lot to answer for! When I had children at home, I had to keep to a schedule, I had to provide meals, do the laundry, feed the multitude of pets, as well as the human variety. Housework would be fitted in & around other things but always got done, bills would be dealt with at the appropriate time. In other words, I managed. I agree that it was always a case of organised chaos, but things did get done.
Now? I have all day to spend as I wish – & that’s the problem! I rarely set an alarm, I wake, then get up when I want to. I amble around my flat in my dressing gown while I follow the necessary routine of feeding my cat, cleaning his litter tray, making my breakfast & so on. Unless I have an appointment, I shower & dress when I feel like it. There is no pressure. There is very little stress. I don’t have to answer to anyone. Meals are made & eaten at random times. As for housework, the less said the better! It’s not that I am lazy, far from it. I keep myself extremely busy, although I do often question what it is exactly that I do all day. I don’t watch daytime tv. I don’t languish in bed with a cuppa, or spend hours soaking in the bath. I don’t spend hours chatting on the phone or even waste my days on social media ( although that has been known to happen) Basically I potter! I do a little bit here, a little bit there, always intending to get the essentials out of the way so that I can do what is important to me. Unfortunately I potter about so much, keeping myself occupied, that by the time I decide to settle down to write or read or paint, I have used up all of my energy!
I know about the importance of keeping to a schedule but it is so difficult to maintain when the only one cracking the whip is yourself! My doctors are forever telling me about taking care of my health, how important it is for me to pace myself. They don’t seem to grasp the fact that to be able to pace yourself, you first of all need to start! Occasionally I wake early, get out of bed immediately, have myself & cat up & organised by 7am. I love those days! I have always been a morning person, preferring to be up with the dawn chorus, it’s such a wonderful, fresh time of the day but over the past year or so, I find myself still up & fully awake at 3 or 4am. I frequently can be found cleaning the kitchen or defrosting the freezer at midnight. Unfortunately the early hours of the morning are my creative times, in the stillness of the night is when I am filled with inspiration, when I want to write. I have tried setting myself a writing schedule, it all looks great on paper, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I know that I could become more disciplined, but I have had a lifetime of that, now is my ‘me’ time. However there is so much that I want to do, that I end up doing none of them.
On my fridge I have a slogan that reads ” Always be calmly active & actively calm” I agree wholeheartedly, yet I seem to rush around like a headless chicken ( bad expression for a vegan to use!) I have been actively decluttering for well over a year now, yet I am getting more & more obsessed by it. I turn out drawers to clear out the unwanted things that were kept ‘in case they might come in handy one day’. I now have several empty drawers, yet piles of larger item still scattered around my home, just waiting to go to the charity shop & even more small items waiting to leap into the empty drawers.
Maybe I should give up, shove everything out of sight & blame my illnesses?
Or of course there is a really radical solution. I could stop worrying about why I don’t find enough to spare time and just actually CHANGE MY MINDSET. Time spent worrying, is always time wasted. Instead of saying that I am disorganised, I could become organised. It is time for me to take personal responsibility for my chaos. I would tell friends to use positive affirmations, I know how well they can work.
So I will start here & now.
” I have no need to rush, I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely.”
“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”
“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”
Now I shall go into the kitchen, make a chamomile tea & get an early night. I have a whole new regime to get up early for!
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Thankyou for persevering to the end of my waffle. Maybe one or two of you might find following a similar train of thought useful. Apparently it would seem that you don’t need to be a procrastinator to procrastinate!
love & light to one & all,
Rosie x
at planning
Isn’t happiness enough?
A couple of years ago, I was persuaded to join an online dating agency. I was told by friends that I would get lonely & miserable if I stayed single. It was during the early part of my singledom, so I duly signed up. Within no time I had reservations, after all, I enjoyed my life, but never the less I arranged a couple of dates.
Tha first man turned out to be someone that I already vaguely knew. I was alright until he reached over for a kiss & cuddle, minutes after we had met. I recoiled, he persisted. We were in a cafe where I felt safe, so I politely explained that I would rather not get too ‘touchy- freely’ until I felt that the time was right. He agreed but continued. The date lasted about an hour. I cancelled the next proposed blind date.
I had a long think & realised that I was being challenged about what I wanted out of life. There was no doubt in my mind, so happily I continued for about a year, getting more & more settled into my single life, by then, with the addition of my furry companion, Chi ( cat)
That following year, a similar thing happened, I began to question whether I really should feel so happy whilst living alone. Again I decided to search for a suitable mate. On my profile I had been totally honest & explained that I wanted friendship which may or may not, in time blossom into a serious romance. I met a pleasant man, we got along ok, he walked me home & was an absolute gentleman. He was interesting. We arranged to meet again, but once back home I realised that all I was doing was accepting something that I didn’t really want, or need. I cancelled our proposed date & cancelled my membership to the dating agency.
