Category: Food for thought

Food for thought, Uncategorized

Isn’t happiness enough?

rosieways

A couple of years ago, I was persuaded to join an online dating agency.  I was told by friends that I would get lonely & miserable if I stayed single. It was during the early part of my singledom, so I duly signed up. Within no time I had reservations, after all, I enjoyed my life, but never the less I arranged a couple of dates.

Tha first man turned out to be someone that I already vaguely knew. I was alright until he reached over for a kiss & cuddle, minutes after we had met. I recoiled, he persisted. We were in a cafe where I felt safe, so I politely explained that I would rather not get too ‘touchy- freely’ until I felt that the time was right. He agreed but continued. The date lasted about an hour.   I cancelled the next proposed blind date.

I had a long think & realised that I was being challenged about what I wanted out of life. There was no doubt in my mind, so happily I continued for about a year, getting more & more  settled into my single life, by then, with the addition of my furry companion, Chi ( cat)

That following year, a similar thing happened, I began to question whether I really should feel so happy whilst living alone. Again I decided to search for a suitable mate. On my profile I had been totally honest & explained that I wanted friendship which may or may not, in time blossom into a serious romance.  I met a pleasant man, we got along ok, he walked me home & was an absolute gentleman.  He was interesting. We arranged to meet again, but once back home I realised that all I was doing was accepting something that I didn’t really want, or need.  I cancelled our proposed date  & cancelled my membership to the dating agency.

I was extremely happy with my decision & thought no more about it.

However, recently I have been considering whether I was missing out by not having a partner.  Once again I logged into the site.  Almost immediately I found a couple of possible suitors & sent them messages,  once again I chose to ignore my gut feelings & decided to look for the perfect man.

Why?

One particular man seemed eager & asked me to call him, which I did. We seemed to really hit it off. We met up the following day.

The details aren’t important. He was obviously ‘a player’.   Within minutes he was declaring his love, just a short time before he began to map out our lives together. I instantly wanted to walk away. I knew that this wasn’t what I wanted.  However I knew that I also had to be sure that previous heartbreak wasn’t clouding my  judgement.  We spent the evening together, then the night – me very firmly ensconced in my bedroom alone, while he had to contend with the sofa. Give him top marks for effort!  He gave it 100%.  I think that he was either a seasoned pro, or that he had been studying the art of manipulating women. His persistence even continued in the morning.  He didn’t like being refused what he seemed to consider his right! He was out of luck!  I just wanted him to go away.  To be honest, I had enjoyed our debating & intellectualising about everything from religion to the speed of light!  ( spoiled only by the attempted groping & letching.)   I did feel a bit sorry for him, I have been married 3 times, been cheated on & lied to by experts, plus of course I have brought up 5 sons. Nothing much male orientated fazes me.

As as we parted, he accused me of being a lesbian – no surprise by that comment!  I didn’t even bother to justify my actions, or lack of them. I couldn’t be bothered!

I was due to meet a group of friends a short time later, & realised that I was smiling from ear to ear as I went into town, feeling so happy with my freedom.  The group was enhanced by a new lady, we hit it off immediately. We chatted for over 4 hours.  No innuendos, no sexual motivations, no cross questioning – just friendship……………

Since then I have been putting my priorities into order.

I love my life. I love my flat. I love my friends & my cat.  Why on earth would I want to throw it all away?

I don’t need to search for a new partner.  Maybe the Universal plan is for me to find new love whether it be male, female, black, white, human, animal or global. There are so many ways to have love in your life.  I love my family, I gave birth to 5 beautiful sons & have made some friendships that have lasted the test of time. I am so blessed by having a full & happy life, yet risked so much in search of the illusion of ‘perfect ‘ love.

I am already in love, with life!   I realise that now.

I hope that I won’t be tested like this again, but maybe I will need to strengthen my resolve if it begins to wane.      No one is above doubting themselves occasionally                                                                                            But I am certain that I will not compromise myself, just to ‘fit in’.   I won’t just ‘make do’.  I enjoy being me.  No arguments, no shouting, no resentment! I understand that many people feel that they need the security of marriage or partnership. That’s ok. But I’ve done that & it didn’t work for me.  I’m not anti man ,or anti sex, or anti marriage. What I have now, has taken me years to achieve.  I have inner peace.  I have no idea what will happen in the future, but I will accept whatever the Universe decides for me. I am happy with my decision. I choose to be happy.  I love being myself.

I wish you all the most wonderful fulfilling life, filled with love in it’s many forms.

