Once again I’ve had to accept lessons from the Universe.
Today I began to clear out my office.
What had begun as an exciting challenge soon began to tell on my health. I always knew that it was going to be a risk, but one that I felt compelled to try. Although I am disappointed that I haven’t been physically strong enough to make a go of my new venture, it hasn’t been a wasted experience. Through it I have come to realise that there are many, many things more important than money or status.
I have realised that I get far more pleasure from helping in a charitable format. The pressures involved in needing to cover my rent & other expenses had begun to play on my mind. I had begun to doubt myself.
I have worked long & hard to build up the self esteem needed to happily survive as a lone pensioner. I was being unrealistic to think that I could just shrug these pressures off. Lessons in the form of a several week downturn in my health hit me square in the face! I was made to understand, in no uncertain terms that although my mind may be strong, my body is not!
Once again I accept the need for the lesson in humility!
I am exceptionally fortunate that being a pensioner, I do not have to work to survive. There is a tremendous freedom about not needing a lot . I still buy far more than I should, have a close to zero bank balance, but so what? When push comes to shove, what do I get most satisfaction from? I don’t smoke, gamble or drink from personal choice. I don’t buy expensive perfumes or fancy clothes, not because I’m deprived of choice – the exact opposite! I could spend my income on these ‘luxuries’ but why on earth would I want to?
I love the simplicity of my life these days. I have a busy social life ( too busy!) lots of friends, a lovely home, beautiful companion in my cat Chi. Vegan lifestyle. No car. Few holidays, haven’t been abroad for many years! But I have a lifestyle that I wouldn’t swap with anyone, or for anything!
I don’t intend to sound smug. I am aware that many people can’t understand how I can be so happy, at times I find it hard to understand myself! But then something will happen to put things in perspective again.
Tonight has been such a revelation.
Since deciding, albeit reluctantly to abandon the pressure to make a better income for myself, I have dedicated my time to a charity that is close to my heart. It is a small mental health charity in Wells , called Heads Up. There I found the strength & support that I needed to firmly establish myself as part of the human race after years of mental health problems. I now volunteer there when I am able. I have also decided to write to help others who find themselves alone, as I was, to overcome whatever may be holding them back from living a fulfilling life. I can only do this from personal experience, so am now grateful for the hell that I’ve been through. I have also realised that I have a lot of simple skills that I can share. I don’t need an office or headed notepaper. All I need is trust in myself & the path that I am being led along. I have that in abundance!
Strange skills are making themselves visible to me, choices that I never would have considered. I am writing blogs, poetry, I am offering help in many different ways. In each new challenge I find payment in kind.
Tomorrow, or rather later on today I am holding a free relaxation group for clients, carers & staff at Heads Up. Two things spring to mind here – firstly, me leading the session? Voluntarily? Me who not too many years ago couldn’t even speak to a stranger. Me who was agoraphobic for nearly 17 years. Me who was such a wreck that I couldn’t cope with life! Secondly I am in the laughable situation that I am always chattering, laughing, active, always talking too much, yet I find that I can lead a group of people, with a quiet sense of serenity that I never would have thought possible. I wrote the session myself, have written a guided relaxation exercise without really even trying & have many more waiting to be penned. I have found something in me that I didn’t know, a strength through gentleness, a voice through quietness, a new direction that I hadn’t ever imagined.
Another aspect to this class is – what if no one turns up? The absolute truth is that it doesn’t matter. I don’t feel like I need to prove anything anymore. I am giving the session, I have the room booked, I have the music, the oils, the mats & the words ready. If I am the only person in that session, it will be because that is what I need. I will run the session even if it is just for myself. I will gain a lot from it, whether I have a room full of people, or just me. I will gain peace & serenity in there, which I can utilise to send out to those in need.
WOW! How blessed & fortunate am I?
Love & blessings
Here is a link to my new blog site which I hope to fill with words, prose, poetry & inspirations both from my darkest days & my brightest. I would be delighted if you would give it a read & maybe follow it. Thanks. The site is rosie-anne bright.wordpress.com