When life gets in the way!

Having just come across this from last year, I felt that it was worth reposting. It has helped me to reread it. The decluttering is still ongoing………..

Recently I have been getting more & more bogged down with the practicalities of life. I’ve never been an organised person ( main reason for not blogging regularly.)I promise myself that I will become much more organised, spend hours sorting paperwork into files, boxes & drawers, then realise that I have no idea where everything is so neatly tidied away, causing a mad panic when I need to find something!

This has set me thinking about why I find it so difficult. The main reason is blatantly obvious – I’ve spent my life surrounded by clutter! My Mother loved clutter, 5 children attracted it like a magnet, poverty caused me to save everything & has been a difficult habit to break! The bizarre thing is that I hate living in such chaos! So why do I still do it?

I realised quite a while ago, that I found clutter comforting, because what I had on show was mine & it was a form of security. *(see one of my first blogs, where I talked about needing everything on show.) Once I felt more secure, I was able to begin the very long task of decluttering & letting things go. As regular subscribers will know, this has been an extremely long process & one that I mention regularly. I suppose it shows a) the amount of clutter I’d accumulated & b) the thorough job that I’m doing. I’m extremely delighted with my progress, my home feels far lighter & less oppressive, which in turn has made space to attract new positive energies, all in all, a win-win situation. However I think that there is more to my chaotic lifestyle, than simply clutter, but what?

Having an over active mind doesn’t help, because I find doing one thing at a time virtually impossible. I can be happily cleaning the kitchen, take something into the bedroom, forget the kitchen & begin sorting clothes, take washing into the bathroom & start cleaning the bath! (All the while, storylines, plots & characters are running around in my head, vying for attention!) If I’m not very strict with myself, I’ll just end up writing!
My bathroom needed clearing,being the place of cleansing my body, it made sense for it to be tidier to enable me to cleanse my mind more easily too. I looked around & realised the enormity of my bottles & jars collection. I am aware that many women have huge selections of potions & lotions, however I don’t use most of mine, they just sit there, gathering dust, filling every shelf. My mind immediately slipped back to my childhood, where I remember my parents arguing over my Mothers similar collection. Dad insisted that She get rid of them, which she obediently did. She was upset about it, but never filled the bathroom with anymore. I wonder if deep down, I’ve been following in her footsteps, keeping them to prove that I can!

I think that a psychologist would probably have a field day, untangling why I do what I do! However,the time has come for action, so I have now got rid of many of the unneeded bottles & have donated several beautiful perfume bottles to charity, which have raised quite a few pounds.

I think that this has been an important breakthrough for me. I’m not being forced to get rid of anything, I’m doing it out of choice, my choice -I am no longer allowing myself to be dictated to, or controlled by anyone else. When I give things to charity & they get a good price, I’m delighted. There’s no feeling of upset – it’s really freeing.
Occasionally I slip backwards, dwell in the past & relive the hurt.Thankfully I’m now strong enough to recognise it & pull myself back into the present. I’ve signed up for an online mindfulness course, which is due to begin shortly ( see Future Learn, for free courses) I’ve done a bit of mindfulness previously but have decided that a deeper understanding of these techniques will help me. I hope that they will enable me to focus more on the job in hand, not get so easily distracted & maybe manage my time more effectively. I’ve yet to understand why I’m not able to do so much more,since there are 24 hours in every day!

I am absolutely determined to become more organised, maybe even more tidy, (although I think that may be wishful thinking!) But I have a reason to overcome this chaos,partly because I want to be able to dedicate more time to my writing & it’s difficult to feel creative if I’m worrying about where I put something !!! But more importantly, because I actually want to!

A friend recently commented how nice my home is looking & feeling( she was diplomatic about the untidiness) this has spurred me on. Tommorow I am reluctantly rehoming my tropical fish & their large aquarium. I’ll be sad to see them go, but they are a lot of work to keep clean & it’s difficult for me to manage and realistically the tank is far too large for my room. It’s just another step along this enlightening journey.

For any of us to change, we need to make changes. It can’t happen by itself. We need to be willing participants. Saying goodbye needn’t always be difficult. Rather than losing something, or someone, you are simply freeing yourself to move on to the next chapter. Everything is transient, nothing stays the same forever. I refuse to be stuck in any form of rut anymore. I wasn’t ready before, now I am! I’m saying goodbye to this chaos!

I wish you all love & contentment.

Rosie x

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Happy to help

Today I had cause to try to help a neighbour who had got herself into a bit of a personal crisis, now on reflection, I see how much I have changed!