Rosie x

never a day goes by without him making me laugh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Food for thought, Uncategorized

No questions without answers.

rosieways

Today I have felt dreadful.  There’s no point in me dressing it up – I have felt absolutely awful!

I had made plans for today.   Depending on how well I felt, I intended going out for a wander around my hometown or if I wasn’t strong enough, I’d stay at home & continue with my decluttering.   What I hadn’t reckoned on was to wake up with a banging headache.  Unusually for me, I had a very disturbing dream,  one of those that you can’t shake off!  Although not a nightmare it was quite unnerving.  I tried to return to sleep but my mind wasn’t going to play ball, it was insistent that I carry the images from the dream around with me all day. Try as I might, it wasn’t to be ignored!

After forcing myself to get up, feed the cat & follow the initial morning routine, I realised that today would be a wipe out unless I got some quality sleep.  Much to my cats’ disgust, I returned back to bed and slept and slept and slept.   I finally opened my eyes well after midday. It took just a matter of a few seconds to know that I actually felt worse, not better!  I am telling you this, simply to set the scene for my pondering.

As some of you will know, I’ve been unwell for quite a while now, which has hit me very hard, especially since I have been flying high for several months prior to this.  During that ‘well’ time,  although still in tremendous pain, I managed to have a very full & enjoyable life.  I knew that I had been pushing myself too hard ( fibromyalgia hates being pushed) so wasn’t at all surprised to have a relapse, but the severity has taken me by surprise.    Enough whinging!    Suffice it to say that a ‘well period’ feels very much overdue!

Thankfully throughout this difficult period, I have remained          ( on the whole) cheerful & have managed to keep depression at bay.   However recently I have been writing a lot,   including a book about a difficult period in my life. As you may understand, this has brought up a lot of previously buried emotions.   Add  to this my support for the ‘Time to Change ‘ campaign, which is trying to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health difficulties (please see my recent blog). and it’s not hard to see that I have had to fight the black dog ( depression) which has been snapping at my heels.  Yesterday was a particularly melancholy day,  not helped by it being the anniversary of my Mothers’ passing, a couple of years ago. All in all it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster!

Needless to say, I felt unable to go out today & as soon as I began to do any form of activity,  it soon became apparent that that was to be a no no also! The most physical thing that I have achieved was washing a few dishes & boiling some potatoes for my meal.

As someone who has had previous long term agoraphobia, I am very mindful about not allowing myself to go down that road again. Now, especially since I have felt so exhausted, I have been staying at home most days & have been concentrating on my writing.  If I’m honest, I’ve quite enjoyed being a hermit, but in my circumstances it is a risky strategy!    Since not being able to do much else today, I decided to sit & write, except that falling asleep again was all I managed.  After my 3rd or was it 4th nap?  I gave up the idea.     As many people know, when you create a void, something needs to fill its’ space, in my case it was a churning brain, firing questions at me.  I began to worry if I was getting mentally unstable again, but quickly dismissed that idea. But then I reasoned if it wasn’t that, was I being punished for something?  By now getting into dangerous territory, I gave myself a bit of a shake & looked  at what has actually happened.

Yes, I’ve been unable to go out much,  which has had a knock on effect of my spending being reduced. Positive outcome!

Yes, I’ve been forced to take a lengthy absence from my voluntary job.  I found this devastating, but it has helped me to see that when I return , not only will I be more physically able to work,  I will be able to re-evaluate  quite what tasks I should & shouldn’t take on. Resulting in a decision to make a slightly different work schedule. Positive outcome!

Yes, I have missed many groups & clubs.  Result being that I had realised how much I had been burning the candle at both ends.  I needed a rest.  I knew it.  I ignored it.  Now I can see that as a pensioner, with a variety of medical problems, I should prioritise & concentrate on what I need to do, rather than what I want to do!  Life won’t grind to a halt if I withdraw from one or two activities. Life will go on, as will the clubs without me.  Positive outcome!

Yes, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands.  Result being that I have used that time decluttering  my home, making it a much nicer, airier space.  Definite winner all round there!

Yes, I’ve had to let a lot of people down, something that I hate doing.   Resulting in being able to catch up with overdue paperwork & also old friendships via social media.  Positive outcome!

Yes, I have been unable to buy fresh food. ( someone does get me essentials).   Result being that I have been forced to use up food from my freezer & store cupboard ( or black hole, as it often seems!)  I have also invented many simple, tasty & nutritional vegan meals & snacks for myself. Some of which I will at some point share on my sister page http:// Rosieways,  howdidisite.com . My kitchen cupboard agrees it ‘s definitely been a positive outcome!

