My physical health has taken a bit of a downward turn recently. Although there have been several contributory factors, the result has been that I have been ignoring my bodily pleas for rest.
Two days ago, following another mind numbing exhaustion, I struggled to wake up which is not usually a problem for me. I eventually dragged myself out of bed leaving myself less than an hour to be at a class. The obvious solution would have been to miss it & accept that I needed rest – but that’s not my way. In true headless chicken fashion, I skipped breakfast, fed the cat at high speed, showered, grabbed my things & dashed out of the door, I didn’t even make time for a hot drink.
It was a disaster waiting to happen. I didn’t need to wait long.
I decided to use my small mobility scooter because my feet are particularly painful & I had a very busy day ahead. I’m not a panicky person but was due to meet someone & I was worried about letting them down. With the little scooter heavily laden, I raced to the hall, conscious that I kept checking my watch. This begs one question – why do most people do that? I knew that I was late, I couldn’t go quicker even if I tried, so what difference did checking my watch make? 🙄
Once opposite the hall I began to get irritated by the stream of traffic that prevented me from crossing the road, all ideas of mindfulness had long since vaporised. Eventually a gap appeared & I trundled across to the disabled access of the building. I was so busy worrying about my late arrival, that I didn’t negotiate the slope correctly & took a spectacular tumble, scooter & all. Although not badly hurt, my pride certainly was, especially when a very kind couple helped me back to my feet & recovered the overturned scooter. I was mortified! Not because they’d helped, but because I’d allowed myself to get into such a situation. With a blustering thanks to the couple, I continued to my class. By now with throbbing leg, excruciatingly painful foot & sore derrière I made my way to the Tai Chi class. Upon explanation, I was offered a seat / glass of water, but I insisted on carrying on as normal. It took a few minutes to get myself in the ‘zone’ but once calm I began to put it all behind me.
I learnt something very important that morning – I needed a lesson in humility.
I hate being pitied/ physically helped but I needed it. ( accepting human frailty) I also had an overwhelming ‘inner’ lecture about the need to be more mindful & not allow myself to be in such a rush. It never helps. Although The peace created in the Tai Chi was wonderful as always, the rest of the day continued to throw obstacles in my way. By my return home I was feeling unwell, dizzy & very fraught. Following a couple of hours much needed sleep, I reflected on my day. What had the early morning rush achieved? I hadn’t even allowed myself time to wake fully. Was being delayed such a problem? I’m sure that being late but calm would have been preferable to the whirlwind that I was creating. I hadn’t eaten breakfast, nor lunch & had drunk so little liquid, no wonder I felt unwell. This wasn’t helped by stuffing cakes & bicuits because I was too worn out to make a meal. So nothing all day, then an overload of sugar & wheat ( both of which I have an intolerance to.)
Feeling a little sorry for myself, I later posted on Facebook, making light of my mishaps. I received a lot of support however one really resonated with me – one friend, like the others, insisting that I take things easier but she also said that over working was a form of self sabotage. I’d never considered it that way before. I do take on far too much. I enjoy what I do & certainly don’t want to stop any of my commitments, but maybe she’s right? Is it my bodies way of forcing me to have a rethink? I thought long & hard about it last night.
Today should have been another busy day, but the Universe had other ideas. The morning had again started badly through over sleeping. Thankfully an early home visitor was delayed & didn’t leave until lunch time. Being sensible I made myself a salad & decided to pay a couple of due bills on line. That Universe is sneaky – it took me almost the complete afternoon to get them paid! I had one complication after another! Before I knew it, the afternoon was gone. I had unintentionally sat for most of the day. Almost unheard of! That really is the reason for this blog.
So many people have advised me to take things easier. What if I did? I don’t enjoy housework & won’t watch day time TV, what constitutes doing less? If I stayed at home more, cancelled my groups, clubs & interests, I would be writing all day. This sounds terrific but in honesty, if it was enforced, surely it would then lose it’s appeal? I enjoy helping people, I love interacting with others. I couldn’t do that shut away at home. There has to be a middle ground, some way of still meeting & helping people without causing myself such problems? It seems that everything is made worse by inability to wake up, could the main problem be simply lack of sleep? I don’t get a lot of shut eye. I’m on the computer until the early hours, then have only a few hours before The alarm tells me it’s time to start again. So that’s where I’m going to start. I shall get to bed earlier & see what happens if my body gets a few more regular hours of nightly rest.
I shall post this, then go to bed. I may or may not go into work tomorrow. I’m going to try to listen to my body more carefully. Like all habits, late nights will be difficult to break, but I’m determined.
I’ve come too far on this wondrous journey to allow myself to sabotage it all. I will take a small backward step & who knows? It could turn out to be a huge leap forward!😉
Take care everyone, thanks for reading this,
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