I was brought up to mind my own business, not to interfere unless asked & basically leave people to their own devices. I followed this rule for much of my life, but now realise that the flip side can be not helping where needed. My family were the non demonstrative type, emotions weren’t freely shown, affection was almost a dirty word. I grew up starved of physical touch. There was little doubt that as children we were loved, but were brought up to be seen & not heard – something that I failed miserably. I was a thinker, a questioner, ‘highly strung’, timid yet volatile when pushed too far. Far distanced from the perfect child!!!

Married & divorced three times, with 5 sons, there wasn’t a lot of ‘touchy- feely’ in our household, once the children had outgrown babyhood. Physical touch, outside of the bedroom was always a difficult concept for me & I have struggled to overcome the fear of touching others.  However,once divorced, I realised how important friendship & physical contact is, so have worked hard to overcome this very British hang- up!  Thankfully I no longer have any qualms about hugging a newcomer, or comforting someone, but not everyone feels comfortable with open shows of friendship, so I try to be mindful, before lunging in for a hug!

As I said at the beginning of this blog, I found myself in a situation, that a few years ago would have sent me into panic.

I found a neighbour, collapsed in our building. Previously I would have called for help, the excused myself, hoping that someone else would deal with it, but not anymore. Without any hesitation, I immediately went to her aid, and was soon joined by 2 other people. The person in question wasn’t really hurt, her collapse being caused by a long standing issue. Sitting with her , keeping her spirits up, while we waited for the ambulance was no problem whatsoever. She is a lovely, cheery lady, so staying with her was no effort. However once the paramedic had arrived & done the vital checks, it was suggested that she be taken to hospital, something that she steadfastly refused!  We tried to reason with her, but to no avail, she wanted to go back to her flat & be left alone. This being her right, she was assisted to her property, while the paramedic concluded his paperwork.

For me, how I reacted next, shows me how far in my spiritual journey I have come.  Although still refusing assistance, it was obvious that she needed some reassurance & help. Instinctively I knelt beside her & put my arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little closer, just to give her strength. As her tears came, I held her hand & seemed to know just what to say. We talked things through & thankfully she decided to accept the idea of a hospital admission. I need to stress that I wasn’t alone in helping her, the paramedic & my carer played an equally, if not more important part.  Once the ambulance had come, between us we comforted her, sorted out her necessities & waved her off, wishing her a speedy recovery. Just as she was being wheeled out, I again took her hand & gave it a reassuring squeeze.

The story in itself isn’t really significant, these things happen everyday to somebody, somewhere. What is significant though, is the ease in which I held  & comforted her. I wasn’t forceful, nor, hopefully was I invasive of her space. I held her because she looked like she needed a hug , no more, no less.  This lady is merely a neighbour, not someone that I know well. She is very private, I had no idea how she would react to my ‘interference’. But that’s the point. I held her, in a way that came naturally. I didn’t have to think about it, or question myself. She could have reacted badly, or even aggressively, I had no way of knowing, but it didn’t matter!

The ‘Powers that Be’, have granted me the gift of compassion without fear. Many people would have done the same thing automatically, I didn’t do anything special. It was the naturalness of it all that surprised me. I helped without fear, I showed compassion without questioning it. I trusted myself. I showed her that I care, because I do!  The ‘old me’ certainly couldn’t have reacted that way, much as I may have wanted to!

Some people are naturally helpful & empathetic – I’ve always been too afraid to show that side of myself. Nurses & good doctors have a natural gift, they ooze patience & care, they instinctively know how & what to say & do. I’m not like that. I’ve always been scared of being judged, of getting things wrong, of getting told off!  The little timid child who never grew out of it.

Maybe now, I can finally say that I have overcome that block!

Thank you for reading my words.

until next time, I wish you love & laughter,

Rosie x

 

 

Trust needs to be total.

 

Since I last wrote here, my life has changed considerably. My health continues to improve – not the pain, that is persistent, but a few months ago I took a really major decision – I needed to put my total faith in the Universe. What would be the point of fighting against the inevitable? Over & over I have been ‘told’ in my heart that I need to simplify my life, yet I am also being guided to take on loads more responsibility.

These guided paths have not been at all what I was expecting, or intending to do, but it has been like an avalanche, gathering more & more in it’s inevitable journey towards it’s goal!

As those who have been following me will know, I have been de cluttering for many, many months now. On the surface it would seem like the worst is over but actually it is getting tougher, but more satisfying. This may sound like a total contradiction, but it isn’t really.  When I began to ‘let go’ it was fairly straightforward, anything that had bad or difficult memories was sold or given away & I felt a lot lighter & quite pleased with myself ( in hindsight, being self satisfied was a sign that I had a very long way to go!)    The next step was to part with things that I liked, but didn’t need, most of these were given away as it felt wrong to gain financially over them. At this point I was also working on letting go of any emotional baggage or ties. I spent a lot of time looking inwardly, then trying to follow what I felt I was being told.   

One word kept being repeated – SIMPLIFY!