Being unable to do everything for myself , I’ve had to swallow my pride & ask for help.  Result being a lesson in humility that I badly needed.  Positive outcome!

Finally for now, Yes, I have been unable to keep up with housework, laundry etc.  Result, first of all – does it really matter?  Mainly though, enforced resting has given me plenty of time to write, write, write & write some more.  I have wanted to dedicate more time to creative writing, but never found much spare time. In the past few weeks I have actively written more than I would have thought possible. I have created a writing routine. I have sorted out my writing books into one place, easy to find & use.  Have found many interesting websites to aid my muse & have entered a couple of competitions.  Positive outcome!

Although I already knew about not being given questions ( & hardships / challenges ) without being given the answers  (or solutions)It took an enforced rest to help me actually take notice!

The end result to all of this episode will hopefully be a much more relaxed schedule with more ‘me’ time, more space for creativity & maybe even a healthier bank balance.

I certainly have a lot to be grateful for.     Namaste X

Love & Blessings to you all.

Rosie X

 

Food for thought

The lessons keep on coming…..

rosieways

I have been hit by a nasty flu-type bug, but an even nastier case of self pity!

I haven’t been overly well recently, partly due to my ongoing health conditions, partly self inflicted by overdoing things ( I have a tendency to burn the candle at both ends – & in the middle too!) The main problem though has been exhaustion caused by my extremely limited food regime. Due to food allergies & intolerances, I have been put on a very restricted diet, which when added to my veganism means that I am running with my battery critically low!   This, I presume is why I have been hit quite so badly by this bug.

Through feeling so rough I’ve had to miss or cancel many different  social engagements, which at this time of the year have been many.  The real final straw was having to withdraw from a chance to sing in the magnificent Wells Cathedral last night!    A group of us have been working really hard at bringing our limited abilities up to a standard befitting such a special engagement.  I have been really excited about it but yesterday I had to finally accept that I wasn’t well enough to take part.  I spent what was to be a night to remember, laying under a blanket, head throbbing, throat rasping, alternating between being freezing cold & burning up.

I woke this morning, very late & with a huge effort I dragged myself out of bed & began the usual morning rituals.  After feeding my Master ( my cat) & finding myself unable to eat or drink anything,   I headed into the bathroom.    I still felt awful.    Although I live alone, that didn’t prevent me from moaning outloud about how unwell I felt!   With my dressing gown wrapped tightly around me, I shuffled into the bathroom, head low, coughing all the way!!!

Then It happened!

I glanced up & caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror!  It didn’t actually look like me.  There was this old woman with a dour expression, frowning so deeply that it was almost farcical!   I was so shocked that I stopped dead in my tracks & just stared!   Then reality hit me.   What the hell was I so self absorbed about?

I began lecturing my reflection out loud…………..

Yes, you have flu, you feel rough.  You will feel better in a few days. What about those who are seriously ill?  I doubt they are making such a fuss!    Yes you feel really cold.   You can put on warm clothes.   You could turn the heating up.   You can make a warming drink.   What about those who can’t ?    How about the homeless who are sleeping in shop doorways or under bridges with just a cardboard box or old blanket, if they are lucky enough, to shield them from the biting wind & protect them from the rain?    How about those who have to choose between food & warmth?   People die from hypothermia, young & old, yet here I am moaning about how cold I am!         The realisation made me feel such a fraud!        

I made a vow there & then to count my blessings, not my aches & pains. Yes I would be better in a few days.

l felt humbled!

I intend to try & do more for those in need,  but possibly even more importantly I have made a pledge to be more grateful for my blessings.    I will try not to take things so much for granted.

I am reasonably healthy,  I am happy,  I have all that I need.

I will use my enforced home time to think about how I will use my future, be it days, weeks, months, years or decades.   I will let go of my unrealistic plans & dreams.  I will do something positive.   I’m not quite sure how I will do this but one thing is for sure – I will do it willingly, gladly, with a smile not a frown.

I will be clear of this bug in a few days!

I will be better. Full stop.

love to you all

Rosie🕉 X

 

Food for thought, Uncategorized

New Challenges

rosieways

Once again I’ve had to accept lessons from the Universe.

Today I began to clear out my office.

What had begun as an exciting challenge soon began to tell on my health. I always knew that it was going to be a risk, but one that I felt compelled to try.   Although I am disappointed that I haven’t been physically strong enough to make a go of my new venture, it hasn’t been a wasted experience. Through it I have come to realise that there are many, many things more important than money or status.

I have realised that I get far more pleasure from helping in a charitable format.  The pressures involved in needing to cover my rent & other expenses had begun to play on my mind.  I had begun to doubt myself.