I was extremely happy with my decision & thought no more about it.
However, recently I have been considering whether I was missing out by not having a partner. Once again I logged into the site. Almost immediately I found a couple of possible suitors & sent them messages, once again I chose to ignore my gut feelings & decided to look for the perfect man.
Why?
One particular man seemed eager & asked me to call him, which I did. We seemed to really hit it off. We met up the following day.
The details aren’t important. He was obviously ‘a player’. Within minutes he was declaring his love, just a short time before he began to map out our lives together. I instantly wanted to walk away. I knew that this wasn’t what I wanted. However I knew that I also had to be sure that previous heartbreak wasn’t clouding my judgement. We spent the evening together, then the night – me very firmly ensconced in my bedroom alone, while he had to contend with the sofa. Give him top marks for effort! He gave it 100%. I think that he was either a seasoned pro, or that he had been studying the art of manipulating women. His persistence even continued in the morning. He didn’t like being refused what he seemed to consider his right! He was out of luck! I just wanted him to go away. To be honest, I had enjoyed our debating & intellectualising about everything from religion to the speed of light! ( spoiled only by the attempted groping & letching.) I did feel a bit sorry for him, I have been married 3 times, been cheated on & lied to by experts, plus of course I have brought up 5 sons. Nothing much male orientated fazes me.
As as we parted, he accused me of being a lesbian – no surprise by that comment! I didn’t even bother to justify my actions, or lack of them. I couldn’t be bothered!
I was due to meet a group of friends a short time later, & realised that I was smiling from ear to ear as I went into town, feeling so happy with my freedom. The group was enhanced by a new lady, we hit it off immediately. We chatted for over 4 hours. No innuendos, no sexual motivations, no cross questioning – just friendship……………
Since then I have been putting my priorities into order.
I love my life. I love my flat. I love my friends & my cat. Why on earth would I want to throw it all away?
I don’t need to search for a new partner. Maybe the Universal plan is for me to find new love whether it be male, female, black, white, human, animal or global. There are so many ways to have love in your life. I love my family, I gave birth to 5 beautiful sons & have made some friendships that have lasted the test of time. I am so blessed by having a full & happy life, yet risked so much in search of the illusion of ‘perfect ‘ love.
I am already in love, with life! I realise that now.
I hope that I won’t be tested like this again, but maybe I will need to strengthen my resolve if it begins to wane. No one is above doubting themselves occasionally But I am certain that I will not compromise myself, just to ‘fit in’. I won’t just ‘make do’. I enjoy being me. No arguments, no shouting, no resentment! I understand that many people feel that they need the security of marriage or partnership. That’s ok. But I’ve done that & it didn’t work for me. I’m not anti man ,or anti sex, or anti marriage. What I have now, has taken me years to achieve. I have inner peace. I have no idea what will happen in the future, but I will accept whatever the Universe decides for me. I am happy with my decision. I choose to be happy. I love being myself.
I wish you all the most wonderful fulfilling life, filled with love in it’s many forms.
Rosie x
never a day goes by without him making me laugh
No questions without answers.
Today I have felt dreadful. There’s no point in me dressing it up – I have felt absolutely awful!
I had made plans for today. Depending on how well I felt, I intended going out for a wander around my hometown or if I wasn’t strong enough, I’d stay at home & continue with my decluttering. What I hadn’t reckoned on was to wake up with a banging headache. Unusually for me, I had a very disturbing dream, one of those that you can’t shake off! Although not a nightmare it was quite unnerving. I tried to return to sleep but my mind wasn’t going to play ball, it was insistent that I carry the images from the dream around with me all day. Try as I might, it wasn’t to be ignored!
After forcing myself to get up, feed the cat & follow the initial morning routine, I realised that today would be a wipe out unless I got some quality sleep. Much to my cats’ disgust, I returned back to bed and slept and slept and slept. I finally opened my eyes well after midday. It took just a matter of a few seconds to know that I actually felt worse, not better! I am telling you this, simply to set the scene for my pondering.
As some of you will know, I’ve been unwell for quite a while now, which has hit me very hard, especially since I have been flying high for several months prior to this. During that ‘well’ time, although still in tremendous pain, I managed to have a very full & enjoyable life. I knew that I had been pushing myself too hard ( fibromyalgia hates being pushed) so wasn’t at all surprised to have a relapse, but the severity has taken me by surprise. Enough whinging! Suffice it to say that a ‘well period’ feels very much overdue!