I tried to analize where would be the best place to start, I was already de cluttering & trying to spend less, but still that word kept coming!

One night, out of the blue I knew that I needed to simplify everything, literally everything in my life! I wondered how I was going to do this, when I knew.

I had to let go of my illness, my past ambitions, my constant planning improvements, even my dreams & hopes.   I had to let go of trying to control my destiny!     Boy that took faith!

(*I’m unsure what has happened, but two posts seem to have amalgamated, which has made it rather confusing! I will correct it when I am able to unravel the mystery, but until then, please accept my apologies)

To begin I had to distance myself from my own pain & suffering, after all, compared to the life that so many people lead, I have nothing to moan about, yet I still hear myself bemoaning how unwell I feel at times.  I began using Self Reiki rather than relying on anything chemical. To that I added the affirmation ‘I feel great’, but I had to really work on believing it sometimes.  This is something I recommend everybody tries. It is incredibly fulfilling answering a polite question about how I was feeling with a heartfelt smiling ‘brilliant thankyou’, the reactions have been almost totally positive.    However it was difficult to maintain this belief, while still having a carer, so with a heavy heart, I let her go.   I now take total responsibility for my own life.

During this time a neighbour was very unwell so I began helping her, visiting, phoning, shopping, cooking & probably more importantly, listening.   Sadly she recently died, but despite causing myself pain, exhaustion & inconvenience I had really enjoyed it.  I believe I had made her last weeks easier, but she repaid me in ways that no one could have guessed, she gave me a sense of purpose.  I had always found  being emotional quite difficult, I couldn’t show sentimentality, I always felt too open, it was too risky!  But in helping her, it all felt natural. That was a real lesson in humility, one I hope I will never forget!I no longer feel that I need to dress up at all, or try to impress anyone, I try to be as natural as I can. By letting go of the public face, the genuine me is free to live life to the full. I began doing voluntary work, which I love. I especially love being a helper at a memory clinic. Their   Dementia makes me full incredibly humble. They are watched, escorted, their liberties & identities taken away, but still they smile, laugh, take pleasure in whatever attention they are given, they touch, cuddle, hug & talk as if you have given them everything . Yet what sacrifices have I made? Given up some of my time, yet gained so much reward.

With the realisation that helping others was my biggest satisfaction, I chose to risk absolutely everything & have set up a business as a motivational coach. I am learning to be a life coach, but in the interim I am satisfied with being able to motivate & hopefully inspire people to live their lives to their full potential. I have sunk every last penny into this venture, the pain & exhaustion are beyond words, yet I am honoured to be able to volunteer with my dementia friends as well as putting my total faith into my newfound career.    Of course it is possible that this is just another lesson that I  need to learn, however that is a risk worth taking.

I believe that I am destined to walk a path of humility & service to the world. This business is a step on that path, one in which I can become fulfilled, help others & take responsibility for my life. Any money that I earn, outside what I genuinely need can be used for positive assistance to those in need.
Rosie x

Getting my priorities straight!

It occurred to me recently, that not only do I need to declutter, I also need to simplify my life.  To clarify, I don’t mean that my life is particularly complicated – it’s not, but I do have an awful lot of things going on !

Being a lone pensioner, my time is very much my own, but through choice I have filled my life with groups, clubs, friends & a voluntary job, on top of which I need to make time for my writing & a couple of online courses. My health, not being good, means that I get incredibly exhausted very easily. I try to fight this, although I know that it’s futile – when my body decides sleep is called for, I have no say in the matter. To make life easier, I could cut back on my commitments, but don’t really want to.  This only leaves one other course of action, to simplify my home life.

I love my little flat, but little is the word! There is very little storage space, which for someone who has a myriad of projects on the go, it is certainly a challenge!  I have been letting go of  many of my hobbies, yet don’t really seem to be making a dent in my handicraft clutter!

I have taken a major step and decided to let go of a large percentage of my book collection, which, in fairness has grown to epic proportions. With every trip to the Oxfam book shop, I have to remind myself that I’m helping myself as well as the charity. I now have gaps on my book shelves, but am finding it hard to let go of many more. I will, but I want to let them go for the right reason, not in some desperate act of clearance.

Having got to a sticking point, I asked for divine guidance & got it in a way that I hadn’t anticipated………..

I was ‘told’ that my very large fish tank needs rehoming.  I love my aquarium, but it is hard work to keep it maintained. Things have been made more complicated by the fact  that the fish keep breeding!  I love seeing the minute little  fry manoeuvring between the plants, yet know that they are incredibly hard work, as it’s very difficult to clean the tank without accidentally catching dozens of tiny fish too!

This morning I walked up to town & put a notice in the pet shop window. I have only asked for a token amount of payment, which means that I will be very out of pocket!   The decision took me by surprise, but it’s one that I needed to take. It will free up a lot of space, both in my home & in my head. It is the right thing for me to do!