I have worked long & hard to build up the self esteem needed to happily survive as a lone pensioner. I was being unrealistic to think that I could just shrug these pressures off.  Lessons in the form of a several week downturn in my health hit me square in the face!  I was made to understand, in no uncertain terms that although my mind may be strong, my body is not!

Once again I accept the need for the lesson in humility!

I am exceptionally fortunate that being a pensioner, I do not have to work to survive. There is a tremendous freedom about not needing a lot .  I still buy far more than I should, have a close to zero bank balance, but so what?  When push comes to shove, what do I get most satisfaction from?  I don’t smoke, gamble or drink from personal choice. I don’t buy expensive perfumes or fancy clothes, not because I’m deprived of choice – the exact opposite!  I could spend my income on these ‘luxuries’ but why on earth would I want to?

I love the simplicity of my life these days.  I have a busy social life ( too busy!) lots of friends, a lovely home, beautiful companion in my cat Chi.  Vegan lifestyle.  No car.  Few holidays, haven’t been abroad for many years!  But I have a lifestyle that I wouldn’t swap with anyone, or for anything!

I don’t intend to sound smug.  I am aware that many people can’t understand how I can be so happy, at times I find it hard to understand myself!    But then something will happen to put things in perspective again.

Tonight has been such a revelation.

Since deciding, albeit reluctantly to abandon the pressure to make a better income for myself, I have dedicated my time to a charity that is close to my heart.  It is a small mental health charity in Wells , called Heads Up.  There I found the strength & support that I needed to firmly establish myself as part of the human race after years of mental health problems.  I now volunteer there when I am able.   I have also decided to write to help others who find themselves alone, as I was, to overcome whatever may be holding them back from living a fulfilling life.  I can only do this from personal experience, so am now grateful for the hell that I’ve been through. I have also realised that I have a lot of simple skills that I can share.  I don’t need an office or headed notepaper.   All I need is trust in myself & the path that I am being led along.  I have that in abundance!

Strange skills are making themselves visible to me, choices that I never would have considered.  I am writing blogs,  poetry,  I am offering help in many different ways.  In each new challenge I find payment in kind.

Tomorrow, or rather later on today I am holding a free relaxation group for clients, carers & staff at Heads Up.  Two things spring to mind here – firstly,  me leading the session?  Voluntarily?  Me who not too many years ago couldn’t even speak to a stranger. Me who was agoraphobic for nearly 17 years.  Me who was such a wreck that I couldn’t cope with life!     Secondly I am in the laughable situation that I am always chattering, laughing, active, always talking too much, yet I find that I can lead a group of people, with a quiet sense of serenity that I never would have thought possible.  I wrote the session myself, have written a guided relaxation exercise without really even trying & have many more waiting to be penned.   I have found something in me that I didn’t know, a strength through gentleness, a voice through quietness, a new direction that I hadn’t ever imagined.

Another aspect to this class is – what if no one turns up?  The absolute truth is that it doesn’t matter.  I don’t feel like I need to prove anything anymore.   I am giving the session,  I have the room booked, I have the music, the oils, the mats & the words ready.  If I am the only person in that session, it will be because that is what I need.  I will run the session even if it is just for myself.  I will gain a lot from it, whether I have a room full of people, or just me.  I will gain peace & serenity in there, which I can utilise to send out to those in need.

WOW!   How blessed & fortunate am I?

Love & blessings

Rosie 🕉

                             *****************************************************************************

Here is a link to my new blog site which I hope to fill with words, prose, poetry & inspirations both from my darkest days & my brightest.  I would be delighted if you would give it a read & maybe follow it. Thanks.   The site is rosie-anne bright.wordpress.com 

Food for thought

Challenging your own views

rosieways

Respecting other points of view

I have a tendency to be very headstrong, especially if it involves something that I feel passionate about. I’ve always convinced myself that I know instinctively what is right or wrong for me. As I have grown in maturity ( questionable!) I have had to rethink a lot of my hard held beliefs, Particularly about my attitude towards anyone who tries to alter my choices without justification.  This has been very strongly engrained into my psyche, even as a small child I have had to fight for my often unorthodox attitudes to be given any serious considerations.

I was always dressed in beautiful clothes as a young girl & wasn’t allowed to question it, even though I wanted to be like my friends- I hated being different!                                                       As the years passed, my personal choices became very important to me & it has to be said that I have been known to deliberately dress inappropriately just to prove my point!             I have also been know to stick my heels in over issues that were really non important, just because someone tried to force me to do something against my will.  Of course this is a very silly attitude to take albeit one that many people subscribe to.