Thankfully throughout this difficult period, I have remained ( on the whole) cheerful & have managed to keep depression at bay. However recently I have been writing a lot, including a book about a difficult period in my life. As you may understand, this has brought up a lot of previously buried emotions. Add to this my support for the ‘Time to Change ‘ campaign, which is trying to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health difficulties (please see my recent blog). and it’s not hard to see that I have had to fight the black dog ( depression) which has been snapping at my heels. Yesterday was a particularly melancholy day, not helped by it being the anniversary of my Mothers’ passing, a couple of years ago. All in all it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster!
Needless to say, I felt unable to go out today & as soon as I began to do any form of activity, it soon became apparent that that was to be a no no also! The most physical thing that I have achieved was washing a few dishes & boiling some potatoes for my meal.
As someone who has had previous long term agoraphobia, I am very mindful about not allowing myself to go down that road again. Now, especially since I have felt so exhausted, I have been staying at home most days & have been concentrating on my writing. If I’m honest, I’ve quite enjoyed being a hermit, but in my circumstances it is a risky strategy! Since not being able to do much else today, I decided to sit & write, except that falling asleep again was all I managed. After my 3rd or was it 4th nap? I gave up the idea. As many people know, when you create a void, something needs to fill its’ space, in my case it was a churning brain, firing questions at me. I began to worry if I was getting mentally unstable again, but quickly dismissed that idea. But then I reasoned if it wasn’t that, was I being punished for something? By now getting into dangerous territory, I gave myself a bit of a shake & looked at what has actually happened.
Yes, I’ve been unable to go out much, which has had a knock on effect of my spending being reduced. Positive outcome!
Yes, I’ve been forced to take a lengthy absence from my voluntary job. I found this devastating, but it has helped me to see that when I return , not only will I be more physically able to work, I will be able to re-evaluate quite what tasks I should & shouldn’t take on. Resulting in a decision to make a slightly different work schedule. Positive outcome!
Yes, I have missed many groups & clubs. Result being that I had realised how much I had been burning the candle at both ends. I needed a rest. I knew it. I ignored it. Now I can see that as a pensioner, with a variety of medical problems, I should prioritise & concentrate on what I need to do, rather than what I want to do! Life won’t grind to a halt if I withdraw from one or two activities. Life will go on, as will the clubs without me. Positive outcome!
Yes, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands. Result being that I have used that time decluttering my home, making it a much nicer, airier space. Definite winner all round there!
Yes, I’ve had to let a lot of people down, something that I hate doing. Resulting in being able to catch up with overdue paperwork & also old friendships via social media. Positive outcome!
Yes, I have been unable to buy fresh food. ( someone does get me essentials). Result being that I have been forced to use up food from my freezer & store cupboard ( or black hole, as it often seems!) I have also invented many simple, tasty & nutritional vegan meals & snacks for myself. Some of which I will at some point share on my sister page http:// Rosieways, howdidisite.com . My kitchen cupboard agrees it ‘s definitely been a positive outcome!
Being unable to do everything for myself , I’ve had to swallow my pride & ask for help. Result being a lesson in humility that I badly needed. Positive outcome!
Finally for now, Yes, I have been unable to keep up with housework, laundry etc. Result, first of all – does it really matter? Mainly though, enforced resting has given me plenty of time to write, write, write & write some more. I have wanted to dedicate more time to creative writing, but never found much spare time. In the past few weeks I have actively written more than I would have thought possible. I have created a writing routine. I have sorted out my writing books into one place, easy to find & use. Have found many interesting websites to aid my muse & have entered a couple of competitions. Positive outcome!
Although I already knew about not being given questions ( & hardships / challenges ) without being given the answers (or solutions)It took an enforced rest to help me actually take notice!
The end result to all of this episode will hopefully be a much more relaxed schedule with more ‘me’ time, more space for creativity & maybe even a healthier bank balance.
I certainly have a lot to be grateful for. Namaste X
Love & Blessings to you all.
Rosie X
Having second thoughts?
A couple of days ago I wrote a blog about my experiences with mental health. Although unintentional, I was actually a lot more forthright than I had intended. I’ve had quite a reaction to this blog, some saying how stupid I have been to be so open, other, my far the majority, have welcomed & thanked me for my honesty. Well, I’ve reassessed my thoughts about the wisdom of that post & have reached a very definite conclusion – ALthough a little embarrassing, I DO NOT REGRET WRITING IT ONE TINY BIT!
Mental health problems are very diverse, affecting a wide range of people. the range of illnesses affects everyone in many different ways. There is no one pill to cure all. In many cases it is a very long road of trial & error. Depending on the type of mental health problem, some people recover reasonably quickly, some never recover. Everyone is an individual. One thing that most people have in common is the fight to be recognised as a normal person with an illness, not some freak of nature. This is something that needs to be addressed.