Writing that advert, letting go of much loved things is a test of my faith. I totally believe that I am being guided. I trust in the Universal powers, that they know & want what’s right for me.  I asked for guidance, I got it, now I must abide by decision.

How many people pray for something, yet when set some challenge, they refuse to do it. I have tried to follow my intuition ( Universal guidance) for most of my life, yet now realise that I can’t pick & choose what I’m being shown to do.

I’m not weak willed, or easily swayed, I follow in faith because I know it’s right! It would be much easier to be selfish, but that would defeat the object! This is about simplifying & learning to let go.  I’m getting there!

A successful life calls for getting priorities straight. It isn’t about taking the easy option, it’s about showing that I am willing to make sacrifices, in order to receive & be worthy of the abundance that is regularly given to me. I don’t have much money ( very little actually) but I have more friendships, serenity, joyousness & opportunities than I ever believed possible. That’s got to be worth giving up a few loved things for, after all, none of it is really ours. The only certainty is that the only guaranteed thing is that we have is the life given to us by Whichever power you believe in.

Love & blessings to you all.

Be happy,

Rosie x

 

 

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Refinding the feel good factor

Last weekend, while I was discussing the viability of a vulnerable friend volunteering in a local charity shop, I did something that surprised myself!

The charity shop in question was unable to accept my friend, as they had no vacancies in their sorting room ( my friend is uncomfortable around people.) Me being me, a conversation  ensued, with the Manageress explaining how they were in need of till staff.  I heard myself asking if they would consider taking me on!!!  I certainly hadn’t had any intention of volunteering there, especially as my role has been as a flexercise leader with older people. I recently had to withdraw from my voluntary job, as it had become too physically challenging for me , which really upset me. I’ve been trying to decide what to do, I like feeling useful but my health has to be taken into consideration.  Hence the reason why my offering my services that day had taken me so much by surprise.

As a total believer in following where the Universe leads me, I realised that this had happened for a reason, so duly filled out the application forms before self doubt got the better of me. I should mention that this shop is one of the busiest in our City, so it would be anything but a quiet job!

At 12.30 today I got a call to ask if I was able to start this afternoon -at 1pm, as somebody had called in sick. Talk about shock!  It was actually wonderful, I didn’t have chance to doubt myself, or my abilities.  I am very aware that I can be clumsy, forgetful & tongue-tied, yet my head told me that I was more than capable. Most of my self doubt has been cultivated through years of depression & anxiety, now thankfully long conquered.

Newly found confidence allowed me to say that I would be a little late, as I needed to have lunch first, which I did. Then without panic or fear, I headed to town. There was no hesitation, I entered the shop, telling myself that I am as capable as anyone else. And I think that I proved it!

It was a really enjoyable afternoon. The staff were welcoming & after introducing me to the wonders of the kitchen & toilet ( vital!) I was left with an experienced volunteer. Thankfully the shop was quiet at first, although got manic later. I have been allowed to take things at my own pace , so haven’t yet used the touch screen till or taken credit cards, but it isn’t much different than using a touch screen computer. I loved it! I am a people person anyway & found a natural affinity with the shoppers, finding it so easy to chat naturally with them all. I was surprised that I managed to sell several of the more expensive items in the locked cabinet – I didn’t really try!  Our sales figure was good, the Manageress was delighted & I felt like I’d been working there for ages!

Where were the nerves?  It was great because I was able to remain seated between customers, so didn’t get too exhausted, met several friends that I hadn’t seen for ages & shockingly wasn’t tempted to buy anything myself! Absolute Win, Win!

I am so glad that I followed where I was being guided & trusted enough, not to try & talk myself out of it.  I have never worked in retail before, although have lots of market & boot sale experience. The job entailed me doing several things that were alien to me, yet there was no mistakes or panic at all! I don’t doubt that mistakes will happen, after all, I’m human, however I can’t wait to go again. Nowadays I am eager to learn new things, life is far too short to shy away from them. 17 years of agoraphobia have taught me that!

The absolutely amazing thing is that all of this, the new courage, the enjoyment of challenges & more, only really came to fruition one year ago when I undertook a sponsored walk for charity. Until then I had always thought that I wasn’t capable. That walk was a catalyst! My life continues to improve day upon day.

Retirement has been the opening up of my life & oh boy am I enjoying it!

Thankyou for sharing my journey,

until next time, take care.

Rosie x😊

 

It’s too easy to make excuses!

I have  been having a battle of wills with my inner saboteur.  It needs to stop!

