The price of suspicion.

I am saddened by the suspicion that is aimed at anyone who chooses to help others. I know that this can be a hard, difficult world, but there is a flip side. There are a lot of kind, considerate and caring people spread throughout the planet, so why aren’t they accepted & appreciated without having to justify their motives?

I was brought up to trust & give people a chance. Yes of course I have been used & abused but that doesn’t alter my belief that on the whole, people are basically good. There have been times that I’ve teetered on the edge of doubt, but I still prefer to trust humankind.

After many years of self survival through abusive relationships, I celebrated my freedom after divorce by dedicating my life to helping others. This has taken many forms from volunteering, assisting, donating, encouraging & showing general kindness to everyone that I meet.
Let me say – I’m no saint, I make a lot of mistakes and am not always as good as I’d like to be but I do keep trying. Too many people say the words but don’t put them into action. I attempt to live my life in a way that I feel brings harmony, it also brings me a great deal of pleasure!

There have always been doubters, those who can’t understand why I do something for nothing, I guess there always wil be, but it’s very sad.

This was brought home clearly today. I live in a retirement building & despite my best attempts, I have been unsuccessful in gaining the trust of many of my neighbours. I am not a typical pensioner, I am a child of the 60s who never really outgrew the hippy idealism. I believe in self expression, wear whatever I like & live a lifestyle that suits me, including being a non-smoking,teetotal,vegetarian. I don’t enjoy being glued to a television set, hooked on the exploits of various soap characters, or gossiping about anyone who comes into their orbit. I live a very busy, full life, so when home, tend to be hermit-like, listening to music while writing or reading. This is treated with absolute suspicion. I can accept that. I choose to be an individual, not a sheep. I enjoy my life.

Today I was reminded about the sadness that suspicion causes. I arrived home during the weekly tea gathering. Aware that I hadn’t socialised with my neighbours for a while, I joined them. I entered the room to mutterings of “oh look who it is, wonder what she wants?” I smiled & took a seat. After general chit chat, someone commented on having seen a poster about a book reading that I am doing soon & asked what it was all about? I explained that I had written a childs’ story book which I am due to publish via Kindle. I then told them about another book that is also due for publication, a collaboration between my writing group, that is being sold to raise money for charity. This was met with cross questioning – which charity? Who would be handling the money? How could I prove what we’d collected? Once I’d answered to general satisfaction, someone pipped up ” what charity are you selling your childrens’ book for?” Then I said something that was apparently absolutely abhorrent! – I answered that it was being sold for my own benefit. It took hours of hard work to create, why shouldn’t I benefit from sales? HORROR! How could I do such a thing?
I left the lounge, having difficulty accepting that attitude!

Over the past 4 years I have tried setting up various groups with little success. A previous exercise class being terminated when someone stole the television set that I used. Choosing not to involve the police, I appealed for it’s return, but it was ignored. Other events have met with indifference so eventually I decided to stop trying within this building, using my energies where they are appreciated. Needless to say, this hasn’t gone down well.

This has made me question the motives of the doubters. What do they get out of it? Can’t they understand that through their mistrust & suspicion, they have lost a willing, caring participant in their community? Now of course I’m vilified for putting my energies elsewhere.

None of this has changed my attitude, I still am dedicated to helping others, nothing will change that!

Isn’t it time that poeople began to trust their fellow man? Not everyone is out for what they can get. The bitter, suspicious neighbours have lost what I could offer, simply because it is easier to doubt, to look for the hidden agenda, unable to accept there was none. How many opportunities are lost worldwide through mistrust?

That is so sad. It’s personal choice of course but I prefer my way. With more love and less spitefullness, imagine the difference we could make to the world?

Rosie x

Thankyou for taking time to read this.
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It would be good to have you on board xxx

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The power of self belief

As someone who lacked self confidence until fairly recently, I was plagued by doubt over whether I was worthy of true friendships. My faith being pushed to breaking point when my (ex)husband and best friend had an affair. This tore away any little shred of confidence that I had. Following that came my well documented breakdown and lengthy period of agoraphobia.

As can probably be understood, it took me years to trust anybody again.
When I found strength to re-launch myself into the world as a newly single woman, one of my biggest difficulties was how to make friends & of course, how to trust them.

I made aquintences fairly easily but couldn’t take the next step. I decided to resort to Using a positivity aid. I basically used a statue of a circle of women & kept a candle burning in it, asking the Universe to send friends into my life.
It worked extremely well but of course, drawing people into my life was only part of the battle. I needed them to want to remain. I thought long and hard about it, wondering what I needed to do. I read endless books and meditated yet the only answer I seemed to get was self belief. How could I believe in myself, when really I didn’t?

For a long time I struggled,never really understanding why people were hanging around, convinced that they would soon move on. I was really worried about how I’d cope without them.

Then a lightbulb flashed on!

I had been trying so hard to be what I thought people wanted, that I forgot about the possibility that they may ( just possibly) like me as I was.

This seemed too radical to accept at first. I had always tried to be what other people wanted. But my meditations kept telling me to trust myself and to simplify. Eventually I could fight it no longer. I took the huge leap of faith and decided to be myself, warts and all.

I stopped apologising for my inadequacies and tried just being me, pure and simple.
That act of belief and humility changed my life!

I treat people with respect and no longer try to second guess them. Who was I to think that I knew what they wanted?
I learnt to show gratitude for their friendship and realised that it was a two way street.
People now tell me that they feel comfortable with me and that they trust me. That’s all I needed to do- just be myself.
Friends can’t be conjured up, or coerced or forced, they stay because they like you as a person, irrespective of flaws. Once I learnt to respect their choices and respect myself, it all began to fall into place.