I will continue to speak out…
Rosie
Mental health issues
Source: Mental health issues
Oh what a day
I have always been very much of a morning person, but over recent months I have been finding it a struggle to get started each day. Fibromyalgia doesn’t help, as one of it’s kind gifts is feeling unrefreshed as if you haven’t slept at all, regardless of how many hours of sleep you’ve actually had. Apparently it prevents the body from getting into the deep level of sleep that is required – hence fibro sufferers always feel totally washed out. Unlike many people, I actually have very little trouble with getting to sleep & apart from the inevitable trip(s) to the toilet in the small hours, I sleep fairly soundly. It wasn’t always so. I used to cope on two hours a night, without any daytime naps either ! I was totally unable to sleep. I hate using sleeping tablets so read all that I could about sleep deprivation & have implemented a lot of the suggestions that struck a chord with me. Now, as I said, I normally sleep well. Unfortunately this hasn’t helped me wake any more refreshed but I try to get up as soon as I wake, that is until recently!
Yesterday was a really enjoyable day & my head was buzzing with what I had learnt at my writing class so I found myself still writing at silly o’clock , even then having to force myself to retire. Finally I crawled into bed, head throbbing from eye strain, legs hardly able to carry me the few paces to my bedroom. I literally fell into bed & went out like a light, stopping just long enough to realise that I didn’t have any commitments today, so I could sleep as long as I needed.
Nobody told my cat!
A couple of hours after collapsing into the world of dreams, Chi ( my cat) decided that it was time to get up. NO! After a difference of opinion he accepted that he wasn’t able to win, so we both went back to sleep. Only to be rudely awoken by a speeding cat, bouncing across my body in his haste to hide away from the person who was ringing the doorbell! It’s extremely difficult to pretend that you are still asleep, with the trail of blood from cats claws crossing my body. Too bleary eyed to read the clock, I expected it to be the postmen. I pulled on my dressing gown, bare feet, with hair that would have been a credit to a scarecrow, I dragged myself to the door.
“Good morning, can I come in & fit you new intercom.” I mumbled yes but my mind was certainly not using that word! Being a lady, I will not tell your what I wanted to say, but it wasn’t very polite! By now my cat was sat under the chair, growling at the workmen, glaring at him for daring to disrupt the morning rituals. As for me – I wasn’t sure if I was even in the land of the living, but my need to use the bathroom told me that I was. However I couldn’t use it because the man was working there ( I should point out that there are emergency pull cords throughout the flat, not that I need to answer the door via the bathroom😄) A second workman came in, cat flew elsewhere, I shuffled uncomfortably , needing the bathroom, needing a cuppa, needing to dress, but above all, wanting to go back to sleep……….
Eventually of course, the job was done & normal day should have been resumed, but no, I dragged myself around, as if I was weighed down, legs like lead weights. My head was pounding, I couldn’t snap out of it at all. Poor cat wanted to play, I wanted to make cat kebabs! He was safe – I’m vegan. I bent to pick up his food bowl & lost my balance, reached out to find support, which unfortunately came in the form of a glass dish, which smashed into a million pieces. Grrr! Not what I needed today! Once I had cleaned up the glass, fed the cat & my fish, I couldn’t face feeding me. I decided that today was going to be a right off. I trudged towards my bedroom & caught sight of myself! What a pathetic sight! I looked so sorry for myself, it was ridiculous! I had a frown so deep that I hardly recognised myself. I stared at my reflection, Chi was staring at me. Suddenly the absurdity of it all struck me. I burst into laughter. Chi came over to see if I was okay. No I wasn’t, but I soon would be.
Now approaching lunchtime, I finally got myself washed & dressed, followed by a deep & meaningful conversation with my deity through prayer. After which I gave myself a long relaxing Reiki session. I had intended to get some pain killers but of course found that I no longer needed them. I turned on the radio & began to sing along. Cat purred. We played. I forgot breakfast & went straight onto lunch. Tiredness gone, I did a lot of de cluttering, letting go of many possessions that I had been reluctant to give away. Finally, exhausted but excillerated, I collapsed onto my sofa in the late afternoon. I began to think about my day. It had been such a strange day yet turned from negative into positive, simply because of the absurdity of my reflection.
There is certainly a lesson there for me. No matter how rubbish I feel, allowing myself to wallow is a disastrous move. I know that if I take a step back, take a quiet time in prayer &/or meditation, All negativity dissolves. Every problem doesn’t disappear, but they stay in their right context. I had stayed up far too late, I had woken badly, I had smashed a dish, I had a very bad headache. And? And nothing! Nothing dreadful happened, the world didn’t fall apart, in fact I ended up having a very good day. All because of those few peaceful moments.
It’s now midnight, I have some writing practice to do. Goodnight to one & all.
Rosie x
Mental health issues
Source: Mental health issues
oh what a way to end the year!
Source: oh what a way to end the year!
Everything is coming up Rosie 