Occasionaly however it is worth rocking the boat if you really believe it necessary.   One example of this was at school when I was about 13.  I have always enjoyed all thing creative, partly because it allows self expression.  My art teacher was always telling us how things ‘should’ look & had a nasty tendency to alter our pictures against our will.  The final straw came when she actually took my paintbrush from me, against my wishes & totally transformed my work of art from something that I was happy with, into her vision of what it should have looked like. To add insult to that humiliation she then told me to pin it on the wall,  ready to show parents that evening.   I was a very reserved, nervous child who did as she was told at school & rarely got into any trouble,   but this time I saw red!!!                           I  REFUSED!      Point blank   NO!                                                             It was no longer my picture, I wouldn’t put my name to it!     Even under threat of punishment I stood my ground.                     I got sent outside to reconsider my stance, but it actually strengthened it.     Defiance gave me a feeling that I hadn’t known & I have to admit that it felt good.                                      Yes I got into trouble, both with my teachers & parents but it was a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

Unfortunately standing up for yourself can often backfire if not kept under control.    We all need to chose our battles.    Being the winner loses it’s glory if you choose to go to fight over every issue that you disagree with.     Equally unsuccessful is the attitude of always  giving in just to keep the peace – this causes unexpressed frustration & anger.                                               Balance as always is the key !

Following a very turbulent marriage, during which I found myself losing control of my own thoughts & actions, I had to work very hard to rebuild my confidence.   I struggled for quite a while because I couldn’t get the balance right – I couldn’t find the right way of stand up for myself without being confrontational.    With time & practice  (and lots of failures)  I  have more or less learnt how to express myself,   but it hasn’t been easy!    I have grown very strong & now am no longer afraid to oppose something that I feel is unjust.   This however can backfire,   sometimes we can be so wrapped up in the injustice of something that we don’t stop to question whether we may have got it wrong.

Writing is a newly revived passion of mine & whenever I have created something that I feel pleased with,  I protect it,  mindful of the art teachers’ clumsy attempts at improving my artistic talents.  I treat my new creations as if they are really something precious!   Some might say that this is as it should be,  but is it really?

I attend a writing class which I thoroughly enjoy,  however I am not too keen on criticism or suggestions on how to improve my work.   I tolerate them,    after all I know that they are being said as part of the course- no one is above learning & to do that we have to accept that improvements could be made.     This happened to me again today & although I accepted the feedback,   I quietly told myself that it wouldn’t make a jot of difference – after all,   it was MY WORK   not theirs!   I noted the suggested alterations  but didn’t really believe it was necessary.   However I found myself rewriting my story,  following the alternative ideas,    Mainly to prove to myself that my idea was better.   But was it?    Now I am not sure.     That’s the point – I’m no longer certain.  Both methods have brought pleasing results,  but both very different.  This has made me stop & have a total rethink,    not just  about the writing,   that will find it’s form,   but about  re evaluating  our beliefs & views.

We all know people who are totally sure that their way is the only way.     We are usually in agreement that these people are very deluded,    no one can always be right.   But how many of us are happy to relook at ourselves & our stance over issues that we feel passionate about?

As we grow, we change,   our outlook changes,   our actions change,   but do our views change?     I know that I for one have radically changed my thoughts on things that I once would have fought tooth & nail for.    We all need to follow,  like  or  do things that work for us.   We are not sheep.   All of us have free will to think for ourselves,  yet so many still follow  their parents’ political views without questioning why.  Too many women ( especially older ) agree with their partners views on everything,   as if they aren’t entitled to think for themselves.

I’m not advocating anarchy.   I’m a peace lover.    What I am suggesting is that we all look at why we follow certain things.   If after reassessing  our reasoning  we come back to the original belief, all well & good,   at least those thoughts will   be current & viable  for us personally.    In so many cases there is no right or wrong way, just different.    As long as we are true to ourselves, then our opinions really are relevant.

I learnt a lot today at the writing class.    (Once the dreaded pride was pushed out of the way.)    I’m a learner, no more, no less.    I’m inexperienced, that’s why I am at the class.  I need to be taught.     I don’t need to hang onto things out of principal.    I can reassess,  rethink  & change what I’m doing  or stay as I am.   My choice.   As long as it is my decision & done for the correct reason,   then it really is ok.     I can go with the flow, or swim against the tide,    but I really should understand  why I am doing it!

whether you agree with what I’ve said, or totally disagree, as long as it is your own free thought, then I am happy, this blog has done it’s job.

written with sincerity & love

Rosie X