I am so fortunate to have some wonderful friends and I thank the Universe daily for sending me the wisdom of learning to trust in myself and to be true to who I really am.

Our uniqueness is one very special gift, one we should treasure.

Until next time, take care,

Rosie x

                                                Thank you to a stranger

A few months ago, at the end of a blog that I was reading, the author gave some advice that has changed me.

The post involved the setting up of a writing group. The advice given was not to procrastinate about setting up your own group. It hit me square in the eyes!  I’d been thinking/ talking about organising a creative writing group but doubted my ability.  My confidence had been slightly shaken by the failure of a friendship group last year & I was afraid that another group would go the same way. After reading the blog I realised that I had to try. Even if it had failed, at least I would have tried. The only real failure is in not trying.

In my past I would have allowed my fear to prevent me from doing anything risky or difficult. However this isn’t my past, this is NOW.  I’m not that person anymore.  How could I extol the virtues of living in the moment yet only apply it to certain circumstances?  What’s the worst that could happen?  I might be the only member – would that destroy my life? Of course not!  It felt like that blogger had spoken directly to me. I immediately contacted her & told her that She had inspired me & that I intended to put plans into action immediately. I kept my word.

I made up a few posters asking for interested people, but still had no venue. At my local library I enquired if they would put a poster up for me, the reply was a proposal to allow me the use of the library to hold the meetings – no strings, no fees, just a good, bright area for our use.   I jumped at the chance, but still the little niggle of failure was eating away, willing it to go wrong. I have wanted to do something like this for a long, long time. I now had the bit between my teeth & wasn’t going to let go.

I persevered.

I ignored my doubts & threw myself into the preparations. I told everybody about the new group, even though, at that time I was unsure how it would operate. I certainly didn’t need to worry.  The first couple of weeks were nerve wracking but fun, with a handful of attendees. Then a week where no one came. I sat there by myself but rather than worry, I used the time constructively. That week taught me a lesson in humility. No matter how much I wanted to do it, I’m only as good as the effort that I put in. Maybe I was patting myself on the back without showing gratitude to the Universe, after all without gratitude & humility, I’d be no more than a hollow ego.    

The following week I had a few more members & since then barely a week has passed without newcomers. The newspaper advertises it regularly without cost so I am able to reach a wider area. Everything is ticking along nicely now & the group is nearing capacity. Maybe this will mean having to have a rethink on venue or offering it without any charge but I will cross that bridge if it comes to it.   I have learnt that although I orchestrated the group, it’s not MY group, I’ve simply been given the honour of gathering several lovely people with a common interest together. Should anything cause me to pull out, I’m convinced that it would still continue. It’s a lovely feeling.

As in so many things in life, I am learning through leading others. Each week I work out a variety of exercises for us to try, some I enjoy greatly, a few not so much but it doesn’t matter, it’s all practice. I have had to put structure into my weekly routine to allow for the group, this has also been helpful. Listening to some of the wonderful prose that is penned by relative newcomers is fantastic. I believe that we are all learning from one another. Long may it continue.

I hope that I am able to help this group grow & flourish, I also hope that I will know if the time comes to step aside. All of this has added another dimension to my life & it is all thanks to an unknown blogger.

I hope that this will encourage others to take a leap of faith & make their dreams come true. We are the only ones who put limitations onto our ideas. We tell ourselves that we aren’t capable or not good enough. What if we turn it around & start to believe in ourselves?  Things done with genuine intent have a very good chance of becoming reality.  I urge you to try.

Rosie X

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An unexpected Inspiration

imageThis morning I felt compelled to walk into town, despite having planned to do more to my book, ready for publishing. The urge was so strong that I didn’t even bother with my hot breakfast drink, made do with water. I felt really driven,  had no idea why.

Writing from home can be difficult with my playful cat, so I decided to go to the library  And get some work done in peace. On my way, I popped into the Oxfam bookshop with  more books to donate ( another batch  of decluttering !) Needless to say, I had a quick scan at the available literary books. Nothing leapt out at me, I turned to leave but a book in the spiritual section caught my eye. It was small & a little bit battered, I was intrigued!  It was ‘Opening the Doors Within’ by Eileen Caddy, founder of Findhorn.

Although I know about the work that Findhorn does & have great admiration for them, it’s not been right for me. I am extremely comfortable with my chosen path, albeit an ever evolving one, yet I just ‘had to’ buy that little book. Heading to the nearby coffee shop, I ordered my tea & settled down to read my purchase – WOW!

I could barely put it down, so inspirational! More than that though, it confirmed that I am on the right path and doing what is right for me & that things are turning out as they should.

Every one of Eileens’ words resonated with me. We could be working from the same script, with the exception that she refers to God, whereas I use Goddess. I also tend to use the term ‘the Universe’ or ‘Universal Energy’, as it seems to be more readily understood by those of differing faiths.  I’m in no way ‘precious’ about my religious  beliefs, it really doesn’t matter what it is labelled. What is more inportant is the issue of inner peace, humility & love, which is shared by most ( if not all) of the Worlds’ genuine faiths.

I now feel even more convinced that my writing & sharing of my love for life is the right path for me. I am frequently ridiculed or labelled  as a do-gooder, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s no insult because it means nothing!  I do what I do because it is right for me & I find that sharing my inner peace & Joy is a route to fulfilment!

This morning I listened to my intuition, I trusted myself. I was led to this wonderful little book. It will, without doubt enable me to do my work more effectively & with a better understanding of true humility.

It’s a really wonderful, empowering feeling.

Blessings & love to you all,

until next time, stay safe, be happy.

Rosie x