My desire to become an author has taken over so much of my time, that I find myself chasing my own tail. I want to write all of the time. I let life get in the way. I tell myself that I ‘really should be……….’ I add different excuses all of the time!  It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually did the things that I tell myself that ‘I should’. Ironically I have perfected the art of NOT doing any of the important things, I waste time, often I can’t even work out where the time has gone.

Yesterday I settled down to do an important rewrite, ready for a competition. I was exhausted, it was late, but I persevered, typing, rereading, retyping.

Then the message appeared……..

Windows 10 is reconfiguring an important update on your computer. Please save your work or cancel.

I was too busy writing, I thought that It would be alright to finish what I was doing first.  WRONG!   The update completely took over my laptop before I had saved my work.  I convinced myself that it would be safe somewhere.  WRONG!  Finally at 1.30am  the install had completed, I eagerly went to Open Office to check my work – totally gone! Several hours of work wasted!  I’ve tried to convince myself that it obviously wasn’t good enough & that it will be better at the next rewrite.  Do I believe it?  Hmm, not sure.

Unfortunately my solution to this wasted work was to spend 5 hours wandering around the town today, instead of putting my head down & getting on with the job in hand.  Procrastination in the extreme.  I do this sabotage in many different ways, for example I hate having a pile of dirty dishes In the sink, when I want to write. Simple. Wash the dishes! No, I sit down, or maybe do something else rather than do them. I don’t mind cleaning the dishes, so why don’t I just do them?   Another example, I noticed while in town, that my mobile needs charging. That was over 9 hours ago, it still needs charging. I can’t receive calls until it is done, nor can I settle to anything else because I keep telling myself to charge up the phone!  It would take no more that a couple of minutes,  yet rather than do it, I’m writing about not doing it!  For some reason this sums up my way of putting things off.  It really annoys me, yet I continue to do it.

I have been inspired to write this now because I have just read a blog about making excuses for not writing.   Is that what I am doing?  Am I so critical of my ability to create something worthwhile, that I am using the flimsiest of excuses to put off the completion of any of my writing projects?  I know the answer.  I do this a lot.  I have used excuses throughout my life, usually for avoiding something that would take minutes to rectify.  One childhood memory is of trying to avoid cleaning my teeth, or washing my hands.  My Mother would check my toothbrush/ hands for evidence of use. Knowing this, I would go to great lengths to wet the brush, squeeze some paste down the plug hole, ruffle the towel etc, which took me much longer than just doing it!  I was a child then. That was well over half a century ago. I’m still using the same, illogical reasoning towards avoiding tasks. I want to do them, I want to get things done. I want a clear, uncluttered home, allowing me to have clarity of thought yet I still make excuses to myself that prevent me from doing them.

Bizarrely I don’t do this where other people are concerned. If something needs doing for someone else, I do it as soon as possible. Why is it different when helping others?  The answer is that I don’t like to let people down. This seems to suggest that I don’t mind letting myself down! Aren’t I worth more than that?

What can I do to challenge this behaviour?

The answer is so simple –  I just need to do, rather than think about it!  I made a start recently, I installed some to do apps on my phone & iPad, to allow me to keep track of things that I need to do & allow me to prioritise my tasks.  I felt quite pleased with myself. Good start I thought.  Hmm, I now have daily messages telling me about the overdue tasks, I haven’t even ticked off any jobs that I’ve completed!

Now I could use this ineffective idea as an excuse to stop trying. I could delete the app. I could ignore it.  Or……….

I could do something radical – I could actually try again. No excuses, no delaying tactics, I could simply start at the beginning of my list & work through it. Making excuses is a really pointless exercise, something that should have been left behind with childhood.  So I will try again. I won’t give up. I have an incredibly busy life yet could easily make more time if I simply became more organised & got on with the job in hand.

Having got this off my chest, I’m going to have an early-ish night & make a positive start in the morning, after a good nights’ sleep, but first  have to put my phone on charge!!!

bye for now, take care everyone.

Rosie 😀

 

Inspiration is everywhere!

I am frequently asked where I get all of my positivity & inspiration from, the answer is really very simple -in this beautiful, ever changing world of ours, inspiration is literally everywhere!

Far too many people rush around, barely noticing what is going on in the natural world around them. They fail to notice the diversity of trees in their neighbourhood & probably have never even considered the differences between them all. Each Country tends to have it’s own ‘signature’ tree, in Canada a large percentage of people would say ‘Maple’, in England the Oak is synonymous with our countryside – ( can you imagine Britain without it?)  However, I wonder how many of us consider the differing attributes of these beautiful features in our landscape?  How about the way they move in the wind?    The Willow, for example is fexible, graceful with strong sweeping branches that sway & rustle in even the slightest breeze A tree with similar structure but very different characteristics is the tall & slender Silver Birch. Like the willow , it too sways easily, but is extremely hardy & is said to be the first tree that would re-emerge after some form of world devestaion ( although I’m unsure how this could be substantiated!)   The Oak just oozes stability. In fact all plants & trees have qualities of their own.   People make jokes about tree huggers, but it’s not as bizarre as it sounds.  If you are feeling particularly stressed, which tree would you seek solace underneath?   Most of us have a favourite.   When you consider how long they have lived, what storms they have been through, how widespread their roots & yet they need no special care. They get all that they need from the Earth, Air, Water ( rain) & Fire ( sun).  No one teaches them how to grow, or whether they need to drop their leaves in the autumn. Like all living things, they do this automatically.  Their knowledge is inbuilt, as is ours, yet we have learnt not to trust our instincts, we rely on ‘facts’, books, tutors & other information sources. Have you ever wondered why?

How does all of the above relate to my search for inspiration?                                                           When I have a problem or am looking for something to motivate me, I don’t turn to technology, I normally can find my answers during silent meditation, a stroll around the garden or even just gazing out of my living room window.  We all know the answers to our problems, we just need to trust ourselves.  Our intuition works on most occasions,             (although unfortunately it rarely works for choosing lottery numbers!)                                   How often has an idea/ solution popped into your head, only for you to dismiss it as ridiculous?  What if you’d tried it, could it have worked?  Quite frequently the answer would be yes.  Fear & doubt stopped you, you didn’t want to be considered idiotic or different.  You didn’t listen to your inner voice!   Of course, unlike trees & plants, we have the ability to use common sense too, which sometimes we need.

I use symbols from the natural world for a lot of my inspirations.  If a notice a feather, I may walk past, however if I keep on seeing them, I may ask myself what it could mean. A traditional suggestion could be that a departed loved one is trying to make contact. I see a differing idea – to me, the feather is a sign of lightness of thought, or ideas that already floating around in my head , maybe I just need to pluck that idea from it’s resting place & work with it.   If I notice a lot of drooping flowers, despite rain, it may well indicate that I need to take more care of myself, or of someone else.   If I notice a single bird flying away from it’s flock – that one is easy – it is a sign that I must follow my heart & not follow everyone else. * Readers of ‘Jonathon Livingstone Seagull’, wonderfully  written by Richard Bach will probably understand why! A single sheep, running away from it’s flock, to me means the opposite – it makes me ask myself if I am just being stubborn!                      I use similar tactics when deciding whether something is good or bad for me, if something looks bright, healthy  & inviting, I’ll eat it, if I really fancy something yet it feels heavy or looks uninviting, then I’ll leave it.  Sometimes I surprise myself by trying a food that I’ve always refrained from, simply because it seemed to call me.I haven’t been disappointed once! If I get caught in the rain unexpectedly, maybe I need to consider if I need to clear away negativity. Symbols & signs are everywhere & just like inspiration they are just waiting to be noticed. When I write, I rarely plan anything, I trust that the right words & ideas will spring into life. I allow my inner voice to speak it’s wisdom, which only makes sense to those who need or understand it.

Yes, I’m aware that this all sounds a bit fanciful & weird, but that doesn’t worry me. I’ve learnt to trust my instincts. I don’t need approval or permission, this is my life to live, in the best way that I can. As long as I don’t cause harm to anyone else, then what reason could there be for me to stop? I spent far too many years of my life toeing the line, being unhappily ‘one of the crowd’. I conformed & absolutely hated it. I felt so stifled & unfulfilled. Years later I went to the other extreme & made a point of standing out & being different. I wore dramatic clothes, huge jewellery & wore my hair very wild & long. In it’s own way that was equally unfulfilling – I ended up just playing a part, still not finding a way to express myself.

Things are very, very different now. I write about my emotions, I bare my soul & risk ridicule, but finally I am being myself! I wear my hair short,wear very bright clothes, whether they are suitable for a pensioner is open to debate! I changed from vegetarian to vegan, but in a form that I am happy with. I live a fairly simple, uncomplicated life, don’t drink, smoke or gamble, but don’t feel the need to justify my choices, why would I?   I’ve been called a rebel, but I’m not really, I just live my life in the way that seems to work for me.   I don’t mind being considered an oddball or eccentric, ultimately  I have the last laugh.I have confidence by the bucket load. Very little frightens me. I’ll have a go at most things, does it matter if I fail?

I live a very contented, uncomplicated & stress- free life. I am extremely happy with the way things are going. I now need very little & feel comlete. I rarely get depressed or upset, have a good social life & plenty of friends. What more could I possibly want?

Love & blessings to everyone,

Rosie x

Too much rushing, not enough doing!

I haven’t written a blog for a while now. Almost everyday I think of things that I’d like to write about, often I even jot down ideas or use my voice recorder ( sometimes reeling off an entire blog ) yet for some reason, I just haven’t had time to actually sit down & write!   Of course when I say that I haven’t had the time, what I really mean is that I haven’t FOUND the time!  Although not really a procrastinator, I do have an amazing knack of losing time. I could blame one of my conditions, fibromyalgia for it, but although that does play it’s part, it’s not the full story.

So what is the full story?

I could write a comprehensive list with many valid excuses for why I don’t get things done, but that would be avoiding facing the facts.  Isn’t that what too many people do when they don’t want to admit simply being disorganised?

I COULD BE IN THE RUNNING FOR THE CROWN AS Ms DISORGANISED 2016.               I am very good at planning.  I excel when it comes to writing lists.  I have a very sharp memory when it comes to the little details, the things that many people overlook, BUT…………………  When it comes down to getting things done for myself, I’m dreadful!    Things used to be very different, I could multi- task with the best of them.  I seemed to find hidden hours, where I was able to fit in a near unbelievable amount of tasks, yet still be standing at the end of the day.  I suppose that being retired has a lot to answer for!  When I had children at home, I had to keep to a schedule, I had to provide meals, do the laundry, feed the multitude of pets, as well as the human variety. Housework would be fitted in & around other things but always got done, bills would be dealt with at the appropriate time.  In  other words, I managed.  I agree that it was always a case of organised chaos, but things did get done.

Now?  I have all day to spend as I wish – & that’s the problem!  I rarely set an alarm, I wake, then get up when I want to.  I amble around my flat in my dressing gown while I follow the necessary routine of feeding my cat, cleaning his litter tray, making my breakfast & so on.  Unless I have an appointment, I shower & dress when I feel like it. There is no pressure. There is very little stress.  I don’t have to answer to anyone.  Meals are made & eaten at random times.  As for housework, the less said the better!      It’s not that I am lazy, far from it.  I keep myself extremely busy, although I do often question what it is exactly that I do all day.  I don’t watch daytime tv. I don’t languish in bed with a cuppa, or spend hours soaking in the bath.   I don’t spend hours chatting on the phone or even waste my days on social media ( although that has been known to happen)   Basically I potter!  I do a little bit here, a little bit there, always intending to get the essentials out of the way so that I can do what is important to me.   Unfortunately I potter about so much, keeping myself occupied, that by the time I decide to settle down to write or read or paint, I have used up all of my energy!

I know about the importance of keeping to a schedule but it is so difficult to maintain when the only one cracking the whip is yourself!  My doctors are forever telling me about taking care of my health, how important it is for me to pace myself. They don’t seem to grasp the fact that to be able to pace yourself, you first of all need to start!   Occasionally I wake early, get out of bed immediately, have myself & cat up & organised by 7am.  I love those days!   I have always been a morning  person, preferring to be up with the dawn chorus, it’s such a wonderful, fresh time of the day but over the past year or so, I find myself still up & fully awake at 3 or 4am. I frequently can be found cleaning the kitchen or defrosting the freezer at midnight.  Unfortunately the early hours of the morning are my creative times, in the stillness of the night is when I am filled with inspiration, when I want to write.  I have tried setting myself a writing schedule, it all looks great on paper, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me.  I know that I could become more disciplined,  but I have had a lifetime of that, now is my ‘me’ time.  However there is so much that I want to do, that I end up doing none of them.

On my fridge I have a slogan that reads ” Always be calmly active & actively calm” I agree wholeheartedly, yet I seem to rush around like a headless chicken ( bad expression for a vegan to use!)  I have been actively decluttering for well over a year now, yet I am getting more & more obsessed by it.  I turn out drawers to clear out the unwanted things that  were kept ‘in case they might come in handy one day’. I now have several empty drawers, yet piles of larger item still scattered around my home, just waiting to go to the charity shop & even more small items waiting to leap into the empty drawers.

Maybe I should give up, shove everything out of sight & blame my illnesses?

Or of course there is a really radical solution.  I could stop worrying about why I don’t find enough to spare time and just actually CHANGE MY MINDSET.                        Time spent worrying, is always time wasted.  Instead of saying that I am disorganised, I could become organised. It is time for me to take personal responsibility for my chaos.   I would tell friends to use positive affirmations, I know how well they can work.

So I will start here & now.

” I have no need to rush, I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely.”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

“I have no need to rush. I have all the time & energy that I need. I use my time wisely”

Now I shall go into the kitchen, make a chamomile tea & get an early night. I have a whole new regime to get up early for!

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Thankyou for persevering to the end of my waffle.  Maybe one or two of you might find following a similar train of thought useful.  Apparently it would seem that you don’t need to be a procrastinator to procrastinate!

love & light to one & all,

Rosie x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

at planning

Oh what a day

I have always been very much of a morning person, but over recent months I have been finding it a struggle to get started each day.  Fibromyalgia doesn’t help, as one of it’s kind gifts is feeling unrefreshed as if you haven’t slept at all, regardless of how many hours of sleep you’ve actually had.  Apparently it prevents the body from getting into the deep level of sleep that is required – hence fibro sufferers always feel totally washed out.  Unlike many people, I actually have very little trouble with getting to sleep & apart from the inevitable trip(s) to the toilet in the small hours, I sleep fairly soundly. It wasn’t always so. I  used to cope on two hours a night, without any daytime naps either !  I was totally unable to sleep.  I hate using sleeping tablets so read all that I could about sleep deprivation & have implemented a lot of the suggestions that struck a chord with me. Now, as I said, I normally sleep well. Unfortunately this hasn’t helped me wake any more refreshed but I try to get up as soon as I wake, that is until recently!

Yesterday was a really enjoyable day & my head was buzzing with what I had learnt at my writing class so I found myself still writing at silly o’clock , even then having  to force myself to retire.  Finally I crawled into bed, head throbbing from eye strain, legs hardly able to carry me the few paces to my bedroom. I literally fell into bed & went out like a light, stopping just long enough to realise that I didn’t have any commitments today, so I could sleep as long as I needed.

Nobody told my cat!

A couple of hours after collapsing into the world of dreams, Chi ( my cat) decided that it was time to get up.  NO!   After a difference of opinion he accepted that he wasn’t able to win, so we both went back to sleep.  Only to be rudely awoken by a speeding cat, bouncing across my body in his haste to hide away from the person who was ringing the doorbell!   It’s extremely difficult to pretend that you are still asleep, with the trail of blood from cats claws crossing my body.  Too bleary eyed to read the clock, I expected it to be the postmen. I pulled on my dressing gown, bare feet, with hair that would have been a credit to a scarecrow, I dragged myself to the door.

“Good morning, can I come in & fit you new intercom.”   I mumbled yes but my mind was certainly not using that word!  Being a lady, I will not tell your what I wanted to say, but it wasn’t very polite!   By now my cat was sat under the chair, growling at the workmen, glaring at him for daring to disrupt the morning rituals.  As for me – I  wasn’t  sure if I was even in the land of the living,  but my need to use the bathroom told me that I was.  However I couldn’t use it because the man was working there ( I should point out that there are emergency pull cords throughout the flat, not that I need to answer the door via the bathroom😄)   A second workman came in, cat flew elsewhere, I shuffled uncomfortably , needing the bathroom, needing a cuppa, needing to dress, but above all, wanting to go back to sleep……….

Eventually of course, the job was done & normal day should have been resumed, but no, I dragged myself around, as if I was weighed down, legs like lead weights. My head was pounding, I couldn’t snap out of it at all.  Poor cat wanted to play, I wanted to make cat kebabs!   He was safe – I’m vegan.   I bent to pick up his food bowl & lost my balance, reached out to find support, which unfortunately came in the form of a glass dish,  which smashed into a million pieces.  Grrr!   Not what I needed today!    Once I had cleaned up the glass, fed the cat & my fish, I couldn’t face feeding me.  I decided that today was going to be a right off.  I trudged towards my bedroom & caught sight of myself!  What a pathetic sight!   I looked so sorry for myself, it was ridiculous!   I had a frown so deep that I hardly recognised myself.  I stared at my reflection,  Chi was staring at me.  Suddenly the absurdity of it all struck me.   I burst into laughter.  Chi came over to see if I was okay.   No I wasn’t, but I soon would be.

Now approaching lunchtime, I finally got myself washed & dressed, followed by a deep & meaningful conversation with my deity through prayer. After which I gave myself a long relaxing Reiki session.  I had intended to get some pain killers but of course found that I no longer needed them.  I turned on the radio & began to sing along.      Cat purred.  We played.   I forgot breakfast & went straight onto lunch.  Tiredness gone,  I did a lot of de cluttering, letting go of many possessions that I had been reluctant to give away.  Finally, exhausted but excillerated,   I collapsed onto my sofa in the late afternoon.  I began to think about my day.  It had been such a strange day yet turned from negative into positive, simply because of the absurdity of my reflection.

There is certainly a lesson there for me.  No matter how rubbish I feel, allowing myself to wallow is a disastrous move.  I know that if I take a step back,  take a  quiet time in prayer &/or meditation, All negativity dissolves.  Every problem  doesn’t disappear, but they stay in their right context.   I had stayed up far too late,  I had woken badly,     I  had smashed  a dish,   I had a very bad headache.   And?   And nothing!    Nothing dreadful happened,  the world didn’t fall apart, in fact I ended up having a very good day.      All because of those few peaceful moments.

It’s now midnight, I have some writing practice to do.  Goodnight to one & all.

Rosie x